"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

PHYSICALLY ABUSED


This is a hard post for me to write.

In t. today it was discovered that my mother physically abused me growing up. Only reason this came about after a year or so of t. was I nonchalantly said to my t. as we were discussing my anger issues that, "yeah, my mother used to slap me when she got angry at me for something. On occasion I would hit her back and she would hit even harder." If you could have seen the look on my t. face and her questioning me why was I giggling after making that statement, you would be astounded too.

To me, I saw nothing wrong with my mother hitting/slapping me while verbally abusing me as well. I felt she had the right to because she was my mother. And it just dawned on me as I type this. . . she always uses the phrase with me, even to this day, "....because I am your mother" when she is throwing guilt my way or wants me to do something. So back then I took it as, "because you are my mother, you can hit me and it is okay. You can verbally abuse me because you are my mother and it is okay."

You, my bloggy friends, shared stories of your own personal encounters with individuals who physically abused you, and I saw "hey they should not do that. That is wrong." But, with my own personal experiences, I thought this was normal and acceptable. And that is exactly what I said to my t. why I never brought it up until today and the same with my mother still bathing me at 13, I thought this was normal. Apparently it was not!

This new revelation has floored me. Hard to grasp! Came out of left field. Hit me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of my sails! So, I cannot tell you how this new "twist" to my recovery now affects me. I have no emotion on discovering this as of yet. Processing being physically abused will take a while. It is safe to say now, though sadly, I can add physical abuse to my list of abuses while growing up.

50 comments:

  1. I am so sorry to hear this. ((HUGS))

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  2. It was a sad day when I was able to embrace I had been physically abused. Hard stuff. Be gentle with yourself over the next few days as you process this. hugs. ang

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  3. We are taught that abuse is OKAY when we live in unhealthy homes. I know...I experienced the same type abuse's. I am sorry you suffered physical abuse, but I am thankful it was revealed. Now you can deal with it and move beyond it.
    Hugs, andrea

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  4. For those of us that suffer from past abuse its easy to rationalize that unacceptable behavior as normal. We just have to make we leap into our unknown. We have to make sure that we don't pass the unbelievable on to the next generation. Good post.

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  5. I firmly believe, as a therapist, nothing is "accidentally" said in therapy. You were ready to own your truth, Sister. Now that's PROGRESS and something to be proud of.

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  6. Learning to cope with physical abuse from a parent/sibling is not just admitting the abuse. It is also saying that your mother was not the perfect mother. It is admitting that your mother intentionally hurt you. It is admitting to the world that the facade you mother built up for everyone to see is fake. It is tearing down the image of what you have always thot your mother to be. It is so difficult - I am still working on it myself... My very best to you and know that I will think of you often in the next days and hoping you are not struggling.

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  7. I'm sorry to hear that this terrible thing happened to you. But maybe by uncovering the trauma you will be able to heal. That's what I like to believe, anyway. I hope that you'll continue to look for support from your readers as you cope with this. I'm (we are) here to support you.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  8. Hi-

    Oh my, that awareness, truth, is very hard to embrace. I will pray for you that you are able to absorb this harsh reality as part of the tapestry of your design -for it is. I know all too well those squares I wished away - the very same ones I now honor as part of me - it is a journey to complete self-love and you are on your way. I understand.

    Love to you
    Gail
    peace......

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  9. Asking God to allow you to heal from this news. I love you my friend.

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  10. I agree with nearly a ll said here already. You were ready to own the truth and were ready to give the responsibility for this abuse to the person where it belongs to.
    That is HUGE progress. The hardest step is done. Please be gentle and kind with you. Be proud of your progress. Love

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  11. Im sorry for your discovery but glad @ the same time as you can heal from this part of your past.

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  12. What a difficult thing to realise. Thinking of you JBR. xx

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  13. As a child we may not know the wrong. Most of us only realize it when we are older, that some things were not acceptable or right. Neglect is a good example that commonly occurs. Learning of it is good therapy becos it lies in the subconscious nagging us. But try to heal it we must, it is easier if we can forgive.

    BM

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  14. As painful and difficult as this new awareness may be, it can open a door to freedom for you. Leave the developments that will surely come from this to God and all will turn out well.

