"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


I needed to put this post up next.

I cannot tell you how much I continue to struggle with my low, low, low self esteem. Some days I feel I am doing okay, and all it takes is a look from someone or me comparing my life, my talents to someone else then I am truly crushed! So crushed, that I just do not want to go on anymore!!!! Even a fleeting thought of ending it all. Yesterday was a really crushing day for me. Very debilitating. Takes so much out of me! Naturally, when I am alone, I do not have this problem as much. Oh it is there, but nothing draws it out......except PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE!!! Ugh!

So here I am comparing “my” life and achievements to someone else and second by second I am dying inside as they share what wonderful things are going on in their life. It took all I could to keep an encouraging smile on my face for them. Once they walked away and I walked away, to my secrete hiding place at work, I broke down. Cried!!! Also cried out to my God in anquish! The pain of failure and shame (even though I know I am not to believe I am a failure) is so very prevelant!

My low self esteem is, if not, the "MOST major stronghold” of mine that is really challenging out of all the others I have. If I could get some kind of grip on this stronghold, it will be a tremendous help and make my journey sooooooooooo much easier to walk. Right now, it is a continual major painful battle!!!!

I know I should not, but I continued to get so very angry and frustrated with myself!!! As I want to be set free so badly from this stronghold!!!! At the same time, knowing I need to go through the pain and experience, but thank God I do have Him to help me, otherwise, there would be NO Way for me to go on!!

So, with this long introduction, I will let the book take the rest.....

“Self esteem is a central issue for many survivors. When children are abused, they are harmed at a core level. And one of the areas hardest hit is their developing sense of self respect and self worth. This lack of self-esteem often continues into adulthood. You may experience it as a constant feeling of worthlessness, a nagging voice that tells you that you didn’t do enough, that you didn’t do it right, or that if you die, it was a fluke-that next time, you’ll screw up. At the most basic level , you may believe that you don’t deserve anything good in your life.

Your feelings about yourself may fluctuate wildly. You may feel okay about yourself most the time, self critical feelings lying dormant until you have some kind of setback–a loss, a period of change, an argument with someone you love. Then you suddenly lose touch with the good things about yourself and fall into a pit of self-loathing and despair. The self-love you’ve nurtured so carefully evaporates like mist.

Feelings of self-hatred can erupt seemingly out of the blue. A small interaction can trigger an avalanche of self-doubt and uncertainty. You get one problem wrong on an exam and you say to yourself, “I’m a stupid idiot.” You make a well thought out decision to leave a job where you’re underpaid and treated badly, and instead of feeling proud, you’re sure no one will ever hire you again. Even though you are taking care of yourself, you somehow end up feeling wrong and defective-again

Self esteem is experienced in the moment, and your feelings about yourself will fluctuate as you move through the healing process. When you’re first facing your grief and anger or struggling with the impact of abuse on your life, you may feel worse than you felt before. Often shame, powerlessness, and self hatred are bottled up with memories of abuse, and as the memories come through, these feelings do, too.

Yet healing isn’t only about pain. It’s about learning to love yourself. As you move from feeling like a victim to being a proud survivor, you will have glimmers of hope, self respect, and satisfaction. Those are natural by products of healing.” (The Courage to Heal)

Yepper........I can relate to picking out the “one” problem I got wrong on the test and not looking at the 99 others I got right! Bam, bam, bam, I am so prone to cutting myself to pieces over that one negative outcome! Need to focus on the positive that I got the other 99 correct!!

The last paragraph says it all...... the “love” word. This is one of the hardest challenges for me. But, I know it is essential for my healing. So, I encourage anyone else who is struggling on their journey with low self-esteem (not necessarily due to having been abused sexually) to come along side with me as we grow together in loving not only our inner child but our adult selves also.


  1. ((((JBR)))))

  2. stuck-in-the-middleSeptember 22, 2009

    JBR I'm so very sorry. Hang in there.

  3. I wish you could "see" what I "see". I "see" a very courageous woman who is taking on one of the biggest Giants out there. You are fighting your Goliath with a boldness. If it wasn't for your comment on my blog, I don't know if I would even consider looking at the hurts I have buried and continue to stuff down. However, when I came here to thank you for your visit, I haven't been able to "leave". I also understand how it feels to have little or no self esteem. I've been told so many times that I can't expect others to love me if I don't love me. Although I know this to be true, it's getting past the stronghold(s) of all the negative comments over the years that seem to have cemented themselves against the truth of who I really am and who God created me to be. With that being said, mind if I tag along?

