"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Monday, December 07, 2009

PAINFULLY PAINFUL


I hurt emotionally so freaking bad!

I feel I am at a "very weak point" in my journey!

Probably is the worst I have ever felt. I desire having friends so much, but at the same time I desire now to be independent so much more!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE ENMESHED anymore! I want healthy relationships. I do not feel fullfilled!!!I want to run and hide!!! Sometimes, I wonder if I will be able to make it. If actually my thinking will be able to change for the better!

I want to be able to wake up in the morning and not feel the dread of "I cannot believe I have to face the same scenario over again today. A never ending loop of the same crap again! I do not even want to get out of bed!" It takes everything in me to force myself out of my home in the morning to go to work and pretend I am okay.

I am finding it extremely difficult to just sit back and mend and "just be" and say to God, "help me through the pain of feeling failure, rejection and shame." Mainly because I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. But, I do it anyway. I manage to get the words out in desperation. Even though I can say to myself over and over again, that human beings will always disappoint, it still does not ease the pain when they do. I still desire the acceptance from my fellowman. I want to feel special. I want to be liked. But, I do not like how I try and attain my acceptance through trying to please!!!

I want so much one day to actually be able to feel God's acceptance!! Not just head knowledge!! I am NOT at that place yet, and it hurts so bad that I am not. Sadly, at this point I continue to substitute His love for the love that I am "trying" to gain from others. A battle that will never be won this way! So why do it you ask? Conditioned.....

Please do not tell me not to beat up on myself. I have no other way of explaining how I feel except by digging deep within and relaying my pain here as best I can. Sometimes there are just no words for the amount of pain one experiences. The pain as I conclude is so real that I hope what I do share comes across genuine. I am not here to sugar-coat my feelings, then I would not be real.

42 comments:

  1. I know one can never feel exactly what another feels... but I think I can relate. Two and a half years ago I felt the worst pain ever - emotionally. I broke down in every way. I have come so far - and you will too. You are so far ahead of where I was. You KNOW you have God with you. He's helping you feel and get through that horrendous pain. You are healing even though it sucks through and through in so many ways. I'm praying for you - hugs.

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  2. I'm sorry you're hurting so bad. You aren't alone in this. And God never wastes a hurt.
    ((((hugs))))

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  3. If I'm to understand my religious friends, giving it to God, and being his servant, etc, does not mean we will not suffer and because we are human, we will stumble and sometimes fall. Your pain is real, you feel consumed by it sometimes, I can tell by your writings. Know that it is okay to be upset because the pain is too much, too heavy, and too consistent. If you never experienced pain as you do (and expressed your feelings about it), you would not Be Real. My thots are with you, you are not alone - December is a month of excruciating loss and pain for me; I know how you feel.

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  4. I am feeling this confusion myself. I am in and out, sometimes I need to convince myself that I am blessed and I need to let go. I want friends but I guess deep down I need GOD more.

    Guess you need him more than you know. We will be here for each other. Guess that is what blogging friends are for. We can be open without being ridiculed, becos it is our true feelings right in the depths of our hearts. Hugs, love and prayers.

    P.S never prayed so much till now that I started blogging

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  5. I can relate. Seeing some old events and the lies that were imparted into me in my youth. Those agreements made.
    Mine today was about not being worth it and never being taken care of as a kid. So I asked some one what that looks like for them.
    I have a plan to follow what they do when they get up each morning. I begin tomorrow.

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  6. Just remember,that I care about you.even though we have never meet,I care!As do many of us out hwere.Great Big Hug.

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  7. I am praying for you, sister.
    Bear in your mind that you are not alone. You got friends around. :)

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  8. I am praying for you, as you continue to your real journey.

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  9. hugs JBR! Worried about you, wanting you to be happier.

    Everyone has moments of self doubt and negative thoughts - even those you think are having perfect lives. Wishing you smooth riding over this rough spot in your journey to self actualization! God's love is there like sunshine on a warm summer day. You don't have to be aware of it to feel it and be warmed by it!

