The little paragraph below shares an interesting perspective of what I feel I am experiencing. I almost overlooked this section, as it is so brief, yet powerful:
Coming To Terms With The Way Things Are
“Part of grieving is replacing the unconditional love you felt for your family as a child with a realistic assessment. On the one hand, your childhood might have been completely awful. On the other hand, there might have been a lot of good times mixed in with the abuse. If you also have feelings of love for your abuser, you must reconcile that love with the fact that he or she abused you.” (The Courage to Heal)
I know I have come to terms with the fact that my brother did indeed sexually abuse me! That goes without saying. What bothers me is that I do not feel the anger towards him for doing this. Likely scenario, I have not arrived at this point yet and am still in the grieving process!
Therefore, the very last sentence is hard for me right now, because I am not angry at him. . . . . . yet!
Or am I missing something.......
I do not know if I quite understand that last line???
After accepting and forgiving my abuser (family member) I still love them. I don't trust them, but I love them. I guess I should just say it is complicated.
ReplyDeleteBlessings, hugs, and prayers, andrea
I still hate my step-grandfather if he wasn't all ready died i might run him over, but i guess it might be different if its a brother
ReplyDeleteI guess that line refers to those who still continue to love their abuser and yet deny the abuse ever happened. So those need to take courage to admit that it did happen, and where do you want to go from there. Loving a person and telling that all is not well, does not mean you do not love anymore. You just want to make it right. Unless the other person refuses to make it right, you'll just have to put a stop to it. I believe there is a limit to whom you could love. It takes 2 hands to clap.
ReplyDeleteI have mixed feelings towards my abuser. This might sound odd, but I had to "allow" myself to be angry at him. It was far easier for me to direct my anger at myself, instead of at him.
ReplyDeleteI could see it being different for each person, depending on so many factors. I could see grief preceding anger. To me that line says, that though one may love an abuser, they must also accept that the abuser abused you.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you never will feel anger. Maybe you don't need to. I think the key element is forgiveness -- and that is sometimes very hard.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what you are missing but you said what I have struggled with for years. Tho my brother didn't sexually abuse me, he did set me up to be raped so he could watch and he tortured me all of my childhood. I love him, I always have, because, yes, there was the fun stuff. It makes me feel like Judas.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the part that you're missing is the part that only the Lord can heal and you haven't given Him permission to heal that part as only He can. When I looked over at that picture of the little girl in His arms, I hope you see that little girl as you.
ReplyDeleteI never had any kind of relation to this stepfather who abused me. Till it happened he never was any presence to / for me. No love hence involved and no difficulties either. However different point when it comes to my mother which delievered me to him, knew about it therefore and simply abandoned me. This kind of abuse I couldnt forgive for many years. I would like to know how it is to grow up in a appreciatevie and attentive mother-daughter realtion. However over the years and due to therapy, I have forgoven her. If I love her? Never thought about this way. I have forgiven her, she is dead by now and as I never had a loving relation with her it is now difficult and undesired to try to develop something unnecessary.
ReplyDeletehttp://themanwhowalksalonewalksfaster.blogspot.com/2009/10/thereapy.html
ReplyDelete*shrug* Maybe you read it and maybe not but do scroll through the comments.
For years and years I had a love for the 1 predominant alcoholic in my life...so hard to fathom now, so hard to explain. My step-father. It took me a very long time and a lot of recovery work to see him CLEARLY. I do not have hate in my heart toward him because I understand he was in his own sickness, but I came to terms with his actions and their effects on my life. I DID at one point get very angry...it took a lot out of me physically, the acceptance of it. It was a POWERFUL time for me, not frightening though, just out of the haze and into a clear understanding. You may get this without feeling angry.
ReplyDeletesorry, but i don't quite get it either.
ReplyDeletebut i do hope that you do learn to forgive and move on.
of course i do believe that forgiving-- is so much easier than forgetting.
i only pray that find peace with what you're gong through.
happy saturday--
yup-- i'm late-- again. sorry.
The last line simply means you need to associate with what love is and abuse. What your brother did was not love. Sometimes when it's a family member our hearts and minds have a hard time coming to grip with the reality they couldn't have loved us doing what they did to us.
ReplyDeleteThe guilt you've felt all these years wasn't yours to carry, it should of been his. I think you're closer to realizing this than you know. (Hugs)Indigo
Appreciate all your comments in helping me understand here. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI used to struggle so much with a critical jelouse heart. On occassion I am reminded that I'm human and have to correct my thinking and who I am in Christ. Great post!
ReplyDeleteGod, the one and only true healer, will heal you dear one.
ReplyDelete