  4. For you from Psalm 29:11

    The LORD will give strength unto his people; the LORD will bless his people with peace.

  5. May God comfort you and continue to cover you with His love and grace... I know the fight is not easy but you are fighting and it's great, that you are inviting others to join in this battle. With God, nothing is impossible. God bless you. [[JBR]].

  6. I can and do feel your pain. The pain of our abuse can really cripple us in so many other ways that off shoot. Here agreeing and walking with you as you journey on to freedom!

  7. Most of us aren't extremely talented or unique, we're just regular human beings, the mainstream. There's nothing wrong with that sweetie.

  8. My daughters were worlds apart in school, academically, and athletically, morally, socially. Both had their source in me, as dad, but were totally different children.

    I have eight sisters and have come to learn that when they vent, it is often wise to listen, but woeful to offer solutions. It seems the venting and being heard, is key to growth. No solutions please! Just listen!

    Dove (soap people) recognize, and are fighting deception in women, that leads to low self esteem, by comparison that women do with each other. A series of ads have been run, but I sent my daughters "Evolution", a Dove commercial you can find on YouTube if the link does not work. Watch this first:


    In seconds, a woman is transformed into utter beauty, but it is NOT real. At the end, she is on a billboard and young girls casually walk by, never breaking stride, and look up to see "what they should look like".

    Well, you can NOT photoshop a real person, just a picture. It is a trap! Never compare.

    I have dated such beauties and find them as thick as a pie plate, for their beauty has paved an easy life. Things go their way, and they do not develop character. Once you have them for you, they are always pursued by other men, and CRAVE attention to the point of infidelity.
    NO single individual can meet the need for attention that has become their way of life. Narcissism is their calling card.

    My niece is a cutter. When her mom told me, I could not relate to such body abuse, and inquired from my then 14 year old why girls do this.

    "Dad, some girls are in pain everywhere in their body. When you cut yourself, it hurts real bad right there at that spot, and all the pain in your body runs to that point. When it is only in ONE place, you can deal with it, so they cut to deal with pain all over".

    I am supposed to be the parent and lead; look at who has the wisdom.

    We have an amusement park I often took the girls too...single parent dad (custodial).
    We would get to the end of the concourse and there were a series of mirrors.
    We walked by one and we were squished down little people, with no legs or necks, due to mirror curvature.

    In the next mirror, our legs were four feet tall and our necks two feet and we were the tallest around, due to a different curvature.

    A series of mirrors presented a series of absurd "US" to view. The question? Which one is the real me? I need a mirror that reflects the truth of what I look like. Anything else distorts and confuses.
    That mirror I need is called TRUTH.

    Miss California had the Miss America folks pay $5,000 to install implants for confidence to win. That is called fraud.

    The first gal to do plastic surgery to win was Miss Texas a few decades back. She did new nose and breasts and won Miss Texas, but at the Miss America, the other gals now knew and screamed unfair. They likened it to an athlete taking steroids and winning, while others used none. She lost Miss America for the precise reason she won Miss Texas.
    Woman have been battered by plastic surgery ever since to compete in a crude world.

    Deception distorts your body and soul.
    Truth reflects who you really are.

    I have never seen your picture.
    But I sense a caterpillar that has tasted dirt many years, climbed a twig and wrapped herself in a cocoon. And I sense the cocoon is breaking open from within, as your wings to fly need that exercise to survive once you are free to fly new heights in life.

    And once you become a butterfly, you never return to a slug inching around in the dirt.

    There are many people rooting for you, JBR.
    Why would they do that, unless you held value of some sort?
    Truth? You are of incredible value just for being the only JBR God ever created like you.


  9. Comparisons are one of the worst things I do to my self-esteem. For me, if people are different than me, their differences are good and I am bad. I am slowly learning that being different is not good or bad, just different.

    I am really trying to be positive and gentle with myself, just as you deserve for you! This isn't an easy thing to tackle, but I believe it can be done. Thanks for your post! Take care! <3

  10. In you a see a very strong woman with a deep beauty. I am sorry you struggle with this. I have for years. Even when I do something good it is hard for me to see it. We both need to see what other see in us. You have been such a blessing to me.

  11. Thank you all for your words of wisdom and kind words.

    Major hitting of the knees both yesterday and this morning in prayer.

    Ain't gonna lie to ya! This is so very painful for me emotionally!!!! Comming into work today was extremely difficult, as I knew I would observe again other's accomplishments and myself comparing. For some reason the intensity of the lack of self-esteem in me has heighten in the past week or so. Something is going on in my spirit!

