"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Saturday, January 23, 2010


God has me in a place that is very uncomfortable. He is having me stand up and have a voice! Something I ever hardly do. Especially growing up.

As a young child, when I would hear my parents fight and I was in the same room, I remember now, I would crawl into a chair and bring my legs up to my chest and wrap my arms around them, crying and pleading for them to stop fighting. Or I would hide around the corner listening to their verbal abuse, sliding down the wall as I dissolved into a heap of tears. Cringing at every inflection of their anger. My pleads did not work. I felt at a lost. I was not able to help. I felt "it was my fault."

Hearing and witnessing the pain in my own soul when I had to listen to them fight and the hurt they displayed for one another damaged my belief system. Where in fact my little mind was so confused thinking, "is this what love is all about?" No wonder confrontation of any kind is so very painful for me! I have associated love with pain. And then having my brother molest me brought even more confusion to the table.

I shut down even more. That is why I am so prone to given in. To being the weaker one. To letting people take advantage of me across the board. To feeling a failure.

So, the big scary monster is becoming more prevalent in my life these days. My style of dealing with conflict would be to run. Avoid it like the plague. The emotional pain is so unbearable many times. The idea of speaking my mind and having worth is so very scary for me still!!


I know God wants to give me grace in this area. To become stronger. To be set free! To be me! To gain more wisdom in how to deal with the big scary monster and to trust Him!


  1. Run only far enough so that you can turn around completely and FACE things.
    When you do, it's more manageable.


  2. my first instinct in any confrontation, when faced with any anger, even if not directed at me, is to 'hide'. turn into myself. and then try to do anything to make it well again... ring a bell?

  3. I can relate to your post. My parents fought like that, too. And I remember how scared I felt. God has given you grace. You have a voice, and it's loving and supportive of so many.

  4. I know right now it is overwhelming. But trust me, there will come a time when your soul will be calmer. But the only way to get to that point is to work through it and allow these memories to come to you so you can process them.

  5. What you describe here describes me and my reaction to anger, confrontation, and loud voices for most of my life. Yes, over the past few years it has gotten better but only because I did what you are doing now. Facing it. Figuring out why and how you got here. My first gut reaction to being around anyone angry is to shut down. Instantly, I want to run and hide under my bed or in my closet because that was my survival for the first 17 years of my life. Facing all of that is one of the hardest things of my life. My next gut reaction is to do whatever is in my power to bring peace...to do NOTHING or say anything that would add to it.

    I still struggle but in facing it, I have found my voice and I've also found that in certain situations God is telling me to run or walk away. I have sought out courage over this past year to add to my resolve to not spend my life hiding under the bed or in a closet...courage to keep taking the power away of those things that I have feared.

    In your journey to face things, figure things out and to find your voice, please remember to be gentle with yourself. Jesus is gentle and wants us to be the same...yes to others but to ourselves as well. Those times when it's just too much, can you picture just being held in safe, strong and loving arms? That is what I did as I learned to face my giants and monsters. I would stand there and picture Jesus standing right next to me...I wasn't alone. Somehow this visual helped me face whatever it is I was trying to face.

    I hope you don't stop facing all these things because it is hard. It is not easy facing giants and monsters. Sometimes, in my journey I would grow weary and tired, and then think I just can't do this. But then I would look to wise people to help me get over that hump. Which of course was a whole new thing for me, to ask for help. I just learned I had to learn to be wise in who I listened to.

    The thing is some people are uncomfortable with us talking about what happened and figuring it all out and they will tell us to not face these giants...instead they give us messages to "just let it go" which can be another way of saying stuff it. Now don't get me wrong I am not against letting it go because once we face these things, we must at some point let it go. But, if we truly want to be free and stop living in fear or stop carrying old baggage around with us, we must face them and take their power away.

    I wish I could give you a hug right this minute. I wish we could sit down with a good cup of coffee or tea and just talk. I would love to be that listening ear for you any time you need to talk. So often, in our talking, we hear ourselves and it's then that we figure things out. So, if you ever just want to talk, I am here to listen.

    (((((Just be real)))))) I am hugging you from afar. Love, peace and courage to you my dear friend, Lori

  6. THIS IS REAL CHANGE JBR and I am so happy for you. You deserve to be in a place of WORTH because you are so valuable and I am glad you are expecting others to treat you in a manner that reflects your value and theirs. I can relate to the difficulty of "standing up for yourself" after having stuffed that response away and not understanding it is necessary. Also, not being taught how to respond in a healthy manner, boy oh boy does that really confuse things. I am so glad you are doing this! I am thankful you are at this place of knowing you deserve respect and now placing others around you to do so as well. I personally have found the more I love myself and respect myself the less tolerant I am of others when they cross this tender boundary.

    As always...I am hoping for you dear friend.

  7. I am thanking GOD that you are one step closer to being completely free from the fears of your past.
    Blessings and prayers, andrea

  8. Courage doesnt elimate fear in a situation but delays it till a situation had been solved. Afterwards you may a tiny bit leas fear and pain. Courage means there is something more important then fear/pain in this given moment. You face it everyday, no one expects more of you. Hugs

  9. Confrontation is really hard for me, too. I have avoided anger - mine and that of others - all my life. It didn't feel safe for anyone to be angry. Anger hurt too much.

    As I said in a recent post, IT'S JUST ANGER! It isn't anything real. It's just an emotion and if we let it, it goes away.

  10. JBR ~ You are one of the bravest people I know.

  11. I think it takes great courage to face our demons. Your story resonates with so many of us and what we experienced in our past.

    I honor you with love and lift you up for sharing your emotions and feelings.

    Remember you are worthy and your are loved. Say that to yourself when you are struggling. Look in the mirror every morning and know that God loves you the most at that very moment just as you are.

    Peace and Love to you and yours.

  12. Praying you grow in strength in facing these fears.

  13. One step and day at time. I love how you started your post off by saying God has you in an uncomfortable place. Our walk w/ Him was never promised to be easy and it's during those uncomfortable times where we lean harder on Him. Keep leaning on and trusting in Him.

  14. Sending you hugs today! Your journey of self discovery, with God's grace and help, is very inspiring- I always learn something from reading you!!

  15. I think so many of us hate confrontation--for the very reasons you cite. I know that I do. And at the same time I know that standing up for myself matters. I've been having the...opportunity to practice this myself over the past couple of weeks. (((hugs)))

  16. Confrontation is never pleasant, but it is manageable with time, experience, and God's peace in your heart. That latter is very important. It sounds like you really are on the way to being able to deal with it -- and not look back afterward. Just going on to the next thing. Confrontation over. Tomorrow becomes today, and life goes forward, not backward. I think that is the easiest way to manage the emotions associated with confrontation. That, and prayer. Prayers and hugs...

  17. Praying that you continue to run to Him, not away from Him.

  18. It's much easier (and comforting) to run to that nearest corner and hide. To plug our ears and tell ourselves that if we just ignore it long enough, it'll go away and we won't have to face any confrontation. I LOATHE confrontation. But I'm learning that it a necessary part of growing. Of becoming me.........of my voice being heard. That doesn't make me comfortable with it at all. I doubt I'll ever be. I am the type of person that wants to praise others and tell them good things. Maybe that's because of all the negative emotions I've received from others throughout my life. I'm thinking of you my sweet sister....