"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Friday, March 26, 2010


In t. yesterday I shared, although my t. already knew something was up as whenever she greets me at the door, I try and make sure that she walks ahead of me.

I have always done that with virtually anyone that "knows" me. If you are a stranger, then it would not bother me as much.

I hate people behind me because I perceive they are thinking bad about me, looking me over.


My mother would always and tries even to this day, shame me about my looks, or about what I did or did not do.

She would say, "you are such a pretty girl, but you are heavy. Why do you do this?" And to top it off she would have a frown of disappointment on her face, (like a pout) which would just kill me inside! Looks are just as bad as words!!

So yesterday, as my t. greeted me at the door, she wanted me to walk ahead of her. I convinced her to go ahead of me "that" time. But later on in our session we practiced with me going first and saying to myself that "I am worthy," "my looks do not matter," "I am important," etc. I felt awkward, silly, and yes, shameful doing this exercise. Brings out a lot of deep rooted shame in me. I know this exercise can only help me, and eventually in time, I pray that I will believe what I am actually saying to myself. I cannot even look in the mirror and say at my reflection that, "I am worthy, I am loved, I am not a mistake."

Even though we did not discuss this yesterday in t., I remember having had similar experiences when it came to men. Even complete strangers. When I was younger, in denial and thinner, having men gawk and do cat calls and say stuff to me would set me on edge. This type of behavior brought out in my extreme shame, anger and fear. This type of shame has a lot to do with being sexually abused.


  1. JBR God is doing his work in you. Layer by layer. Have a good day in him. God bless.

  2. Train your heart to trust God to provide what you need that will dissolve away your shame.

  3. This type of shame has a lot to do with being sexually abused.

    yes,,I never knew that before...

  4. Praying for you sweetie that God may release you from all shame.

  5. oh honey, you are worthy, your are loved, you are not a mistake!!!

    You will come to believe it the more you appropriate and accept God's love for you!!!

    I pray today is a step in that direction.


  6. Bless you, JBR, for having the courage to stay the course. If you did not believe in yourself, you would not have. That is something very solid to hang onto, just as our faith is our anchor.


  7. I am always wary of people standing or walking behind me, I feel especially vulnerable...


  8. Praying GOD removes the shame and heals your heart. It is NOT your fault!

  9. I'm sorry, but all I can say is this post really made me cry.

  10. I'm know it's hard and hope you feel that you are making progress. Know this--you are cared for! Have a good weekend!!

  11. Stay strong and continue to persevere.

  12. I know what you mean. I hate when people are behind me or looking at me. It has been so debilitating that I used to drive somewhere and then turn around and drive back home because I was too ashamed to get out of the car and have people see me. I hate mirrors, I hate anyone looking at me. It's a painful process but I hope we can get through it.

  13. Always...always doing good stuff here JBR (((hugs))). I'm glad you are working so hard.

  14. May your chains be broken from the jail of shame, I love you.

  15. I was surprised at how this post hit home for me. I am a "go to the back of the room, stand at the back of the line" type person too. The reason you listed makes sense. I had pressure from my mother about my weight as well.

  16. JBR, I'm chubby fluffy fat whatever you want to call it. I just say I'm gravity challenged, built low and wide for maximum stability.

    There are always people who criticize others based on externalities, and I feel their value system is about as shallow as their skin deep assessments, so I don't allow it to bother my world.

    Hugs JBR!!! Feel free to walk in front of me anytime.

  17. God didn't make junk. Your perfect just as he made you. Hold on to that statement.

  18. and yet... GOD CREATED ... every one of us, HE had no favorites! WE apply labels... HE JUST LOVES US, His created!



  19. JBR you have nothing to be ashamed about.

  20. None of it was your fault and you are helping so many others by sharin your story and jouney to 'healing'!! You're so strong and awesome to be so open and honest!! So glad I found you!
    Hugs and Prayers,

  21. I am praying also. I want so much for you to receive God's love and acceptance.

  22. I am the same way - I almost make people walk in front of me. I hope that one day we can both overcome this. Thanks for sharing.


  23. THe shame will grow less the more often do this exercises and similar ones. Affirmations do help!
    "I am loving, I ma loveable and I am loved" Yes it was a HUGE step for me to.


  25. How I pray that the Lord will show you your true worth JBR! Seriously, I ask the Lord to show you how incredibly loved and beautiful you are all the time. Because you are. You are a daughter of THE KING. The GREAT I AM. And He cherishes you immeasurably.I know it's true because my entire spirit is on fire as I write this. The Holy Spirit is giving me a witness of the great love He has for you. I don't care if people think I'm weird, God HAS a PERFECT PLAN for you. I will continue to pray until you feel this great love, too.