"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

MOVING FORWARD IS PAINFUL


Even though I am finding many times moving forward in my journey is beneficial, the pain that goes along with the healing can be down right excruciating!

Dealing with my issues in the present, the memories of the past come up in order to show me how I was affected growing up with the disapproval from my father. It could have been anything. He just was an impatient man who thought one should catch on quick.

My crying would not be appreciated by my father as his negative cutting remarks or disapproval of me would spill out of his mouth. I quickly learned not to cry in front of him or not at all.

I cry now as I type these words in the privacy of my home before the Lord. It is no wonder I feel shame to cry in front of anyone, because I was shamed for doing it growing up. I had to suck-it-up around my father.

Already on his second marriage with three children from his previous, he repeated his pattern when married to my mother. The bottle and porno were his best friends. Although he did pay more attention to my older brothers, I felt left out and wanted his attention. I wanted so much to be included! I do not have many cherished memories alone with my father. I filled the emptiness with turning my attention to playing all day with the neighborhood kids and fantasizing.

After my mother divorced my father when I was eleven, and I was forced to move away into a whole new realm of pain with my mother and her new husband, I isolated. Going from a playful active kid to within weeks of turning into a introvert who did not understand the meaning of turmoil and emotional pain was frightening.

To this day, the pain of isolation is so very hard for me to handle. The sheer aloneness of feeling unconnected to humanity a lot of the time paralyzes me. The isolation blends right along with feeling rejected and abandoned. It is hard for me to reach out to people because of the issues I mentioned above. My sensitivity in reading someones negative body language before they even speak, will prevent me from approaching.

Because I was never intended to be isolated! I chose to be in order to not feel!

Now I feel and it is very painful!



35 comments:

  1. Hello Wanda, thanks for stopping by. I left you an e-mail.
    QMM

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  2. I identify with so much of this.
    If I ever cried, my father promised to "give me something to really cry about."
    I am constantly reading other's body language too - hyper sensitive to it.
    Keep breathing through the pain. As we open ourselves up to it, we open ourselves up even more to the good stuff too.
    (((hugs))) Sorry I haven't been commenting as much. I've been trying to keep my head above water. But you are in my prayers.

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  3. Keep going! It does get easier. Those memories ultimately less emotional and more a part of your understanding of yourself IN THE PAST. You are here now, in the present. Writing about it, I am sure, is cathartic. It is for me. And let the tears come. We were given tear-ability for a reason! Prayers for you, for your present and your future, both of which CAN be changed.

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  4. My heart aches for you after reading this post!
    Cry and let it all out!

    I send you a hug of comfort!

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  5. God understands your tears and will always be with you.....you are never isolated when you believe and trust in God and all his mysterious ways, he understands.......:-) Hugs

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  6. The enemy wants us to be isolated. 1John tells us that the fellowship in Christ is in fellowship with other believers. If we stay in the light, He is in the light. And, His blood purifies us from all sin. It is so important to remain in the body. And the body needs all of us b/c we cannot function as a whole under the head of Christ without eachother. Stay in the body & in the fellowship of the light. It is how we remain in Him - His word, prayer, fellowship & service with God's people. The light dispels the darkness & holds the truth that sets captives free. It extinquishes every flaming arrow, stronghold & lie of the enemy.

    Blessings to you sweet friend...
    Wylie

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  7. Sending you giant ((((HUGS)))). Be good to yourself. It does get better. XX Lori

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  8. Sending you much love, and many prayers.

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  9. I've been crying my eyes out reading this post and the one before it about yoru mother. Agian I can relate so very well. Recovery is just that recovering from your past. Takes time. You didn't get here over night. Hang in there. You're a work in progress as your bio states.

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  10. I feel very awful for you. I know that doesn't help, but I can feel your pain. My parents were the best parents, but what happened to me was that I had a lot of werid friends growing up and as my self esteem got lower and lower, my friends got werider and weirder. At eleven years old one of my friends got me drunk. Another hit me. Then just before I was diagnosed with my mental illness, I was raped. It's hard when your pain is from another person because you can't control what the other person does! I will pray for you.
    Peace,
    Amanda

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  11. I want you to know by you sharing your inner most feelings has changed my heart. I am a beliver in Christ. Feeling lately a tug on my heart to have a maintenance check-up with a counselor on a few things going on presently with me. Reading some of your past posts and struggles have convinced me that there's nothing wrong with therapy . Thanks for opening up yourself. Helped me. Will be back.
    Shelly

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  12. I think I rush through my days without realizing that there are people who are so bruised from years of pain. I'm going to look for you in my days and give someone an encouraging smile. Thank you JBR, your blog is a blessing.

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  13. May God's grace continue to ease the pain as you continue toward restoration and complete healing. God bless you JBR!

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  14. I am going to keep you in my prayers. It must be comforting knowing that you have so many friends who care.
    Blessings,
    Deborah

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  15. You are an AMAZING writer and an AMAZING woman! One day you will read back through your journaling on this blog and see just how far you've overcome!! You are helping so many others with putting your feelings out there. Many are connecting to your pain and your steps forward through it all.

