ADMITTING I AM WEAK

Currently, in this phase of my journey, my prayers have changed from asking God to please take away the painful circumstance to, God please show me what I can learn from the painful circumstance.

Case in point, just the other day it was confirmed I screwed up majorily at work (something I do not do often) by putting down a wrong source code on a big project. Even though it was rectified, and my boss more or less poo-pooed the error, it bothered me BIG TIME because of my past I would think....... "I was not perfect. What would people think about me, I am a failure, I feel rejected, I will not be liked anymore, etc." Then the amount of shame that would follow is the real killer! The error probably would not have bothered me as much if I was not close to my co-workers as I am. The price one pays for 'being real' I suppose.

Now after a day or so of ranting and raving and beating myself up verbally by calling myself everything imaginable including 'stupid,' 'dumb ass,' 'doofess,' 'idiot,' 'poo-poo head' and some other unmentionables that contain four letter words, I was finally open to what the Lord wanted to reveal to me:

(1) I was not letting myself be human;
(2) A certain amount of pride was involved, because I wanted to do the project and not ask for help as "I wanted it done correctly." Yeah right, then I end up screwing it up anyway; and
(3) There will be plenty more times in my life that I will screw up things; and
(4) Accepting and being gentle with myself. Life does go on.
(5) When I am weak, He is so very strong; And finally,
(6) Trusting God with the outcome of what people think of me.

So..... this is part of the painful process. It is not easy to dismiss right now. I still have fleeting moments of hurt with Satan's jabs of that I should not have messed this project up!!! But.......I am not perfect! I am human! And next time, and there will be a next time, and many more to follow, when I do screw up I pray that I will have a quicker response in knowing who I am in Christ and be kinder to myself.

I will be off from work the next few days. And it is NO coincidence that what has transpired recently, the pain of feeling rejected and a failure have NOT gone unnoticed by God! He orchestrated my circumstance perfectly in order to show me what needs to still be worked on and to take this opportunity of quiet time away from the situation and reflect and draw nearer to Him. To received His GRACE (not just believe it but receive it) and to give my physical body a chance to heal from the affects of my journey thus far.