"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Friday, September 11, 2009



“Remembering is different for every survivor. You may have numerous memories. Or you may have just one. You might have new images every day for weeks. Or you may experience your memories in clumps-several in a matter of days, then none for months. Sometimes survivors remember one abuser or a specific kind of abuse, only to remember, years later, another abuser or a different form of abuse.

Remembering sexual abuse or any traumatic event is not like remembering ordinary, nonthreatening experiences. When traumatic memories return, they sometimes seem distant, like something you’re observing from far away:

The actual rape memories for me are like from the end of a tunnel. That’s because I literally left my body at the scene. So I remember it from that perspective-there’s some physical distance between me and what’s going on. Those memories aren’t as sharp in focus. It’s like they happened in another dimension.

One woman said that her memories felt like a picture that gradually filled in:

When I had my first flashback, I remembered the sensation of being molested and I got a very clear image of the room. In fact, as the memory came back, I got more and more details of things in the room-there was a window here, and a dresser there, and always a person size hole in the picture where my uncle should have been. He wasn’t in the picture. I kind of started with the margins of the memory and then worked my way in.

Other times, memories come in bits and pieces.

I’d be driving home from my therapist’s office, and I’d start having flashes of things-just segments, like bloody sheets, or taking a bath, or throwing away my nightgown. For a long time, I remembered all the things around being raped, but not the rape itself.

If memories come to you in fragments, you may find it hard to place them in chronological order. You may not know exactly when the abuse began, how old you were, or when it stopped. The process of understanding the fragments can be like putting together a jigsaw puzzle or being a detective.

Part of me felt like I was on the trail of a murder mystery, and I was going to solve it. I really enjoyed following all the clues. “Okay, I was looking at the clock. It was mid-afternoon. Why was it mid-afternoon? Where could my mother have been? Oh, I bet she was at...” Tracing down the clues to find out exactly what happened was actually fun.

Ella, is a survivor who remembered piece-meal. To make sense of her memories, she began to examine some of her own strange habits. She started to analyze certain compulsive behaviors, such as staring at the light fixture whenever she was having sex:

I’d be making love and would think, “Why would somebody lie here, when they’re supposed to be having a pleasurable experience, and concentrate on a light fixture?” I remember every single lighting fixture in every single house we ever lived in! Why have I always been so obsessed with light under doors, and the interruption of light? That’s a crazy thing for an adult woman to be obsessive about-that someone walks past and cracks the light. What’s that about?

Ella realized that she was watching to see if her father’s footsteps stopped outside her door at night. If they did, that meant he’d come in and molest her. Once Ella started to pay attention to these kinds of details, her memories began to fall into place.

Even though everything you remember may not be a literal representation of what happened, there is always an essential emotional truth to memory that can help us understand our experience.” (The Courage to Heal)

Powerful stuff!

The section on “memories coming in bits and pieces,” is relatable. There would be times after a t. session, while driving home, I would remember more to what I shared just a few minutes beforehand. A lot of the time I would get on my case and say, “now why could not I remember this while in t?”

The section in brown/red above is me. As it is hard for me to chronologically remember which incident took place first and which, if at all, any strung together as one in the same day? I certainly do have vivid remembrance of at least three incidents with my brother. I am pretty sure that two were at different times. Also, am sure there were other times in-between the three, but just cannot recall.

I do not recall how old I was when my brother started sexually abusing me, and I cannot honestly say how old I was when he stopped.


  1. Although I do think one has to deal with each and every instance lodged in the memory to break the dam that is holding one back. I don't think placing each and everyone in chronological order is necessary to complete the puzzle.

    Be Well Kiddo.

  2. stuck-in-the-middleSeptember 11, 2009

    You hang in there JBR!

  3. Just relax and allow God to place things in order for you sweet one. He will do it in His time when He knows that you are ready. Keep strong! You're doing great!!! Hugs sweet one! :o)

  4. Appreciate your comments, Walking Man, stuck and Rhonda! Allowing God to take charge! Thank you!

  5. I come often to your blog. Don't necessarily post all the time. I gain so much insight to what you post and what others say and/or experience. This post in particular has touched my heart. Right now I'm in counseling dealing with my abusive past and hurting terribly. I find I have memory lapses, but am assured that it's ok. In time if I need to remember pain, it will be revealed. This post and your countless others you've shared have helped me tremendously. God has used you and is using you in a special and mighty way. Thank you.

  6. God will fit all the pieces together like a puzzle, when He feels you are ready. You are a beautiful work in progress, love you.

  7. Denise thank you for your comment dear one. You are truly appreciated.

    Anonymous, thank you for taking the time to post your heart. I am so very sorry for the pain you are going through, but in a way glad that you are, as you are on your way to freedom. Appreciated your comment very much.

    I leave what I post up to the Holy Spirit if it needs to be shared. There have been many times I was ready to press the button to 'submit a post' and stopped before hand as I knew in my spirit it was not meant to be. So I am hoping He leads me with these posts.

  8. Good post. Thank you. I'm sure you're helping a lot of people. God Bless.

  9. Memory work must be terribly difficult. When I have the beginnings of uncomfortable memories I quickly try to push them out of my mind.

  10. is it necessary to go into so much detail as sorting out what came first?

  11. My memories come in bits and pieces. There are still pieces missing. Most all my memories of my entire childhood are missing.

  12. A million hugs to you.

    You are doing so many a service with your honesty and GETTING the FACTS out about abuse.

    I was an AVID reader and I do remember quite young reading sexual abuse is NOT the same thing as a loving sexual relationship. It helped me put it into perspective.

    The sexual experience is one of the most beautiful and binding and special gift we receive from our HIGHER Power.. and I've learned to view it that way.

    It is sad that there are so many abusers out there in the world.. and so many times are relative or trusted family friends or trusted community members.. (the people we tell our children they can trust). Very sad.

  13. Ms Hen, Wanda, Shadow, AD, thank you for your comments and concerns.

  14. Powerful post JBR. Thanks for posting and taking the time to review this book with your opinions.

  15. ONce again, I thank you for posting this. I could relate to so much of it. I read this book over a year ago, before the memories came back. At that time, I could not relate to it like I can now, so it was good for me to revisit it.

    In January of this year, I remembered a huge chunk of my early childhood, all at once. Since I have a dissociative disorder, I remembered everything associated with that period of time, all clumped together, and I remembered it in great detail, as if it had just happened.

    Interspersed with memories of playing with the dog we had at that time, of watching my mother change my baby brother, of eating family meals, of playing with a chatty Cathy doll, I also remembered my father coming in my room at night. I remembered his hand over my face, and the fear - that was what really hit me.

    Memory is a stange thing.

  16. Very perceptive post. My own belief is that memories--especially traumatic memories--are stored in pieces all over the brain, clustered by sounds and smells and sights and especially emotions. And yes, it does make it hard to piece things together chronologically. In my own case, I came to believe that what mattered were not the details of what happened but rather the messages I took in about myself, others, the world because of the events and that healing meant rewriting the lies I'd come to believe.

  17. .
    Andrea, thank you for your prayers!

    Dee Dee, my pleasure to post these.

    Shen, I am so very sorry for the terror that you father caused you! Thank you for being brave to share it here.

    April, good analogy. I agree are senses play a big part in memory too. Thank you for sharing.