"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

DYING INSIDE

I do not know where to begin. Did not want to post about this. Except I said when I started this blog that I wanted to be as real as possible, in not only helping myself, but helping others.

I have been hurting emotionally really bad these past few days. All the posts I have written of late, Living Guilt Free, Perfect People, Rejection, Critical Words, with the sprinkle of desiring to be intimate with God share exactly what I have been going through. A mish-mash! I wanted to be strong. God knows how much I desire my healing! But, I am at a point where I can cry at a drop of a hat, which I have been doing (so glad I had these days off from work). Becoming in touch with my feelings now, is extremely painful! When crying I go back and forth with the guilt, that I should not even be doing that. But, I have come to the conclusion not to be ashamed and let the tears flow! Recalling memories good and bad from my childhood appear so vivid.

Only thing I did, that I should not have, was buy a bottle of cheap red wine (I do not drink) and finished it off in an afternoon. I just wanted to numb for a bit. Temporary fix, I know. Instead, I got sick! Do I feel a failure that I could not rely on God during this time? Yes.

I feel so alone on my journey. Only God can take me places that I alone have to experience. Do I feel all the things I have talked about these past few days, guilty, shame, critical? Yeah. But, then again, I would never admit to feeling the feelings I am experiencing and facing them now if I was not healing. So, I do see progress despite my temporary steps backwards.

48 comments:

  1. JBR, I have read your post and I'm not exactly sure what to say to help you...
    I am so sorry for your pain. I will also say that I appreciate your realness, and your courage to share as you did above...very much!
    Sending you love and acceptance.... ~ Grace

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  2. You've got it! You are healing. I use to "NEVER" cry. Now, when the flood gates open it is a bit more like Niagara falls! The healing process seems to last forever and is a bit of a roller coaster. You may not want to hear that, but I have found it to be the truth. Just when I think I am finally healed, GOD allows something else to come up that I need to deal with. Honestly, He knows we can not handle but so much at a time....so HE lets us deal with it as we can handle it.
    Blessings and big hugs, andrea

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  3. ((((((((( JBR ))))))))) It's okay... let those tears flow! Yes, it's all part of your healing process. Feeling the pain will eventually allow you to free it. You are healing, and I'm praying for you!

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  4. Oh honey I'm sorry that your hurting. Let those tears flow as a cleansing. ((((JBR))))

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  5. The sorrows of this life are too heavy for us to bear alone. As believers we are encouraged to come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. 2 Corinthians 1:3 reminds us that our Heavenly Father is "the God of all comfort." He is able to bind up the broken-hearted, to heal the most painful wounds, and to give hope and joy amidst the heaviest sorrows.

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  6. JBR... the crying is part of the healing. I didn't cry for almost 39 years. Then, just like the river the meets the sea, I poured it out. I allow myself to cry now without guilt. It is a sign that something within me needs reconciling and it's my duty to myself to find the reconsiliation. I don't care if others think it silly or out of context. It matters zero to me. I feel healthier than I ever have since I began my therapy for PTSD. Granted, I have not gone now for a year but what I learned while there is no one will fully understand how we feel. It's up to us to acknowledge it, get through it and then and only then get up and over it.
    Hugs to you as you walk through this part of your journey.
    Tammy

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  7. I believe tears are God's gift to help us cleanse. God is holding you in the palm of His hand as you continue on your path of healing, JBR! Your post sounds like another breakthrough to me and you'll only come out stronger- once again! God Bless YOU!

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  8. {{{{JBR}}}}} I am sorry you are going through a painful time. Tears are part of the healing. Sometimes I feel that is all I do. You are getting stronger my friend. Hang in there.

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  9. I'm thankful for your comments on my blog this morning, as you wrote about dealing with the pain of long-term memories. You keep trudging, and I'll keep trudging, and as your anonymous commenter said, Our Father is "the God of all comfort." He is able to bind up the broken-hearted, to heal the most painful wounds, and to give hope and joy amidst the heaviest sorrows." I've heard tears called "soul washing" and that adds a comfort to the process, doesn't it?

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  10. Getting in touch with the feelings is difficult but yes, healing. You will weather this. Have faith.

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  11. Let your tears wash down those painful wounds...allow His grace to continue to rain down on you...Blessings JBR...

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  12. Sorry its so tought for you now. Pray you'll be able to work through the pain wtih god.