    God bless you and your continuing progress in recovery.

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  15. (((JBR))) I am so sorry that you are having to take on new pains. I am praying for your freedom.

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  16. So sorry to know this!
    Be strong and move ahead in your life with courage!
    You can do it!
    I know you can!

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  17. My heart and prayers are with you. There are no words adequate for times like these.

    Keep breathing. Keep taking one step at a time.

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  18. Every time we think we know all that went on, something else comes out and we are surprised all over again. You are not alone on this roller coaster ride. Hugs.

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  19. Painful as this was, I'm glad that you discovered that through your t. and that you found out it was not normal. Praying for your healing JBR.

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  20. and as you discover them, you overcome them.

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  21. Sorry JBR for wht you learned. May you be comforted in the days ahead.

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  22. You are worthy of love and abundance and what you received from your mother was NOT love and abundance. I am so sorry. "You are fearfully AND WONDERFULLY MADE"..Psalm 139...

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  23. Sometimes the surprises in life can really throw us. I'm sure you weren't expecting this. Maybe the harm wasn't to be intentionally inflicted, and in the majority of situations physical abuse is the unintentional end result of harsh disciplinary methods or corporal punishment that have escalated to point of physical injury or the risk of physical injury. But, emotional pain can stem from it.

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  24. I am curious, dear one. Did you ever compare notes with your friends in school as to how their parents treated them? Reading this post, I thought of my new grandson and his formula that stinks to high heaven but he guzzles it down. The moral of the story is that if you've never known any different, you have nothing to compare it with, thus is "seems normal". Are you in contact with your parents. Sorry to be so personal. Do you have siblings?

    I grew up when parents gave their children spankings, and if it was a particularly bad misbehavior, my dad gave me several lashes with the belt across my behind. It hurt at the time, and made me angry, but I turned out pretty well-rounded, knew right from wrong, yada yada.

    It is a fine line between punishment and abuse. Can you remember: "I am here and I am safe now. That part of my life is over and I refuse to give it any more attention than I can help." Not to say it is not a very difficult thing, but I guess you feel the need to work through it with t., and I have done the same off and on for years. Don't know where I'd be without my t.

    There has to come a time when you release YOURSELF, and YOU have the POWER to do it. Believe it, because I do, and I know it. Take control. Refuse to allow these horrific times from the past to control your life.

    Love you bunches, JBR!
    Abbey

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  25. I am so sorry to hear this JBR, when I was a child I would get spankings (which I deserved) but never physical abuse....I hope you will be able to forgive your mother, (who was probably abused as well) not for her but for you so that you can move forward. In my mind hitting is never appropiate and is never the answer. Be well my friend......:-) Hugs

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  26. Depressing isn't it. Surfing blogs and fell upon yours. Sorry for what happened to you. I've had my share of pain so I know. Hang in there. It can get better. Tammy

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  27. JBR, very sorry! This must have shocked you. God feels pain and he feels yours and cares. Hard as it may be to understand he takes advantage of the situation to make the best of it.

    When sorrow has you, he knows what is going on. He can even relate to it. JBR I know you know God and you should be glad to be with God, for he knows your suffering, and he knows how to make it right.
    You may see no escape from your suffering presently, but God is there. He understands, and you can talk to him about it, knowing he can relate. Pray to God, go under his wing. God Bless.

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  28. stuck-in-the-middleFebruary 12, 2010

    Hang in there JBR! I'm very hurt of your new discovery.

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  29. I didn't know that your mother still bathed you at age 13. That is meaningful. The hitting thing is the most common abuse i know of, it's crossing the line on discipline. Little kids get slapped, but at some age that type of ounishment has to get stopped.

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  30. JBR, passing by to show some love and give you a safe hug. Thinking of you.

