I still find myself grieving.
I gather there is no timetable to this?
I never grieved when my brother sexually abused me. I never grieved when my family was falling apart and my parents divorced. I never grieved when my father neglected me. I never grieved when my father passed. I never grieved that my mother re-married a stranger that I was told to like. I never grieved for many deep hurts in my life.
Very slowly now, my mind and my heart are being opened to the pain that I should have grieved back then.
I find it still difficult to cry in front of people because of shame. Even at the beginning of my journey, I was very ashamed to even cry alone and in front of God. I felt God was displeased with my pain and weakness. If I felt myself ready to cry I would suck-it-up. Now, I cannot stop the flood gates from opening and pouring out.
In Matthew 5:4 Jesus states that, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." It is like a blessings from Jesus to everyone who is courageous enough to grieve. God sees grieving as a positive thing. An opportunity for Him to comfort us.
Understanding in my terms, what comfort means to me, is I can weep so very deeply and even rage/lash out in front of God without fear of retribution. All the while.....and here are those words I find difficult to utter, "he loves me" through the pain. Healing then begins and continues.
Grieving is not easy. Down right exhausting at times. Mentally and physically spent. Takes a lot out of me. Grieving is part of the healing process and takes determination in facing the full range of my emotions, as best as I am able at this time, that God has given me. Very hard and painful work. But, God knows the process will produce positive results in the end.
Through the pain, God promises in Isaiah 40:29 that, "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."
In replenishing my weariness during this time, God does not reject or shame me for my weakness. God can still administer strength and power during my greatest time of need. Amen!
JBR, this is so well said.....I pray this gives others courage to walk the same path....
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Tammy
Wow! This is so good. I wish someone would have said these things to me when I was going through grief. Some said, "Christians don't grieve." Maybe some don't, but they need to! God bless you and give you His Peace!
ReplyDeleteI don;t think many people look at grieving from Gods point of view. What you've shared here explains is more clearly. Very good.
ReplyDeleteFor me grieving does not heal me unless I shed a lot of tears, seems like it washes some grief away.
ReplyDeleteSecretia
Grieving is good JBR. Let God have his way in healing you. Stay strong.
ReplyDeleteAmen sweetie.
ReplyDeleteSweetie. You're very special in Gods eye. He will always be with you to strengthen you with the love that maybe now you can't feel but it's real.
ReplyDeleteOne step at a time....each of us grieve and handle things in our own time.
ReplyDeleteHugs, andrea
Grieving is extremely exhausting. Physically, mentally and emotionally. It's even spiritually exhausting when we have to practice patience on waiting for our Father's guidance. Never be ashamed to cry. NEVER!!! Jesus catches each and every one of those tears that you shed and he places them in your very own bottle. Crying makes us human. Remember, even Jesus wept. It's not a sign of weakness, but a signal of strength. Too many men have told me in my life that crying was weak. It is a form of release. I still say that you and I were separated at birth my dear friend. :o) We continue to take those same confrontational walks at the same point in our recovery. Be strong, do not feel ashamed and praise God that you are finally releasing what has been kept locked up inside of you for so long.
ReplyDeleteHugs my sweet friend!
God is with you every step of the way.
ReplyDeleteHolding you, comforting you, loving you!
Knowing the healing that waits on the other side of the pain.
Hugs!!!
There is definitely no timeline for grieving. I think taking the time to grieve is one of the most important things in terms of mental health. I'm here supporting you while you're feeling sad.
ReplyDeleteWishing you well,
NOS
nope, grieving has no timetable. and until you go through it all, properly, it'll keep coming back... so go it slowly, your way.
ReplyDeleteGrief has its own process and is excruciating for everyone, but for me since the recent loss of my Grandma...I feel like she left me. I know that doesn't make sense, but it is how I feel. I've had much loss of some of the things that you mention. Yes, it is physically and emotionally exhausting, but in the end a good thing. But, it is excruciating and comes from the soul.
ReplyDeleteFor me crying in front of God or allowing others to pray for me seems to be an issue of intimacy.
Thanks for your post and for listening to my rambling.
Hello,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Lee,I found you on Debra's blog and decided to come by. Your blog is thought provoking, I like that. I just started a new blog... Beloved Paintings and I see you have a painting in your last post. If you like art come and see me...Lee
I have grieved this lifetime, and not grieved at other points, what I've found and it may only be me...(?) is that if I don't grieve what I need to grieve it will find me again and I will have to grieve and let go.
