In my journey I look so forward to being comforted by Jesus when I am grieving. With Him He lets me freely cry and show the rough side of my pain. He understands my pain. Some people do not understand emotional pain and feel uncomfortable around it. I still struggle, but getting better with showing my emotions around people. But, I was so like this, extremely and I mean extremely uncomfortable around emotional pain. I literally ran away from pain. When I saw others hurting, I could not handle their pain. I did not know how to respond except to run. I avoided it at all costs. Even my own pain!!
I hid! I hid most of my life. Not just out of shame, but out of fear. I hid in closets, hampers (both where my brother found me) behind doors, walls, under furniture, in bushes, up trees, behind my peers at school in class, etc. I did not want to be found. In my hiding I heard and experienced some painful emotions that I did not like. Hearing my parents yell and scream that led up to their divorce. Hearing telephone conversations between my mother and father where my father did not want me to come down for visits after the divorce. Hiding when I knew I did something wrong. In my hiding I can recall breathing heavy out of fear in hope that I was not too loud to give my position away. I certainly remember hiding from my brother when he wanted to get his sexual gratification way with me. Hiding from boys when they became too aggressive which spilled over later unto men. I had associated hiding with pain.
I can recall when I was around 10 or so, being the only one seeing my grandmother fall one day and could not get up. I ran. I ran and did not tell anyone. I hid. I was so very scared and fearful. Fortunately, my father quickly found her. I then remember being confronted both by my father and grandmother who were very angry as to why I did not help her. I denied ever seeing her fall. To this day, I feel so ashamed that I ran and lied. But, I am so glad now, that I do not run anymore. I may still feel a bit uncomfortable, but I do not run. Once I understood my own pain and knowing God is there with me in the midst of it, there was no more fear in running away but only to face. Facing my pain and not running away is all about the journey to freedom.
There is no more beautiful freedom than being able to come out into the light and not have to hide anymore. Such joy.
ReplyDeletePG
Havent been around much . Hope your doing well. Keep the faith.
ReplyDeleteWonderful Post, JBR. really well-written, and you have found a way to put into words the what of this behavior. I am looking forward to continuing to find the whys in my own journey and story. Thanks for living up to your name and being real! (((YOU)))
ReplyDeleteang
oh, and i don't want my comment to sound like I was implying you weren't looking for the whys in your journey! not at all! that's something I always respect about your posts. I hope that wasn't worded wrong! Anyway, have a blessed week.
ReplyDeleteang
Insightful post JBR. They usually are. You know now when something is hard to call on God. Allow Him to help. You know now you're never alone. It doesn't matter where you're or what you are doing, He;s with you. He's always present.
ReplyDeleteContinue to have him carry you through the hard times, and let Him carry you through the good times as well. God Bless.
Man, I know the feeling of wanting to run from any feeling. Life was lived in a daze of numbness for our own safety, so when something scary or emotional came up, of course we ran! So proud of you for stopping and acknowledging the reasons for your running, and in the face of them... staying put. (((JBR)))
ReplyDeletePG, thank you for your kind words. I look forward one day to the fullness of joy that He offers.
ReplyDeletehethatsows, glad to see you and thank you for your comment.
ang, your comments mean a whole lot to me. Not to worry. Thank you for your concern. You too have a blessed week.
Onthewaynow, yes God is right there with me! If it was not for Him, I do not know where I would be.....yeah, I do. ;) Thanks for sharing.
Lily, thank you for your comment of understanding. Your hug is appreciate also dear.
Praying for you daily.
ReplyDeletefeeling the need NOT to hide and wanting to walk in the sunshine of our lord is a fantanstic.Hugs and God's Love and Blessings my Friend.
ReplyDeleteDenise, cannot tell you how much your prayers mean to me. Thank you!!
ReplyDeleteMike, thank you for that statement. Hugs back to you dear one.
JBR, I'm sorry those terrible things happened to you in your childhood. Really, I am.
