"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Thursday, December 31, 2009

ADMITTING I AM WEAK


Currently, in this phase of my journey, my prayers have changed from asking God to please take away the painful circumstance to, God please show me what I can learn from the painful circumstance.

Case in point, just the other day it was confirmed I screwed up majorily at work (something I do not do often) by putting down a wrong source code on a big project. Even though it was rectified, and my boss more or less poo-pooed the error, it bothered me BIG TIME because of my past I would think....... "I was not perfect. What would people think about me, I am a failure, I feel rejected, I will not be liked anymore, etc." Then the amount of shame that would follow is the real killer! The error probably would not have bothered me as much if I was not close to my co-workers as I am. The price one pays for 'being real' I suppose.

Now after a day or so of ranting and raving and beating myself up verbally by calling myself everything imaginable including 'stupid,' 'dumb ass,' 'doofess,' 'idiot,' 'poo-poo head' and some other unmentionables that contain four letter words, I was finally open to what the Lord wanted to reveal to me:

(1) I was not letting myself be human;
(2) A certain amount of pride was involved, because I wanted to do the project and not ask for help as "I wanted it done correctly." Yeah right, then I end up screwing it up anyway; and
(3) There will be plenty more times in my life that I will screw up things; and
(4) Accepting and being gentle with myself. Life does go on.
(5) When I am weak, He is so very strong; And finally,
(6) Trusting God with the outcome of what people think of me.

So..... this is part of the painful process. It is not easy to dismiss right now. I still have fleeting moments of hurt with Satan's jabs of that I should not have messed this project up!!! But.......I am not perfect! I am human! And next time, and there will be a next time, and many more to follow, when I do screw up I pray that I will have a quicker response in knowing who I am in Christ and be kinder to myself.

I will be off from work the next few days. And it is NO coincidence that what has transpired recently, the pain of feeling rejected and a failure have NOT gone unnoticed by God! He orchestrated my circumstance perfectly in order to show me what needs to still be worked on and to take this opportunity of quiet time away from the situation and reflect and draw nearer to Him. To received His GRACE (not just believe it but receive it) and to give my physical body a chance to heal from the affects of my journey thus far.




34 comments:

  1. I punish myself too...more than it's necessary!
    Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey JBR. I understand where you're coming from. Been there, and at times am still there also. You're not alone in this! God's answer is that we are not victims but victors. God has said that we can trust Him in everything and that every event in our lives should be counted as ALL joy (James 1:2). He has also told us that He will cause good to come out of every situation for those who love Him (Romans 8:28)
    Try not beating yourself up. You've been redeemed. God Bless and happy new year!

    ReplyDelete
  3. stuck-in-the-middleDecember 31, 2009

    Hang in there JBR! I'm rooting for ya!

    ReplyDelete
  4. When I feel like that, not letting myself be human, it takes time to realize what I did, and figure out how to prevent it from recurring. You can handle things!

    ReplyDelete
  5. JBR, good that you realised beating yourself up wont be of any assistance to anyone, including yourself. Recently I have been asked what perfection means to me and why exactly I strife to reach it. I figured I have no real concept of perfection, no pic at all - meaning I am strifing to reach something of which I dont even know what it is. That was quite curing.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I love brand new words, e.g., "majorily", it is now in my dictionary!

    Hey JBR..many peeps--me, too--believe in God, have Faith. The next step, and it is ongoing and...HUGE...is TRUST God. When I do that I don't beat up on myself--TOO much!

    I love the humanness of people, and yours also.

    HAPPY "REAL" NEW YEAR 2010 to you!

    ReplyDelete
  7. JBR, oh my goodness, that sounds like a page out of my life. I put unreasonable requirements on my self when clearly I can't be the "perfect" person. Lord knows I have proven that to myself over the years, yet when I make a mistake, I beat myself up over it. God doesn't, why should I?
    We are such silly creatures. It's good that you have some time to reflect and perhaps learn to give yourself a break as I am trying to do as well. God bless you! Hugs!
    Rose

    ReplyDelete
  8. Wow, been there. In that exact scenario. I think what is hardest for me is to just stay with those feelings of "not worthiness". Why is it not ok for me to make mistakes? When I am in the most pain I reach for God the most. He is always there when I do.
    Thank you for such an honest post.
    Joe

    ReplyDelete
  9. Sweetie, keep holding on to him. Your journey will not be for naught. Happy New Year!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Wow!! Moving forward so fast now! Happy New Year--it looks promising, yes?

    ReplyDelete
  11. JBR, glad you are giving yourself the same leeway not to be perfect you probably automatically give others. Yeah!!! Have a stress free holiday weekend.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I wish you a blessed New Year ahead! Just keep the faith.. ~hugs~

    ReplyDelete
  13. How does that old saying go...to err is human.
    We're all human, yes?
    I see your struggles and your humanness.
    I appreicate everything you share.
    Have a blessed new year's and I wish you peace in continued healing in 2010....