ReplyDeleteWhat has happened this round of grieving is a whole lot of items from my past have come up and re-visited me and I realized it is because I have not grieved these prior so I say...GRIEVE...OUTLOUD, otherwise we don't understand it, there is no shame in the grieving process and it's uniqueness to us..
Know we're here to support and hold hands as needed!!
xo Gabi
I love to see you letting yourself go! This is beautiful to observe. As always - I am hoping with you!
ReplyDeleteGrieving is caused by loss and by any kind of change, even good changes because with change comes loss of some kind. I am glad that you have decided to let yourself grieve finally. It is ok to grieve. It is even healthy and yes, it is exhausting. It is exhausting because you have held it in for so long and let it build up in your body for so long. I think it is so exhausting to make us rest our minds and bodies after we grieve. The body needs to rest after letting go of all of the stuff that we hold onto for so long. Grieve and cry as much as you need to. Along with the other commenters, I am here for you for as long as you need me to be. Blessings and hugs are being sent to you from me.
ReplyDeleteI'm sad when I hear fathers tell their sons when they fall or get hurt: "Don't cry! You're a man!" I think it's hard if the emotions are bottled up and not given a chance to flow as it should. It makes the response to hurt, pain, or loss of someone or something unnatural. It's just much healthier to accept those feelings of pain or loss. And I'm glad that you are finding that healing and comfort that He offers. God bless you JBR and have a great rest of the week.
ReplyDeleteDear JBR, no there is no time line to grieving. There was no deadline to all what happened to you and there is no deadline to your journey, your recovery. You always will be work in progress however when you worked through this it is like "maintenance" It is good that you allow yourself to this grieving, allow yourself the tears and exhaustion, you simply allow yourself being a human being. Besides of that I am very much with Gabi. Love form my heart to yours.
ReplyDeletesorry for your pain. YOu share your feelings wel in writing. wish I could.
ReplyDeleteI think it's important to remember that God is grieving everytime someone hurts us. Somehow, that helps me to pick up the pieces and carry on...
ReplyDeleteI think our grief is a reflection of us "getting", understanding, another side to God. One of His deepest characteristics. I think of how many times He grieved, and His Son grieved in pain for our choices...and I know...my journey is tapping into understanding more of who He really is. A time to weep...you know?
ReplyDeletehugs ur way, sweet lady.
ang
I think it is important to remember that He is Faithful to bring us through to the other side of grief and pain. Jesus bore them and as we walk with Him, He will walk us from the valley up unto the Mountain top where we can breathe freely and have a view unobstructed by past pains! The enemy wants to hold us captive in the valley, but Jesus has given us the authority to break free and soar with Him!! Hallelujah!
ReplyDeleteSweet Blessings!
Jackie
This is such a deep and honest post...I have heard there is not time limit on grief. It is such an inspiration to hear how God is walking with you through all your pain and sadness. Gentle hugs.
ReplyDeletei learned as an adult the hard way, to let the grief come and wash through the filter of the Holy Spirit living in me. i still hate the emotional turmoil and pain, but i know He cleanses it as it passes through Him. then i can move forward.
ReplyDeleteas usual. good post.
Once again you amaze me with your depth of insight into your pain. Not many people have that quality. Grieving is a personal thing between you and your maker. Let him comfort you as you shed those tears of long ago. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteNever a timetable to grieving!
ReplyDeleteTears can ease our pain.
But I do hope you get to experience joy today!
Margie :)
That grieving thing....yea, I know all about that and the "not wanting to cry" because you were told if you did cry you would be given something to cry about. So then the stuffing of normal emotions like crying began as a very young child. I had an individual tell me after leaving my abusive husband of 33 years to throw the clock out the window when it came to grieving. she was right. tears are a welcome for me...wish i could express my sadness and grief along with tears more. i'm getting there. it's when I keep all these emotions trapped inside me that the depression gets worse. So, I'm learning to verbalize (again one of the statements I was told over and over was "children are to be seen and not heard"} also kept my words that needed and still need to be vocalized. I'm learning how to do that a little more each day. Janie
ReplyDelete