"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Monday, January 18, 2010

AFRAID TO SPEAK


I was always afraid to talk. Fear of saying something stupid and being ridiculed. My dad would make me feel uncomfortable when speaking to him. I felt pressure to be right and intelligent sounding. It seemed he demanded so much more from me.

Fear of speaking up spilled over into school. I would always sit in the back hide myself behind the kid in front of me, or some kind of partition, hoping to be invisible to the teacher when she looked around the room to see who she can call on to read out loud or answer her question that I did not even pay attention to in the first place. Most of the time, I was successful in hiding, other times not. Sheer panic gripped me out of the fear in giving the wrong answer. Having the kids laugh at me when I did so just confirmed to me "stupid." I remember breaking out in a sweat because of the fear of being wrong. Feeling so much emotional pain across the board did not make things easier.

I am now just getting my voice back. Still extremely hard for me to share an opinion out of fear of not making sense and then people not understanding my logic. Very hard. Requires stepping out in faith! Slowly but surely as I find my worth more in Christ and press on in my journey speaking will become easier!


43 comments:

  1. People have fears of speaking in public, in fact that particular fear ranks highest of all in what people are afraid of the most-punlic speaking.

    Just practice it bu doing, it is not difficult to overcome, I did it, so I know.

    Secretia

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  2. stuck-in-the-middleJanuary 18, 2010

    JBR I know what you mean. "Here's to finding your voice!"

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  3. I don't like to speak in public, but occasionally I find when I am really passionate about something it is really easy for me to speak. Glad you are finding your "voice."

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  4. I can relate to this post. I understand what it's like to want to be invisible. You certainly have found your voice here, and have inspired many. Thanks for sharing.

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  5. Your voice has the right to be heard as anyone else's. May He continue to give you the courage and strength so you may overcome. Take care.

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  6. You are definitely finding your voice. Just look at how you are expressing on these pages. God is giving you freedom as you continue to step out and trust Him.

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  7. JBR, your voice is BEAUTIFUL!!!!! And the more you develop it, the more beautiful it will become because I believe that God is going to use you to help so many others find their voice. I pray you have a wonderful day full of blessings!

    HUGS

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  8. Yesterday my pastor spoke about how we are "imprinted" from our family, from our culture, from life. But when we receive Christ we become a new creature, and even though we still have our old nature, Christ begins to "imprint" on our hearts. Oh to only desire God's opinion, to not worry what others think, or if we look the right way. What is the right way anyway?!! May God's imprint begin to overtake the worlds in our hearts!!

    I can see God's imprint on you.
    Blessings dear one!

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  9. Keep pressing on dear sis, love you.

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  10. Sweeite your on the right path to success. Keep working on putting God first. Believe in him and what he can do for you.

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  11. Every single time I read here, I swear to God, we grew up in the same home. So afraid to speak. So wanting to just be invisable. Finding my voice has been a long journey. And yet still if I am truly honest with you, must admit I still struggle to this day. Even though I have been with my most wonderful husband for 4 years now, I occasionally still fear saying something wrong or sounding stupid. My husbands knows of my pasts so he is very understanding but there are times he gets frustrated...recently he asked me "How long are you going to have to be with me before you realize that your opinion does matter? And that I am not going to ridicule what you have to say?" I don't know the answer because it's not like I do it on purpose.

    Still to this day, I prefer to not be noticed. I like to be in the background. I don't have an opinion on things that I probabally should. I fight the desire to be invisable and the natural safety I feel in that. Yet, I have come so far and I try to focus on that. And I do know that the longer I am free from living in oppression and abuse, the more I will rise above those natural inclinations. I also know God is healing me one step at a time...as I am willing to release those parts of me over to Him as I recognize them showing their ugly faces. I pray the same for you. I so appreciate you sharing so honestly from your heart this journey of yours. Thank you. Happy Monday to you, Lori

    PS I too am crying out for the people of Haiti daily. It is breaking my heart.

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  12. more hugs to you and I join you in praying for the people of Haiti.
    ~AM

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  13. I had the same experience with my father. If I wasn't speaking fast enough or making sense he would shut me down or simply walk away. I was homeschooled so I never learned to speak in public or even small groups.