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hello, my friend~

    I am sorry I have not been around much lately. So much has been going on here I feel like I am in a whirlwind and I don't know when it will stop! lol

    I know that I am not perfect and that I will ALWAYS be a "work in progress" in every area of my life.

    As always, I continue to pray for you, my sister!

    Blessings~
    Laura

    ReplyDelete
  15. I am glad that you are aware of perfectionist behavior. It's funny how we can be our own worst enemy with negative self-talk and such. I wish you more healing as more awareness and positive self-talk occurs! Have a happy 2010! Take care! <3

    ReplyDelete
  16. Yes, sweet friend. Grace, grace, God's grace. Let it wash over you to restore refresh you. We all need it! All the time! Happy new year to you!
    Wylie

    ReplyDelete
  17. Psalms 31:24 says to be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.

    He will see you through. Trust.

    ReplyDelete
  18. JBR:
    Funny thing is... the struggles you are naimg here, are probably more common to ALL of us than you would beleive. No doubt your fellow workers have similar issues from time to time too, I know that I do. But the bottom line in your life remains strong, and I can see your thinking develop as you see new things and trust more...just like me.

    Rich New Year blessings!

    Sonja

    ReplyDelete
  19. JBR, none of us are perfect, we all make mistakes....the trick is learning how to forgive ourselves, learn from our mistakes and then move forward. Life is a challenge but it does not have to be hard, God is good and Life is good....we make good choices by his grace my friend....may you always be guided into good choices especially as a brand New Year begins.......Happy New Year.....:-) Hugs

    ReplyDelete
  20. Sacred In His ArmsDecember 31, 2009

    Just be real you have yourself a fantastic new year. Try at let up on yourself. You deserve so much more than you know. When you have a heavenly father that supplies your love tank to the max, you will never run out of his love. Happy new year!

    ReplyDelete
  21. JBR the desire to be perfect is something that comes from our past. It is good to know we can grow and learn from mistakes. God is so good to be there to comfort and teach us when we let Him. Have a Happy New Year.

    ReplyDelete
  22. JBR dear, I think I need to make this prayer too. I tend to be too hard on myself when I fail and ashamed and embarrassed about it. But I am only human. Nobody is perfect indeed. Took me too long to learn that. Bless you dear.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Happy New Year! All the best.
    Cheers and regards.
    (I'll be back)
    Regina

    ReplyDelete
  24. May that grace you talk about fall upon you! JBR have a wonderful New Years and I'm so glad to have found in your blog. Your real!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Yes, human. And a lovely human at that. Have a nice few days off. Be kind to yourself. Happy New Year.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Just wanted to leave you with some words of HOPE and encouragement as we ring out the old and and step onto the threshold of the NEW!

    IN CHRIST - old things are passed away - BEHOLD - all things become NEW!

    The enemy of our soul lies to us - but God's Word [Christ - THE TRUTH] speaks truth to our souls:

    **The enemy wants you stuck in the mud...
    BUT GOD wants you to fly like the eagle!

    **The enemy says, "you can't"...
    BUT Christ says, "In ME you can do all things."

    ** The enemy says, "this is too far gone"...
    BUT GOD says in Isaih 61:4, Through Christ - you can rebuild, restore and renew that situation!

    ** The enemy says, "You're filthy, vile, impure"...
    BUT GOD says, "You are forgiven, cleansed, PURE, made holy, and MINE!"

    We will continue to listen to the lies of the enemy UNTIL we begin replacing those lies with the TRUTH of GOD'S WORD [in CHRIST]!

    We KNOW the TRUTH - now let's join together in this New Year coming and BELIEVE the TRUTH!!

    Choosing JOY in JESUS ONLY in 2010!
    Stephanie

    ReplyDelete
  27. I have an award for you on my Catholic blog. You do not need to do anything - just know I care!

    ReplyDelete
  28. when all is said and done, we're all human, and need time to access, process and move forward... may your journey go in leaps and bounds this new year!

    ReplyDelete
  29. I always refer back to that God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. amen!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Happy New Year! May Gods grace fall upon you JBR!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Odd character that Spirit is. Seems whenever you dial the phone he is always there to answer it.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Amen...life does go on...and the things we beat ourselves up over...are forgiven and forgotten by the only One that really matters...so thankful His mercies are new each morning...

    ReplyDelete
  33. The awarenesses that you get from Spirit is such a blessing to your recovery. Until you are aware, you can't change anything. Knowing that you can be weak and imperfect is your strength. It is what makes you authentic. Have a glorious 2010.

    ReplyDelete
  34. JBR, I was inspired by your words here so I went to my blog and wrote an article about you. Here is the link:

    http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/01/awareness-is-key-to-growth.html

    You are truly an inspiration to me and I wanted to share that with my readers.

    ReplyDelete