"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Sunday, December 27, 2009



“There are many aspects of healing that bring great rewards, but perhaps none is more fundamental or personal as healing at the body level. When we reclaim our bodies, we gain access to the most direct knowledge of our lives-our immediate physical experience. When our bodies are our own again, we have a safe home in the world. And when we truly inhabit our bodies, we are empowered.” (The Courage to Heal)

When I read the above I had to really think how this could apply to me.

You know, the above does not only relate to being sexually violated, but physically and verbally as well.

Growing up in an environment of having porn magazines available at my fingertips along with my brothers was not a good set-up. Being molested by my older brother when I was 8 or 9 affected me. The trauma of the sexual abuse had me to believe sex was the main focal point to any intimate relationship! Forget about having a conversation and enjoying and having a fun date. No, the thought of when was my date going to make his advances loomed heavily on my mind!!!! No wonder I was scared to death of intimacy!!!! I certainly did not enjoy the process and feared physical pain when I went ahead and let my body be used!! I dreaded the moment of being intimate!!! But at the same time wanted so much to be normal! I thought something was wrong with me!! Thought I had the major hangup!! I was afraid of commitment. Could not even foresee myself ever being married. Fear would engulf me terribly that one time I became sick that I had to make up some lame excuse just to end the date. I remembered my date was not too happy to return me home early than planned! I was just so freaking scared! I became an expert at sabotaging my dates. To this day I do not even know how I ended up getting two marriage proposals even. Eventually I became more of a recluse and added this chapter of my life to not being worthy enough for anyone and just did not bother trying anymore.

Slowly but surely, I am in the process of reclaiming my body back. Not just in the physical, but in the emotional. I still struggle in this area to how important sex is in a relationship. So, like with everything else, in time.....


  1. an amazing post b/c it's so true for me too. Being touched, held, anyone coming close...made me want to fight...and run. I hated being female, hated being seen. And still struggle with being seen in some ways. Hugs to you JBR. Thanks for your honesty with touch issues.

  2. I'm touchjed by your story and I'm sorry for your pain. May 2010 be a better year for you!

  3. OH yeah, secxual, emotional and spiritual intimacy was a nightmare for me , for sure never to be managed. I managed one but not all 3 at teh same time - After I reclaimed by body obviously. By now I know that I still sabotage one or the other however beingaware of it now I can step in and observe if there is really a reasoon to distance myself. Well took me nearly 10 years. All in time, we are work in progress, arent we. Hugs to you

  4. I can completely relate to this post.

  5. Beatings! I certainly can understand reclaiming my body back. Your post is inspirational and timely. Than you.

  6. Yeah, I agree but I'm going to be quite honest with you.

    Trying to force someone to be something they are not is also a form of rape. For instance, I was writing to a person I was really sexually attracted to only to have a bunch of

    People hack my computers and tap my phone lines at my house. So because of this, I now have problems with sex too.

    Not that I think sex is dirty. It is because the person I was corresponding with was wealthy and the people surrounding this person thought it would be funny to subliminally mindrape me.

    Well there is no God in that and that why the internet needs to be regulated more and sex talk kept in the bedroom. You see,

    When someone can go into another person's house and tell them who they can and can not want, I tend to have a problem with that. When two people communicate with each other,

    Those two people alone should decide whether they want to not speak or not. I guess what I'm trying to say is I still seek some closure for some things which left me

    Spiritually raped. And the people who did this to me know nothing of God.

    God would never try to use sex and the internet to manipulate the way people think.

    And I'm talking about porn sites which actually should be regulated.

    And I'm also talking about religious groups who would try to manipulate a gay person into being straight as well.

    God isn't about manipulation or judging. If you ask me, the evil in the world is that.

    To manipulate a person, to try and break their will, has nothing to do with God.

    Nor does tapping someone's phone lines. Can I call you Michelle? For some reason, you remind me of someone called Michelle who resides in Alabama.

  7. It is His beautiful gift, unfortunately misused by humans. Thank you for praying for me! God did answer them! I'm so grateful! God bless and enjoy your day!

