FIRST TIME I TOLD ABOUT MY PARENTS

A memory surfaced.

Before my parents actually divorced I remember a time, I was sitting with my then first boyfriend, Phillip, who was my next door neighbor also who was my age in front of his house resting as we were playing basketball. We shared a lot of things. Played sports, rode bikes, same school, went to the stores, swam in his pool, did paper routes together, played games, collected Matchbox cars, got into mischief, viewed porno mags together and shared our first kiss. Phillip was the first and only boy I went steady with for two whole days. Until his older sister, who apparently did not like me took his I.D. bracelet he gave me to wear back from me. I was crushed! I cherished that thing! :)

Phillip and his family moved next door to us when he and I were 7. The time line I will put myself for this particular incident is at 10-11 years old.

Was a Saturday we were sitting in front of his house resting after playing some basketball. I remember saying to him as best as I understood as my mother and father were pulling up in our driveway, "they are coming back from the doctors who is trying to help them not divorce." Did I even know what divorce meant? Probably not. It was our family doctor an MD. I have no clue if she was a licensed therapist also. I just knew she was my doctor. But, the tragic thing, a few years later she committed suicide.

I was quite aware of what was going on within the confines of my home. But, I believe this was the first time and only time I can recall telling someone about what was going on. I know I did not go into detail, but I do recall saying what I stated above. I cannot remember my boyfriends reaction, if at all. We probably just went on playing basketball. Both of us probably did not understand the ramifications of what was going on. I just knew it bothered me and I told someone. I do not even remember talking this over with any of my brothers.

Even when the days that were leading up to my mum and I moving away up to New York after she remarried and sprung that "surprise" on me after turning 12, I cannot recall talking much about my pain to any of my friends. I do remember Philip saying to me that he would miss me and that he was sad that he would not have anyone to play with anymore. I remember my dad telling me the first summer before I came down for one of the rare visits to see my father, that Phillip came a couple of times knocking on his door (my dad remained in the house I grew up in until he sold it a couple years later, which also devastated me) asking if he would play catch with him that he missed me.

Through it all, I did not know how to handle the turmoil except to stuff. I was probably so devastated and had NOOOOOOOOOO clue to the emotional screwed up pain I would have to face in the years to come, and how much their breakup had affected me!