LOW SELF ESTEEM

I needed to put this post up next.

I cannot tell you how much I continue to struggle with my low, low, low self esteem. Some days I feel I am doing okay, and all it takes is a look from someone or me comparing my life, my talents to someone else then I am truly crushed! So crushed, that I just do not want to go on anymore!!!! Even a fleeting thought of ending it all. Yesterday was a really crushing day for me. Very debilitating. Takes so much out of me! Naturally, when I am alone, I do not have this problem as much. Oh it is there, but nothing draws it out......except PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE!!! Ugh!

So here I am comparing “my” life and achievements to someone else and second by second I am dying inside as they share what wonderful things are going on in their life. It took all I could to keep an encouraging smile on my face for them. Once they walked away and I walked away, to my secrete hiding place at work, I broke down. Cried!!! Also cried out to my God in anquish! The pain of failure and shame (even though I know I am not to believe I am a failure) is so very prevelant!

My low self esteem is, if not, the "MOST major stronghold” of mine that is really challenging out of all the others I have. If I could get some kind of grip on this stronghold, it will be a tremendous help and make my journey sooooooooooo much easier to walk. Right now, it is a continual major painful battle!!!!

I know I should not, but I continued to get so very angry and frustrated with myself!!! As I want to be set free so badly from this stronghold!!!! At the same time, knowing I need to go through the pain and experience, but thank God I do have Him to help me, otherwise, there would be NO Way for me to go on!!

So, with this long introduction, I will let the book take the rest.....


“Self esteem is a central issue for many survivors. When children are abused, they are harmed at a core level. And one of the areas hardest hit is their developing sense of self respect and self worth. This lack of self-esteem often continues into adulthood. You may experience it as a constant feeling of worthlessness, a nagging voice that tells you that you didn’t do enough, that you didn’t do it right, or that if you die, it was a fluke-that next time, you’ll screw up. At the most basic level , you may believe that you don’t deserve anything good in your life.

Your feelings about yourself may fluctuate wildly. You may feel okay about yourself most the time, self critical feelings lying dormant until you have some kind of setback–a loss, a period of change, an argument with someone you love. Then you suddenly lose touch with the good things about yourself and fall into a pit of self-loathing and despair. The self-love you’ve nurtured so carefully evaporates like mist.

Feelings of self-hatred can erupt seemingly out of the blue. A small interaction can trigger an avalanche of self-doubt and uncertainty. You get one problem wrong on an exam and you say to yourself, “I’m a stupid idiot.” You make a well thought out decision to leave a job where you’re underpaid and treated badly, and instead of feeling proud, you’re sure no one will ever hire you again. Even though you are taking care of yourself, you somehow end up feeling wrong and defective-again

Self esteem is experienced in the moment, and your feelings about yourself will fluctuate as you move through the healing process. When you’re first facing your grief and anger or struggling with the impact of abuse on your life, you may feel worse than you felt before. Often shame, powerlessness, and self hatred are bottled up with memories of abuse, and as the memories come through, these feelings do, too.

Yet healing isn’t only about pain. It’s about learning to love yourself. As you move from feeling like a victim to being a proud survivor, you will have glimmers of hope, self respect, and satisfaction. Those are natural by products of healing.” (The Courage to Heal)

Yepper........I can relate to picking out the “one” problem I got wrong on the test and not looking at the 99 others I got right! Bam, bam, bam, I am so prone to cutting myself to pieces over that one negative outcome! Need to focus on the positive that I got the other 99 correct!!

The last paragraph says it all...... the “love” word. This is one of the hardest challenges for me. But, I know it is essential for my healing. So, I encourage anyone else who is struggling on their journey with low self-esteem (not necessarily due to having been abused sexually) to come along side with me as we grow together in loving not only our inner child but our adult selves also.