    I took myself aside a couple of times this morning when I felt overwhelmed and sought the Lord just to calm me and get me through that particular moment.

  12. Hi JBR, it happens, just one negative thought and we are back to where we started. It makes me feel so lousy and I can't wait to get out of that feeling. It will pass, but it comes and goes.

  13. You are an amazing Woman..... keeping you in my prayers..

    You are loved in the world just for being YOU.

    Your blog is helping others.. and that is a beautiful thing.

    Thanks for being here for all of us.

  14. If you could see what I see, and what God sees, you would smile really big my friend. You are like a beautiful, roaring courageous lion, making your way through life, regardless the struggles. You are regal, and stand tall. I love you.

  15. Holy crap! You're words could very well have been my own! Right down to the getting 99 out of a hundred! I missed a dollar sign on a college accounting exam, which gave me a 99 out of a hundred. But I couldn't get passed the ONE point I missed; I got so down on myself, and for something so rediculous.

    My low self-esteem is a daily struggle for me, and I completely understand where you are right now. Like you, I have good days, but mostly bad. I find myself always wishing my life was more like others.

    The one piece of advice I can give is this: many times the people in our lives who overtly acknowledge their good fortune, and those who try to appear soooo happy, are usually the ones hiding inner UNhappiness. I have a sister that does that. I don't think you can ever be content with what you have or what you do as long as you are making comparisons, and believe me - I accel at that amazingly! But I have recently learned that I will NEVER be happy as long as I do that. I have recently begun to change that, and I am fully aware that it will be a rough road. Give yourself credit for at least being aware of what you are doing.... maybe that is the first step in changing it.

    Check out my blog if you would like; it address much of my self-esteem issues:


    You may find yourself in some on my words, just as I have in yours. HUGS!

  16. Accepting oneself is the hardest of all traits unless you're truly rooted in who God created you to be.

  17. Blessings

    "It’s about learning to love yourself. As you move from feeling like a victim to being a proud survivor, you will have glimmers of hope, self respect, and satisfaction."

    Thought this site might be a benefit to you.

    It's about learning to love yourself.

    Go to the "Your Heart" page and click on "Love is Rising."
    Check out the testimony on the last two pages first.

    It's from a women who also suffered through abuse
    and didn't think she could ever love herself.

    "God's Words of Comfort & Healing"


    Be blessed in your search for truth... Jesus.

  18. It takes strength to acknowledge your problem. Now acknowledge that strength, and feel good about it!

  19. Praying GOD will release you from this trap and admitting there are times when I still slip and allow the enemy to use this to tear me down.

    May both you and I stand strong in the strength of our Heavenly Father against the tricks of the devil.

    Blessings and prayers, andrea

  20. Selfesteem or the lack thereof can have a devestating effect on ones character. I know while growing up with my peers the pressure I would feel to compete. Eventually I outgrew competing with every one and claimed my self independent.

  21. The Lord says, "My strength is made perfect in weakness." You can give Him everything, He understands our deepest sufferings. You are unique and wonderful. God doesn't compare you with others. I'll pray that He heals your self-esteem. You have wonderful gifts and talents that are only yours. Look at how many hearts you are touching with your honesty.

  22. Howevery long it may take the pain of it all is worth it to your release. You go girl

  23. I just love and admire your openness.
    Love you :)

  24. Based on your blog and your comments on mine, I think you are a pretty nifty person. Why compare yourself with others? We are all unique. Any comparison would be faulty in nature. (I know...easier said than done because it requires breaking a habit and a mindset.)

    I can see from the comments here that others believe, like I do, that you can leave the low self-esteem behind, that you have much to offer and are offering it.

    You will be in my prayers today.

  25. Hi JBR,
    I can sympathize with your feeling of low self esteem. You are not alone even people who you think have it all suffer from it. You are still healing and as time goes by it will improve, try not to compare yourself to anyone else. In God's eyes you are loved just the way you are.

  26. Hi JBR, when I read your entry it strucks me hard because what I am experiencing is the same as yours. How do you cope with it so far? I have a very low self-esteem but it's not visible to others, I guess it is suppressed within me. People may think I am a cool person to talk to, but deep inside I keep comparing to others. This doesn't happen frequently, but if it happens I tend to think that they are better than me. In everything, and I can't even think of one that I am better at. I hope you will find a way to cope with the feeling, as what I am doing now. All the best to you.