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  13. Let the tears flow, let those emotions come. Only when we are real before him.. can the real healing begin.
    Praying for you. In him.
    Laura

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  14. I hope you have good people around you.

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  15. Hang in there.

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  16. Those tears of yours are a necessary part of your healing and God sees and holds each one of them in his hand. Hang in there because you will get through and beyond to freedom and joy again.

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  17. Your life does have a purpose. You do have a caring God. He does love you.

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  18. Remember that you are seated in the heavenlies with Jesus, far above the power of the enemy. He is the rock. Stay in His word & drink from it until your soul is satisfied. There is a balm! You are a loved child of the King. Don't give up your seat - put on the armor of God & take up the sword of the spirit to combat the lies of the enemy. He is the Father of lies. Don't believe him. He is the author of confusion. Your God is the God of clarity. Praying for you right now sweet sister!
    Wylie

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  19. Hey JBR, I hope you've forgiven yourself for 'buying the cheap wine.' We all fall. We all do dumb things. It feels like you're alone...but you're not. You got all of us and mostly He won't ever give up on you until. Praying the gentleness of His power touches you in a special way tonight. Forgive yourself ok and from one who can't cry....wow. I admire you. Sarah

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  20. JBR in reading everyones comments, your not alone. Your in good company. I'm sorry for your troubles. Many do care about you. Me to.

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  21. On my journey of healing or maybe I should say becoming who I was made to be in Christ. What I have learned is that the process is like an onion....it comes in layers. The deeper the layer, the more it stinks, and the more tears that come.

    Let the Lord continue and don't feel badly about your emotions, your tears OR your past...just know the the Lord is with you every step of the way and the more of HIM becomes all HE made you to be!!

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  22. As Ruth Graham's last books title states, "Fear Not Tomorrow, God Is Already There." He already knows your tommorrow and is already there meeting with you. Trust him. God Bless.

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  23. Been praying for you, my friend.
    And you know, recovery from these things is often three steps forward, two steps back. There are good days, and bad days, but when we look back over the days/weeks/months, we can see we have made progress that cannot be seen when in the middle of it all.
    We all make mistakes, but what a wonderful God that He not only forgives us, but keeps no record of those mistakes as well.

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  24. I think I know how you might be feeling and I am sorry for your struggles. It's so hard when you feel so alone in your healing. I have tried to drink away my feelings, too. It didn't work... they came back worse than ever with more added on top - which sounds like you experienced. The good thing is that you know what not to do next time. God is there for you. I know you believe that. You are getting through it - as horrible as you feel now - it does get better. I've been working so hard on my healing for a long time. I've been to the bottom of the pit and have come so far out. If I can do it - you can do it - you are doing it. Please, dear one, do something special for you. Make yourself a good cup of cocoa with marshmallows or your favorite tea...cuddle up with a warm blanket and light some candles - just don't fall asleep with them burning! Listen to soft music and tell yourself you beautiful you are - as you are - acknowledge how far you have come in your healing. You may not be where you want - but you are not where you were. God helps us most through our trials. You are a success - as you are - feeling what you are. You are amazing. Blessings to you and I'm praying for you.

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  25. I love a good cry, it makes me feel much better afterward and like most of the others who commented, I believe tears are a gift and are healing. As for the bottle of wine; none of us are perfect. God forgives us and then we put it behind us. Everybody falls occasionally, what is most important is: Getting back up after you fall. You are in my prayers, JBR:)

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  26. Have a good cry. Get the impurities out.

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  27. Oh JBR, I know this feeling all too well. I too have been struggling with feeling alone and oh so weak on this journey. It often feels like the path in front of us is so long, that all we have the strength to do is sit down and weep. Do it. As I am finding, tears have a purpose. They will bring you the strength you need to keep going.

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  28. I think we always have to cry things out at least once, and as often as we want to, in order to relieve the awful tightness that is emotion in us. then we can get better! So cry til you're dry. Hey, it's a poem, but it works.

    Secretia

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  29. My precious sister , praying for you Jbr, Asking God to fill you with the peace of His presence.
    Isa:42:3: A bruised reed shall he not break, and the smoking flax shall he not quench: he shall bring forth judgment unto truth.
    Blessings, GG

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  30. Most of us imagine that in God’s eyes we are just one of millions.
    We know most people don’t think we are important and so we assume
    God thinks of us in a similar way. But then, again, God is not like
    ‘most people.’ We feel that God has favorites and we think we’re a fair
    way down the list, but we are about to see this is one way where feelings
    do not correspond to reality. To God, you are special.

