ABUSER VISIT

I have been thinking about writing this post for a few days now.

Kept on putting it off. I did not want to post about it.

I was going to start yesterday, as the heaviness remained on me, but the previous "uplifting" post over rid that idea.

The Holy Spirit did not forget and decided to wake me up early to do the post now.

Any kind of abuse can leave a long lasting scar. Figuratively and actually.

I know the shame and guilt I feel has impacted my life across the board, whether I am aware of it or not.

I have learned that, shame and guilt can leave me feeling with such a distorted sense of identity. That I know for sure!

I am slowly accepting what had happened to me was not my fault.

But, it is very hard.

Still, I can claim being abused was not my fault, but the shame and guilt is still very prevalent!!

You can tell me over and over and over and I can even tell myself, mouth the words, hear my words out loud over and over and over again that it was NOT my fault that....

my brother sexually abused me,
my father's porno mags. were in plain sight all the time,
my mother physically hit me,
my father emotionally neglected me and belittled me,
my father and mother verbally abused me,
my parents divorced.

So why do I continue to feel such extreme shame????

I have heard people say about being sexually abused, "that they wished they were able to stop what was happening to them."

I have not even gotten to that point where I even question, "I should have done something about what was happening to me."

I have questioned, how I reasoned what was going on with me at the time, and how I dissociated.

But, I cannot even feel the anger or resentment or whatever the hell I am suppose to feel??

I am under the impression a lot of my emotions are still dead.

I know the "head" reason why most of us did not do anything at the time, and that was because we were very fearful, too young, who would have believed us, very shameful, and we trusted the person(s) who was violating us.

Next week my abuser and his wife will be staying with me for a few days. This is our late Christmas visit. We do this every year.

I have no problem with them staying with me.

The few people I shared this with in the past, who know my story, are aghast and amazed that I can even have my abuser in the same house as I.

Now, the questions begin.

I feel something is wrong with me.

Am I weird? I feel out of place.

Sure, I look at my brother in a different light since my journey. But, I cannot even get angry at my brother and what he did to me and the effects it had on me with the inability to have intimate relationships.

I mean it is very evident what my brother did to me. I have the memories, not all, but I have them.

I have no problem getting angry about someone else's abuse, but when it comes to mine, I cannot.

Will I ever get to that point of anger?

Will it ever come?

And if it does not, is that okay?

Can I heal without the proper anger distributed?

Or will I be in denial?

Am I subconsciously still blaming myself?

Is my pain so deep and so long ago that it will take time to surface?

Am I still scared to face whatever pain I have yet to face?