    Recently though, like in the last month, I feel like I am getting my voice for once. I am able to make jokes in groups, say an opinion or an insight. I know this can happen for you too.

    xox, Catherine

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  14. You were describing my childhood.
    Have you given up on him yet?
    I have.

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  15. Thanks for linking to Haiti. I've relatives in Haiti. All are ok. thank God.
    Praying for you as your go on your way in healing.

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  16. you are a kindred spirit. I have lived afraid to speak. So thankful both of us are finding our voice. Hugs to you bud. Sarah

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  17. Me to! Afraid to get up in front of people speak my mind. Your post is refreshing to know I'm not alone. HOpe you get better.

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  18. Amen! You keep pressing on in Jesus' name sweet sister! Victory!
    Wylie

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  19. See? You have a lot of friends who feel just as you do, including me. One foot in front of the other . . . it's not a race and you should get there in your own time, and no one else's.

    Blessings!

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  20. Ur pain is felt by me. Keep the faith.

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  21. It's not a race. You're doing the most important thing and just putting one foot in front of the other and going for it. I suspect that every time you speak it gets a little easier. Take faith in the fact that you've got something to share that's important to others and pray for guidance and the right words. God Bless!

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  22. You JBR have so mcuh to share. Recovery takes time. Liek the above comment it's not a race. Take your time. Praying for you.

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  23. Although I speak in front of people often, I am still afraid to be heard...
    Finding your voice is more than speaking, it is knowing what you have to say is important because it comes from you and you are important.
    Believe that

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  24. I was the same way.

    And now I SPEAK....A LOT!

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  25. I enjoyed looking over your blog
    God bless you

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  26. I'm going to echo off everyone and say that your voice is beautiful. God wants to hear it! ((((((hugs)))))))

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  27. i still feel that way sometimes because with an opinion or being REAL (even in a wonderful and good way), there are people who need to rebuke or criticize. guess we can wave "buh-bye" to the critics?

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  28. AWESOME BLOG

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  29. Praying through your trial God will reveal to you your next step to health and happiness. God Bless.

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  30. Fear is the hard part to destroy within but once it is seen in proportion to the reality of understanding it is seen as how small it truly is. We magnify it in our mind and give it much more space than deserved.

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  31. The Father already loves you, what more could you gain by taking those little steps forward.
    We hear you.

    BM

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  32. The more I read on your blog, the more I realize how much we have in common. I have the exact same problem...afraid to speak, worried I'll be judged, worried I'm not smart enough or good enough. Thank God that God doesn't see us that way! He loves us JUST AS WE ARE!

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  33. Honestly saying afraid of what? No body can say you anything.Its you that has to take the challenge.Go ahead and show the world and Silent Canon is more dangerous.

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  34. WHAT! You just described me!

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  35. I know what you mean. Stepping out of the dark and voicing my opinions & feelings is still very hard for me. I just take it one day at a time - and so should you! Thanks for sharing! ((Hugs!)) Love, S.C.

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  36. I'm just like you. Enjoy reading your posts. Thank you for being real.

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  37. JBR haven't been around lately sorry. Hope your doing ok.

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  38. You make such sense, and tell such truths, as always JBR. Thank God for you x

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  39. Praying for your restoration in your time of struggle. Remember God is always near. He never leaves you. His love is available. Keep seeking and reaching out to him.

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  40. I have grown to where I can speak in public but that doesn't mean it still doesn't make me nervous though. :) The first few minutes are the toughest and then you forget. The trick, I think, is not to look at too many faces. Find one that looks like they're interested in what you're saying. :)

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  41. Ohhh... I know the feeling. But I also have found the tremendous freedom of not worrying about speaking my heart. I have come to know that my 'worth' isn't found in the opinions of others - and I'm not responsible for how people receive what I have to say. I'm only responsible to be obedient to God and testify and speak as He leads. The rest is up to Him and the individuals who hear what I say.
    THAT took a lot of pressure off of me.
    Praying that you will speak only for 'an Audience of One' and know that HE IS PLEASED!

    Luke 12:12 **smile**

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  42. You speak out well here on your blog. We all have to find our own way of speaking out. Writing is a good way. Hugs!

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