"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


A memory surfaced.

Before my parents actually divorced I remember a time, I was sitting with my then first boyfriend, Phillip, who was my next door neighbor also who was my age in front of his house resting as we were playing basketball. We shared a lot of things. Played sports, rode bikes, same school, went to the stores, swam in his pool, did paper routes together, played games, collected Matchbox cars, got into mischief, viewed porno mags together and shared our first kiss. Phillip was the first and only boy I went steady with for two whole days. Until his older sister, who apparently did not like me took his I.D. bracelet he gave me to wear back from me. I was crushed! I cherished that thing! :)

Phillip and his family moved next door to us when he and I were 7. The time line I will put myself for this particular incident is at 10-11 years old.

Was a Saturday we were sitting in front of his house resting after playing some basketball. I remember saying to him as best as I understood as my mother and father were pulling up in our driveway, "they are coming back from the doctors who is trying to help them not divorce." Did I even know what divorce meant? Probably not. It was our family doctor an MD. I have no clue if she was a licensed therapist also. I just knew she was my doctor. But, the tragic thing, a few years later she committed suicide.

I was quite aware of what was going on within the confines of my home. But, I believe this was the first time and only time I can recall telling someone about what was going on. I know I did not go into detail, but I do recall saying what I stated above. I cannot remember my boyfriends reaction, if at all. We probably just went on playing basketball. Both of us probably did not understand the ramifications of what was going on. I just knew it bothered me and I told someone. I do not even remember talking this over with any of my brothers.

Even when the days that were leading up to my mum and I moving away up to New York after she remarried and sprung that "surprise" on me after turning 12, I cannot recall talking much about my pain to any of my friends. I do remember Philip saying to me that he would miss me and that he was sad that he would not have anyone to play with anymore. I remember my dad telling me the first summer before I came down for one of the rare visits to see my father, that Phillip came a couple of times knocking on his door (my dad remained in the house I grew up in until he sold it a couple years later, which also devastated me) asking if he would play catch with him that he missed me.

Through it all, I did not know how to handle the turmoil except to stuff. I was probably so devastated and had NOOOOOOOOOO clue to the emotional screwed up pain I would have to face in the years to come, and how much their breakup had affected me!


  1. I think you are so brave, love you.

  2. JBR,

    I love you so much despite all this pain that you have been sharing a small piece at a time. You are still going through the healing process and in time all this will pass. Praying for you my friend!

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

  3. I know all about "the stuffing process"....I was queen of stuffing my feelings inside. Once they broke lose...it was like a rushing river...bits and chunks of debris whirling around in it.
    Hugs, andrea

  4. Even though you were too young to really know what was happening, you were making an attempt to get some of the pain and confusion 'out of you'.

    Today you are doing it in earnest and have tools to make to help you. God blesses your endeavors.


  5. Praying for you as you continue to heal and grow.

  6. Hi JBR
    It is so sad to see the effects that broken marriages have on children. And stuffing the reaction under the carpet is normal, I mean, how can a child possibly know how to react to the destruction of their world?
    God bless as you continue with your healing journey...

  7. That is an important retelling for you.


  8. Trust God with this new memory that it will serve its purpose in your healing. God Bless.

  9. (((YOU))). Thanks for being real and living up to your blog name!


  10. Very well put. I'd have simila situaton also. My parent s divorced when I was young. effected me somethng aful. Thanks fo rsharing. Kimmy

  11. I understand completely. It's hard to confide in someone at that age when you don't completely understand what is going on. It's not until you are old enough to understand the ramifications of how other people's decisions affected you. That's when it gets even harder. :( (((JBR))) Thanks for the comments this week. They were so heartfelt :)

  12. It sounds like you have been through a lot of heartache. It's like I am reading a novel. I think you can write a book.

  13. And now you help others (and yourself?) by sharing these events, one by one, here and maybe elsewhere. It lets other peeps know they are not alone....

    (By the way, your sharing is So well-written!)

  14. Just wanted to let you know that I am here reading your posts. I admire you for being able to go back and process what was happening in your life. This is God's way of revealing Himself and all the elements of healing to you. I know so much of what I became as an adult was the result of how I felt as a child. I guess that's the way with most of us, we just don't recognize it. As God begins to heal and sanctify us, He takes that little child and walks us through all the hurt and pain we went through. It isn't easy, but it's so necessary.

  15. so young, and the defence mechanisms are already in place... i'm glad you're learning new and healthy one's.

  16. stuck-in-the-middleFebruary 25, 2010

    Good post JBR. The innocence of youth can be destroyed in a second. Hang in there.

  17. totally feel and understand what you said.
    Hope one day there's no one and nothing to remind you of the past. Though we will have flash backs, unfortunately.
    Be well

  18. It breaks my heart when I read of how your sweet little heart was wounded. It broke Jesus' heart when it happened, and it breaks his heart to see the long-reaching effects it had/has on you. He is working, and will continue till you are healed. He loves you so!


  19. How difficult an age that is to fully understand what was really happening between your parents.

    All memories, happy and painful, are so needed on our road to healing!

    Blessings, sweet ((((JBR))))

  20. And yet again, the two of us are battling the same issues. Funny how we usually face the same synopsis in our recovery. Hang in there sweet one!

  21. JBR, I'm here listening.

    Be well,