    The void earthly fathers leave when they don't take the time to be with and love their daughters makes for such a huge hole in the heart. Then add to that drinking and porno and the hole gets bigger. But by golly, you are filling that hole with letting yourself relive the pain so you can overcome and fill up that hole with your heavenly Father's love and adoration for YOU. YOU ARE HIS DELIGHT!!!! HE HAS GREAT PLANS FOR YOU... and I cannot wait to see what those plans are. Proud of you!

    Lee Ann

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  16. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you!" Isaiah 43:2

    May you feel God's grace and abiding love wrapped around you like a warm and comforting blanket as you continue on the road to full recovery.

    Uplifting you in prayer, sweet JBR!

    Blessings~
    Laura

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  17. (((Hugs)))
    I remember having to live emotionless. Hiding my emotions. Once I came to terms with my abuse I decided that I was going to live each moment of my life expressing whatever emotion I was feeling. Nothing and no one was going to hold me back from being real.
    Yaya

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  18. I am so proud of you RBG. It takes total guts to disclose what you did. I think by admitting it, owning it...will bring the healing. Totally proud of you. Sarah

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  19. the most REAL part of our journey is often our pain! I have learnt the hard way that the only way through it is to feel it!! Thank you for sharing you heart...

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  20. Stay the coursel You are in good hands....God's.

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  21. I don't know if i did my did my daughter any good my staying with him, i know it didn't do me any good just wasted my life of want could been, my husband was good to my daughter just not to me

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  22. I do relate to this post quite a bit! I learned when I was young that crying was weakness. I was not to do it at home or at school where I was called a crybaby. I still struggle with this as I want to be strong and invulnerable, or at least appear that way. I can also relate to the transformation from playfulness to introvert. It happened to me around the 5th grade, I'm still not sure what caused it. The feelings can get overwhelming but I believe you will adjust. Take care! *hugs* <3

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  23. Hey I feel for you, the pain sounds so very real. Thanks for sharing. Healing is indeed hard, change is hard. We get so used to having the pain in our lives that we think it belongs to us, think it is a part of us. But it isn't. It is an addition, an appendage that we carry around. It serves a purpose for a little while, in a way it helps us grow. But then, it gets old and smelly and rotting and we have to cut it out, like a cancer. And it can. and will go

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  24. Isolation just to damaging. Praying for strength to carry your through your days of your journey. Want to mention thanks for taking the time to share and giving a link to the Haiti crisis to donate. Many people I suppose will be in church today praying for the souls lost. God Bless.

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  25. isolation and abandonment = feelings of my childhood.

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  26. Found this paragraph in my email this morning:

    We were not created to be isolated, independent creatures. We were created to be
    interdependent. We need each other. And in order for us to be helped by others
    and to be helpful to others, we need to practice honesty. That means we must
    learn how to talk to each other about our thoughts and our feelings and our
    needs. We must learn to talk about our struggles and failures, about our dreams
    and our successes.

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  27. Your tears and pain arent wasted but a way to set you free. You started rooting, the plant and blossom will follow. Hugs across the pond

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  28. Hey JBR,
    Those issues do make it hard to reach out to others, always trying to read their body language, expressions, tone of their voice, reading things into their words. (That's me too.) But you are aware of this, and the Holy Spirit has not finished His work in you yet.
    God bless

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  29. JBR, my heart aches reading this, my wish for you: rainbows to follow the clouds.
    You're always in my prayers , I'm thinking of you and sending you a huge, massive HUG.xx
    You're in God's hands!
    Blessings

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  30. omg! JBR! (((big bear hugs)))

    I was going through something like that a long time ago, but gar less less intense than yours. I know that nothing can ever erase the pain, but you are truly a lovely and a special human being.
    You'll feel better.
    Listening. :)

    With tonnes of love,
    apeetha. <3

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  31. Oh JBR, I know how those tears feel. Please try not to feel shame. Remember that God places every tear we shed in a bottle with our name on it! Those tears are tears of conquering pain and freedom. You are a wonderful BEAUTIFUL girl that has nothing to feel ashamed about! Continue to trust in Him. Try to put a smile on that beautiful face of yours today!

    {{{HUGS}}}

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  32. Just Be Real! It will be okay! As, I read your words I think of myself. It is almost identical to what I have felt in my life. My past was different from your, but in my adult life I have felt those very same feelings. I felt unbalanced and while I don't like to be alone - letting people in has got me hurt in the past. Just allow God to show you how to be. It is only HE that can fix, heal, and mend what was broken in you so long ago. Feeling hurts and the pain can be so bad that you don't know where or how to even process it. However, just know that feeling leads to healing and from that to renewal and restoration. It takes time, but hang in there, hold on to God's perfect love and in the end you will see that what he has for you will be something that can glorify him and help that greater good of man! I will keep you in my prayers! (((HUGS)))

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  33. It sounds like from this post and the next that you are getting there! Trying to live life the way we were meant to, apart from all the pain, is a hard journey but definitly worth it.
    Thanks for coming by my blog and sharing. I so appreciate it.

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