  8. JBR, I really rsonate with this post and this is something I'm really struggling with right now! In a big way! I have never felt I had the right to say no to a man - I still feel that way.
    The therapist says that's something we need to work on, me reclaiming my body...baby steps, but some day....Thank you for ths post!

  9. I can relate to much of what you say here. I, too, have isolated myself, sabotaged my relationships, left so the person I cared for couldn't leave me. I wish you well on your journey of healing.

  10. Sorry to read about your abuse. Emotional health is so important and leisure tends to be low priority in our society but everyone needs to have some fun. Discovering something you like to do may help in your healing. God Bless.

  11. You're on your way. Keep reading and processing and healing. Your voice helps others.

  12. I can't say that I've ever dealt with this issue and I am grateful for that. I know it brings a lot of pain to many people. May we all move closer and closer to knowing that our bodies are ours to honor and take of, enjoy, and share as we wish...and only as we wish.

  13. I will be praying for you this year!

  14. I to understand this, sometimes i still feel like thats all im good for its ether sex or someone slave
    you have something at my blog hugggggggggggggggs

  15. So many things can warp the way we see intimacy and our bodies ... who we are really. Thank you for sharing this. My story may be different from yours but many of the emotions are the same. Keep healing, sister. It's worth the journey.

  16. Great post!! THANK YOU!!

  17. Hey JBR!
    Great post sweetie! Sometimes we need to just take the risk and enjoy the moments. Hope your New Year is filled will loving moments.


  18. Look at how many people are touched by your honesty. Certainly God is using you to minister to others.

  19. JBR hope you had a good Christmas. Thank you for your continued courage in sharing your pain with us all!

  20. OMG! Your blog shares your courage in your trials! I too have faced similar events of my past. 5 years of intense therapy and medication. The pain in your words I sense. Your blog shares the light of truth in God which I pray helps you along.

  21. I am 50+ and since my early childhood, I associated sex with love - DIRECTLY. If I gave myself to someone sexually, then surely they would love me and care for me. God help me, the tens of times that I was disappointed to never hear from the man again ... why did my father molest me before I was even three years old? Then leave me? I now know the 'WHY' of a lifetime of behavior. I can't dwell on it ... it does not good ... I have to move forward, beyond that horrific time in the life of me as a toddler. I cannot forgive him. He died a couple of years ago and I felt NOTHING. I still feel NOTHING. SOME people think that biological association grants some people certain "rights" of respect ... au contrare! He was full of the devil and I feel nothing for him. In fact, I don't even think about him. Moving out of and beyond that scenario was essential to my happiness and mental well-being. I have arrived, my friend, and you can, too!

  22. Your post has grabbed my heart. Sending you love amd hugs.

  23. what i admire about you, is that although you have these dark areas in your life, each one does have a light at the end. a light you put there. with the grace of god...

  24. No, thank YOU for being real and transparent.

  25. Sounds like I came from the same place as you. Intimacy still plagues me. I have put up walls that only God can take down. I'm thankful though, because I think I need God more than normal people do. How about you?

  26. such a really great post - thank you. And a Happy New year to you too

  27. Wow, JBR. It amazes me how similar our paths are at the moment. I just wrote a blog 5 minutes ago without having caught up on anyone's blogs since I got back to town on Friday... and here this blog is, touching on the same subject matter and emotions. I can honestly say I feel for you and am here if you need to talk!

  28. Thank you, for your comment.
    The issue you wrote about can be ...simply complicated!
    And in away I related to it, and I hope at the right time the right person with the right means breaks that wall for you.
    Take care

  29. I just bought my second copy of Courage To Heal. I gave the first one away to a friend years ago when she started looking at her own incest issues. I decided to read it again to see if any new issues come up for me.

    Intimacy is one of the most difficult things to know how to do when you were abused as a child by the person that you should have been able to trust the most. I have been blessed to be in a 37 year marriage to the same wonderful man who gives me the space to do my healing from incest at my own pace. Sometimes he gets a little impatient with the hangups that I still have with sexual intimacy.

    I am still in the process of reclaiming my body and my sexuality. The past few years I have taken big steps toward recovery in this area but I am still not where my husband wants me to be all the time. We have both made compromises in this area. I am so much better than I used to be. I am beginning to feel powerful as a woman in my own body.