"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Saturday, February 13, 2010


Thank you all for your sincere comments and prayers!

Since learning on Thursday in t. that what my mother did to me while growing up in the way of disciplining by slapping me in the face is considered physical abuse, I am beginning to see things differently now. Gives me a different perspective on why did my mother do this?

Also surfacing was a memory when I was around the age of 8-9 where I slapped a girlfriend of mine in the face then begging her not to tell her parents. I remember that incident like it was yesterday. Where we were standing in the doorway of my bedroom which way I was facing and then actually seeing me hit her. I do not recall what I was angry about. I do know this happened more than once though. Also, I knew enough that what I did was wrong. Nevertheless, I felt this was normal. I realize now that I was mimicking what my mother was doing to me when she became angry. I can also recall as old as being 14 and my mother slapping me in front of a girlfriend at the time for talking back to her. To this day, that one still stings.

She would hit. We never discussed the problem or what I was being punished for. It was always bursts of hitting from her. Vaguely remembering now warding off some of her blows. Makes sense to me now. As it is difficult for me to confront and discuss things with people when I am upset. I just fume.

I took yesterday off from work (something I would not normally do, as I am a fighter, but I am learning now to take care of myself), mainly I slept. My mind and body are tired.

When I was awake, I did many "mind-walks" as I call them. Always helps with the processing. Welcoming the presence of the Holy Spirit!

Seeing more and more of what I became is because of the direct result of my upbringing. Does not make things any easier. Found myself deeply crying as I process because of what was taken from me, "my life," "my self." I am still somewhat in the grieving stage and feel so very alone. Which brings me to the next step.....

Specifically asking God now to connect the dots with my 'head to my heart.' Once that happens, then I believe I can move on to the next level of putting the blame on the right people. Becoming actually angry at the right individuals and eventually being able to forgive. Right now.....this is not happening. I am not ready for this next move as of yet. There must be something more the Lord must reveal to me at this level I am at presently before moving on.


  1. Praying for the healing of Jehovah rapha over you & the peace of Jehovah shalom...
    Much love,

  2. Very happy for the self care you mustered. I do not think you are less of an fighter because you took care of yourself. Rather the other way around - we have to learn self care that is part of our fighting to become ourselves. Honey, give yourself time. That is a very deep rooted topic which surfaced there. Thinking of you.

  3. I am thankful you are learning to take care of yourself.
    Hugs, andrea

  4. Paula, thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement.

    Andrea, thank you and thanks for the hugs.

  5. You wrote, "I can also recall as old as being 14 and my mother slapping me in front of a girlfriend at the time for talking back to her. To this day, that one still stings."

    Shame and guilt. Bad enough the slaps, but to have to endure the shame in front of a peer - at that age - too much for a young and vulnerable 14 year old.

    I know God is firmly yet gently in charge of all the revelations you are having. They are happening in God's perfect time. You are doing your part, being willing, AND taking care of yourself. Yeah God! Yeah JBR.


  6. Well said Pray Girl. Thank you dear!

  7. Thank you for sharing such a difficult part of your young life. I am sorry that you went through this abuse and lift you up to our heavenly Father for a complete healing and release from this pain.

  8. Pam, appreciate your words and prayer, thank you for commenting dear.

  9. HI-

    the journey you are on is life-giving. restoring you to balance and complete self love. It takes time though and each moment of awareness and surrender brings you closer to wholeness. MAy I add that forgiveness is a ways away, and after forgiveness comes the "gift". And by that I mean you are able to embrace your truth and love all of yourself. I came to know and understand the truer meaning of Eucharist along my healing journey. I now believe it means to be "broken and poured out", like Jesus said. All we each have is our own truth to give to one another - and we cannot do that until we embrace, honor and surrender unto ourselves - as you are doing now. The only reasons I can even write to you like this is because I am sharing my truth as I have come to embrace it. And in a way, I am turning tragedy into triumph. I am now able to take the very truth that horrified me, hurt me and from which I ran for a long time and now share it with you to offer hope. That I know is what is means to be "Eucharistic".

    Love to you

  10. Praying for your restoration so you move forward in the plans God has for YOU! HUGS!!!!

  11. Glad you took time for yourself and saw the need to do so to reflect. Keep strong in the Lord. He'll guide you to your next step.

  12. Gail, thank you again for your visit. Your words and your pouring out of truth has touched me. Appreciate your words and insight.

    Rose, your prayers and hugs are so welcomed, thank you.

    Anonymous, will be waiting for the next move.

  13. (((((Just be real)))) I am thankful I was able to stop by and read your words this morning. I am glad you are taking care of yourself. I am doing the same for myself right now...or at least trying to. Your words encourage me. Thank you. XX Lori

  14. I'm so thankful our God is bigger than our pasts. His redemptive love, His mercy and grace, renew us and transform us slowly into people who can be a blessing to others. Hang in there, JBR.

  15. EO, thank you for those words of our God and how He transforms us to be a blessing.

    Lori, thanks for the hug. Glad this post has helped you as well in your journey.

  16. Just Be Real, I'm glad you are taking care of yourself-- you don't have to be a fighter all of the time (that's a lot of pressure!). Also, I hope you know that you are more than your upbringing. What happened to you doesn't define who you are, although it may contribute. Once again, I'm really sorry you had to go through what you went through. But I believe you will come out of this struggle in a better space.

    Wishing you well,

  17. Huggggggggs I glad your sharing your story,

  18. i know people who have never hot their kids ever, and some who are big time hitters. It's about 2 no hits vs 1 hitter.

  19. When one forgives they give themselves the gift of freedom....it is not about the other person it is about you. Revenge is like a hot coal you carry to throw at the person who hurt you....but you are the one who gets burnt. You have given them so much of you why give them more....you deserve better so take better.
    You had mention you had hit your mother back, I know JBR if I ever hit either of my parents my head would still be rolling around somewhere.
    Take your power back, don't be a victim any more sweetie, become a surviver. Don't give them so much time and attention....to me it will manifest more bad feelings....go for the good.
    Hope your weekend goes well.....:-) Hugs

  20. Praying for total healing for you.

  21. As you can tell I'm just spending these wee hours of my morning reading your blogs. I do not want to sound repetitious, but I as well suffered many blows from my father in my childhood...for no apparent reason/my b.f. (for over 45 yrs.) sitting in the backseat of our station wagon and as we were just chatting my dad stopping the car and slapping me in the face, or me sitting in elementary school at the lunch table, again talking very softly with a friend and my dad coming from behind me and grabbing the skin on my arm and twisting it...for no reason. He was the principal of my school I attended. YIKES! Today he has been diagnosed as being bi-polar but refuses to take his meds, which is very typical of this mental disorder, and acts very cruelly to my mother who is ill physically. Boy oh Boy, I hate to go on like this and vomit my stuff on you, but how I can relate! I believe I have forgiven my father, but I haven't forgotten. I can short phone calls with him and show him honor and speak lovingly to him, but I can't be around him. Luckily I'm living in MN. now and my sisters and parents are in Atlanta. In closing, I am praying for your healing and please if God brings me to your mind, pray for me also. Thanks again for just being real...Janie