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  31. JBR,
    As God reveals to you why your struggles are as they are - ask Him to reveal to you the hearts of those who abused you.
    Many (MANY) years after the fact, God revealed to me that I harbored bitterness toward my mother. I fought with Him on this one. I loved my mother - aren't we all supposed to love our mothers? Life for me as her little girl was just 'normal'. But God revealed to me that 'normal' wasn't so normal and because of those slaps, the cursing, the pulling my hair and shoving me, the anger, the rage, the groundings and the belittling and berating - I HAD held bitterness in my heart toward her. And it affected EVERYTHING I did in life.
    I didn't know what to do with that. But as God asked me to forgive her - really forgive my mom - I didn't know how. He then revealed to me her heart.
    I realized that as a little girl she was abused by her mom and her dad. She was insecure, fighting to keep her marriage together, not at all experienced at being a 'mom', struggling with health issues, needing someone somewhere to support and help her - and she took it all out on 'me'.
    When I saw her heart - this little, abused girl-turned-mother, I knew that it was nothing "I" had done to deserve that treatment, and not as an excuse, but that she was a product of her upbringing. I told God I forgave her - completely. I asked Him to help me not to hold anything against her anymore - but to 'free' us both.
    I wrote my Mom a lengthy letter telling her that I loved her and that now, as an adult, I saw how difficult it was for her to try to raise us without help. I reminded her of the times we had fun together and the moments that I loved being her daughter. I told her that I wanted a relationship with her as an adult and that I was proud to be her daughter. I mailed it in a card.
    She called me the afternoon she got the letter. She was sobbing! She told me that she has worried all these years about those beatings and the way she'd verbally assaulted me. She said she used to cry when she'd tuck her little girl into bed at night and see the raw wounds and welts on my legs and bottom from her 'switching' me. She asked me to forgive her. I assured her that I already had.
    From that day forward my friend - 'true healing' came into my heart and the heart of my Mom. Today she's in her late 70's and we're very close.
    God is doing a 'freeing' work in you too. Praying for you.
    Hugs,
    Deb

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  32. Got sumpin' for you at my blog!

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  33. Writing it out is a way to acknowledge what happened, and give your thoughts and feelings validation..

    I had been quiet for all my life about this issue, and just began my journey into the written words..Thanks for stopping by!

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  34. May this side of the pain ease as you heal. God is with you. As I type this entry for you the Revelation song started playing. Perfect healing song for you. Take it.

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  35. In my experience, we understand things as we are ready, and strong enough. Hugs and prayers for you, my friend.

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  36. Sweetie I'm sorry for this latest turn of events for you. You've alot of support here and God being the #1! Hold onto him. Just hold on!!!

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  39. JBR, so sorry you were not treasured and protected by the people around you growing up. Every child needs to be treated as the blessing from God they are. Know that you are not the cause of your parents' disfunction, and continue to seek out your happiness!

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  40. ((((JBR))))) In your corner....know that....stay strong. Sarah

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  41. I am so sorry to hear this, but I want to believe that you are feeling somewhat "free" now from that "burden" in your heart. Yeah, as they say, it is some kind of therapy. May God continue to deal in your heart.

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  42. May the peace of God guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. Praying this too will pass for you.

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  43. Lifting you up with love and prayers. I am sorry you were hurt so deeply by someone that was suppose to cherish and love you.

    Go forth and heal.

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  44. Stay strong, keep faith. Praying for you.

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  45. Thank you to everyone for your encouragement and understanding!!!

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  46. I think when we grow up in this type of abusive environment it does feel "normal" for us, it's all we know. AND THEN, we become adults. Perhaps we are ready, as you seem to be, to process all of this hurt and pain and release it to God, which you are doing a wonderful job! I try to envision my Heavenly Father just holding me in His arms, because that never happened with my earthly father, and just allowing me to stay there with His Holy Comfort and Love. My journey now is to stop the pattern of being attracted to sociopolitical relationships...my t. and I, with God at the wheel, are working on that one, and I get a good web sight that is very helpful to me. I LOVE YOUR REALNESS AND YOUR HONESTY! Janie

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  47. I had a very unhappy mother who effected me terribly my whole life, until she disowned me 'again' four years ago. It was probably the best thing that ever happened. Since then I have finally started healing, recovering and even able to help other people who have experienced those awefull childhoods. So very sorry you had these experiences my friend! But so incredibly Proud of you for the 'real' and honest post you write so that you can help others, like me. Thank you!!
    BIG HUGH HUG!!! ~ Coreen

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  48. I am glad your therapist was able to get that detail out. The Mother venting her anger on you is NOT okay. I'd say she needs therapy too.

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  49. i feel the same way too.

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