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  10. You are 100% real and genuine, JBR. I understand, friend x

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  11. JBR, "hugs". I can't say that I know how you feel but at my age, I have had my share of pain, from different things. Loss of children, loss of parents, loss of friends and so on. Amazingly, when I thought I would never feel good again and that I was alone, when I did finally get to a point where I was more "me", I could see God was there all along. There is something about that "refining" that shapes us and molds us to become the person God want's.
    Praying for you!
    Rose

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  12. A prayer for you. Dear Lord, I know You suffered the sting of rejection in a much more intense way than I ever will. And while this rejection is small in the grand scheme of life, it feels huge in my heart right now. Will You help me process this? Will You help me see past it? Will You let this fragile heart feel the warmth of Your acceptance and love today? In Jesus' Name, Amen.

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  13. stuck-in-the-middleDecember 08, 2009

    JBR sending hugs your way!!!

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  14. only once you feel it, can you fix it... it's a hard road, but here are some *hugs* to help you along...

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  15. Hey JBR, you'll make it b/c I made it. And I've learned He waits - patiently beside us - until we're ready - until we feel safe - He never gives up - He won't let you give up or give in to those feelings. He just won't. In your corner - Sarah

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  16. YOU ARE STRONG! YORU VICTORY IS IN CHRIST WHEN HE TOOK UPON HIMSELF ALL YOUR PAIN!

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  17. The heart feels what the heart feels. The mind is where the keys to the heart lay. You are amassing keys kiddo. Lock up some doors you have seen enough of what is behind them and open others that you aren't sure of what lies behind them.

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  18. Sorry for your heart pain. Get to know Gods character. God Bless.

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  19. Thank God you know Jesus. There are no words to share that can take the place of the comforting arms and words of our Savior.

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  20. Thanks for sharing. I'm sure you touched a place deep inside many people. "Joy comes in the morning" as it says in the Bible. Hang on. Stay open to help and support.

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  21. ((((JBR))))

    I am so sorry for the pain you're feeling right now. But you know how a wound starts hurting so much and itching like mad, when it's healing?
    Think of your pain as healing, because you have to go through this and you will make it out on the other side.
    I know it's tough.. boy do I know.

    Sending you lots of hugs.
    xx

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  22. Most of us who make it to the doors of recovery, are so broken and in need of spiritual healing. We have a few sayings to help us get through until we can see the light ourselves.
    "This too shall pass"
    "Bring the body, and the mind will follow"
    "Pain is the touchstone of ALL spiritual growth"
    You're right where you're supposed to be...for today. Faith is not knowing what is around the next corner. Love and hugs to you JBR. You are not alone.

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  23. Sending hugs your way JBR.

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  24. The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    His mercies never come to an end;
    They are new every morning;
    Great is your faithfulness.
    ~ Lamentations 3: 22-23

    This is for you my dear one.

    Joy, love and calmness to you,
    Susan

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  25. But, you DIDN'T run away, and you DO get up in the morning. Those are BIG things when all of life is a struggle. And your writing... blessing you and blessing so many others. And even when it seems that God is in the shadows, He is RIGHT. THERE. WITH. YOU.... Keep trekking, the fog will lighten!!!

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  26. How about just a plain ole' safe (((HUG))))
    sorry for your pain.... ~ Grace

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  27. Busting through this as you are will bring you to understand God's acceptance of you and your acceptance of yourself.

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  28. You and I, my friend... We're together praying to God. Mercy.

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  29. I am sending a prayer your way. Thank you for such an honest and real post!

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  30. You're an honest real person! Dont forget, we all care about you and so does God! You are loved, you are in my prayers... <3

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  31. Praying for you. GOD knows where you are.. He will bring you to where you need to be. For now.. He is healing you and its a painful thing.
    Know you are loved and may his peace envelope you today.

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  32. I pray you get to that place where you can feel how much God loves you...unconditionally. There was a time in my life when I was sooo freaked out about what other people thought of me, and I finally got to the place where I said "You know what? I am not defined by what they think, I am defined by what God thinks." And then I found all the scriptures that told me what God thinks of me, and lived like I believed it.