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  31. Sometimes things are just sad, and that's OK too. Just don't let the sad overwhelm you. (And the problem with wine, is that alcohol is a depressant too! No uplift there unfortunately.) I think the holidays can be a real downer because expectations either are too high to be met, or are so low they are depressing!!! Praying for your happiness!

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  32. Precious one, let the tears rain down, cleansing will be yours. God loves you, and so do I.

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  33. stuck-in-the-middleNovember 30, 2009

    JBR hang in there! If I could I'd take your pain.

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  34. cry. let it out. and know the sun rises each morning. you're in my prayers.

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  35. Just keep going, don't stop, don't go back, just press through the pain and healing will come. Don't be ashamed of tears, God invented them, right? Weeping may endure for a night (sometimes a night seems like a long season), but joy comes in the morning (that's God's promise to you if you keep going). God bless

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  36. Hang on my child.  God is working in you to purify.

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  37. Crying is good, if you feel like more crying it means you have not let all the negative out yet.
    Just let go, don't hold back. You have to give it all up before(release stored negative energy, yell it out) you can begin to feel better, lighter and be in even better spirits. It will make you stronger. God Bless you dear.

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  38. Like you I get sick trying to drink alcohol. Half a glas of wine means 3 days of headache, tummy ache and moodiness. Obviously not my choice for numbing. Which we all do once in a while for getting some relief. As you know I am Pagan but I do believe that the Lord you believe in is not mean on you. When u need a break of all and everything he surely is the first to understand. it is said "on the seventh day he rested" - your seventh days happen NOW, so what. He understand, please be not cruel on you. Straight form my Pagan heart to yours. Love you, you are just right on track.

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  39. Pain does eventually go away and it sounds like you can only go up from here. God is always there and will help you through it.

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  40. I'm praying for you right now!!

    Sometimes there are seasons of healing and we must rest in Him in the process....like one layer of the onion after the other. BUT, HE IS THE LOVER OF YOUR SOUL....YOU ARE HIS CHILD AND HE IS LEADING YOU TO A PLACE OF COMPLETE HEALING AND FREEDOM IN HIM! HE'S ALREADY PAID FOR YOUR FREEDOM AND WHOLENESS THROUGH HIS SHED BLOOD AND HAS RAISED YOU UP TO SIT WITH HIM IN THE HEAVENLIES (EPHESIANS 2:6). STAND IN THE AUTHORITY YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN AS A CHILD OF THE LIVING GOD AND DON'T GIVE PLACE OR LISTEN TO THE enemy!! YOU ARE MORE THAN A CONQUERER THROUGH JESUS! HE IS RUNNING TO YOUR AIDE AND HAS ALREADY MADE A WAY OF WHOLENESS FOR YOU PRECIOUS CHILD OF GOD!

    SEE YOURSELF THE WAY HE SEE'S YOU.......COMPLETELY FREE!! AND LAY HOLD OF THAT FREEDOM WITH TENACIOUS, VIOLENT FAITH IN HIM AND HIS PROMISES!!

    HE IS FAITHFUL!!

    SWEET BLESSINGS!
    JACKIE

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  41. In my life, I have found healing to be a forward spiral - occasionally turning back on itself but then moving forward again - that is all - you have just taking a back turn on your forward spiral - Jesus never lets go - you are writing truth and truth sets us free!

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  42. You are not alone, JBR, even when it feels that way. ((hugs)) to you my friend xx

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  43. Letting the tears flow surely does bring healing to the brokenness inside. Like all feelings, this too shall pass, JBR! Prayers are coming your way.

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  44. Well, that's BEING REAL, girl. I KNOW you have seen a doctor about this...but...have you? Unless it is against your 'religion', maybe you'd consider telling a doctor (Internal Medicine Man) just what you blogged tonight. See if he has some suggestions...then follow his advice.

    Thanks for your honesty in a being real good post!

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  45. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name, Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.

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  46. Crying is a healthy release. Much better than repressing all those emotions. Even Jesus cried. And remember, when we are at our weakest, that is when we are also the strongest, because it is at that point we surrender and let God be God through us. (2 Corinthians 12:10)

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