ReplyDeleteConfronting and feeling pain can be an incredibly difficult and taxing task-- it speaks to your strength that you are able to do it!
Wishing you well,
NOS
I hid too. Now I don't have to hide. What an awesome freedom I found in my Higher Power.
ReplyDeleteI can really relate to hiding and the continuous fear as well. Reading this helps me not feel so alone in my stuff and it gives me hope that things can change. Thank you for your courage.
ReplyDeleteRunning only makes matter worse. Forget the pain of yesterday, learn of today and apply for tommorrow.
ReplyDeleteYou are, or you have turned a corner in this painful process of running from your pain. Thanks be to God for His Healing in this area. I feel so many of the characteristcs you have felt; the numbness, and especially the fear of allowing myself to feel my own pain. I've always been pretty good at being there for other's in their pain, but it's time to face my pain and ride it out as you spoke before. Ride it out with God there by my side, and I know He is sitting right beside you in this journey.
ReplyDeleteTrusting in the almighty the way the truth. Hang on to hid words. Fight that good fight. Win those battles with him. Be a warrior in Christ. He will holld you up.
ReplyDeleteLove your blog. Inspired me.
God Warrior
OhJBR, hugs go out to you. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteDearest JBR,
ReplyDeleteThis post is so amazing. So insightful. How you describe the hiding from pain and painful situatoins. I once heard a wise person say that when parents fight in front of their children it changes who they are. I thought that was a profound and very powerful statement.
After reading your post, I know it is absolutely true. It makes children afraid and they begin to hide.
I am so grateful to Papa God for helping you "come out of hiding".
My heart was breaking and sad as I read about the pain you experienced and the ways you had to hide to survive.
This post will give so many others the courage to come out hiding. Thank you for sharing.
((((JBR))))
Blessings,
Tammy
What a powerful post sweetie. Blessings back to you.
ReplyDeleteJBR, I 'm so sorry those horrrible things had happened in your tender years.
ReplyDeleteWishing you all the ver best.!!
Betty xx
Blessings!
You have such a strong faith and it carries you through. For me, acknowledge my feelings, whatever it is, is very therapeutic. I'm glad you're not hiding anymore.
ReplyDeleteMumsy, thank you for sharing. Glad you are able to acknowledge your own feelings.
ReplyDeleteBetty, appreciate your concern thank you dear one.
DeeDee, thanks for your continued visits and encouragement.
Tammy, I too am glad I am able to face my problems more bodly. Many times it is still very hard not to hide, but yes our Papa God is helping. Thank you for your continued encouragement.
stuck, I always look forward to your short but meaningful comments, thank you.
God Warrior, thank you for your visit. Glad you enjoy my blog. Blessings.
Janie, your continued support and insight is welcomed. Thank you for taking the time to visit daily.
lostinamaze, I am so very sorry that you too could relate to this post. Glad the words here have given you hope. Thank you for sharing.
EO, glad you were able to conqure your hiding and are set free. I look forward to that day too be set totally free, or as best as I am able.
NOS, what encouraging words, thank you very much for sharing often your insights as well.
You are doing well, JBR.
ReplyDeleteI'm happy for you!
May today bring you much joy!
Margie :)
You're words ring truth. How you're ever to relive those painful memories with God's help is mind blowing. It can only be God to walk you through those painful encounters. Be strong. You do encouage many here.
ReplyDeleteI can certainly relate to running and hiding. There are many ways to run and many ways to hide. I'm glad to have stopped running, too.
ReplyDeleteAlso, for a long time I couldn't be comfortable with people in distress. If I could make them feel better, then I'd feel OK. I'm getting better at that.
My heart goes out to that little girl, and the woman she became. Hugs to you. Thanks for sharing it all with us.
I know the place of hiding. It's been part of my life too. You are not alone. And praise God He offers us HIS hiding place!
ReplyDeleteBless your heart. Your courage is exemplary. I am going to keep praying for you to heal faster and better.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this...thanks for sharing. :)
ReplyDelete