    Ask and you shall receive...

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  33. I pray that the peace of God takes you to his loving arms and embraces you. I'm sorry that your hurting.

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  34. Hey JBR,
    Been praying for you.
    I understand you are not where you need to be yet, but these things take time.
    So hang in there, my friend, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

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  35. I can so relate to what you're sharing. Keep being real, I do so appreciate you!

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  36. You're right: The "head knowledge" (great term, BTW) is so much easier than really feeling it...believing it. I've struggled with this so much myself. But, I think I'm finding that my "feeling the feelings" in general (even the really icky and terribly painful ones) is helping with this. I hope you can find that, too. In the meantime, I know it sucks and it hurts. I'm sending all the safe, warm, gentle, comforting hugs I can right now. ((((((((JBR))))))))

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  37. Maybe I shouldn't ask but I have had to ask myself this question and wonder if it would help you too. Whose love are you longing for that is standing in the way of your receiving God's love for you? Is it someone who isn't capable of loving and therefore, is not able to love you? It doesn't make you unlovable; it just means it's not possible for that person(s) to love you they don't know how to love and aren't able to give what they don't have. Once you come to realize that; it opens the door for God's love to reach you and for you to be ready to accept that love.

    I don't know about you but I needed this today.

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  38. He hears you! Allow Him in and trust in Him and He will show you He is there.

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  39. All my life, I have felt the extreme pain of reltionships that were lost, not by my choice, and I never handled rejection (which is how I saw it) very well. I repeated the same mistakes over and over again, the resulting hurt and shame always being the same. I KNEW there was a reason. I have no memories prior to the time I was adopted at age 3. My therapist, I think, saw something in my life that gave her a pretty good clue about those years. She refused to hypnotize for fear of such a diasastrous breakdown that I could never recover. A psychic told me never to go there, I was "safe now", and I didn't "need to worry about that." Long story but I blanked out with my best friend one evening and told her. "The only memory I have is of him holding my hand, walking me into the bathroom and standing me up on the toilet." I knew then the WHY of a million things in my life. I was always looking for my daddy in my relationships with me; I felt rejected when I was given up for adoption; therefore, I responded dreadfully to broken relationships; I confused sex with love.

    JBR, there is one thing that you fail to recognize about yourself: You Are A SURVIVOR! That is how you were able to come this far. My daddy (adoptive) told me something that was probably the greatest words he ever spoke to me when I revealed my revelation to him: "Honey, you need to think of your life as beginning when you came to live with us. We loved you and you have been safe ever since."

    Second thing I want to say is, it is very hard to literally GIVE a problem to our Loving Father and then forget it, at least no longer worry over it. I recently had something happen that pulled the rug from under me. I went to my prayer place, grabbled my Rosary and cried, screamed "dear God, please help me" ... and a lot of other things. I begged him in my brokeness to PLEASE TAKE THIS FROM ME, all the while praising His Son and the Blessed Mother. It was an indescribable feeling when I felt something go through my body and I suddenly ceased crying. I felt relief. I truly gave it to Him, and he helped me by TAKING IT FROM ME. The problem was solved (prayer answered) very shortly afterward.

    I can give you a thousand other stories to help hold you up, and I will if you need me. You must truly GIVE YOURSELF UP, every part of your soul, and HAVE FAITH that GOD IS TAKING YOUR PAIN onto Himself! If you believe it, it will be! LOVE, FAITH, and HOPE .. alpha and omega ... it began with Him and it ends with Him. Praise God.

    I am praying for you to cease giving in to those demons that are dragging you down. You are strong, never forget that! You can CHOOSE a different path, it is up to you.

    I'll be praying and I will be back to see how you are doing. Come and ask anything of me and I will answer you as best I can.

    In Christ,
    Abbey

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  40. Thank you all for your comments. My heart is truly truly truly touched as best as I can feel.

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  41. Mental and emotional exhaustion is so much more draining than physical...IMO...praying for strength, wisdom, and complete peace for you during this season in your life...remember Who has your back...Who goes before you...Who walks beside you...and Who is in you...

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