"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Monday, April 12, 2010


I have been thinking about writing this post for a few days now.

Kept on putting it off. I did not want to post about it.

I was going to start yesterday, as the heaviness remained on me, but the previous "uplifting" post over rid that idea.

The Holy Spirit did not forget and decided to wake me up early to do the post now.

Any kind of abuse can leave a long lasting scar. Figuratively and actually.

I know the shame and guilt I feel has impacted my life across the board, whether I am aware of it or not.

I have learned that, shame and guilt can leave me feeling with such a distorted sense of identity. That I know for sure!

I am slowly accepting what had happened to me was not my fault.

But, it is very hard.

Still, I can claim being abused was not my fault, but the shame and guilt is still very prevalent!!

You can tell me over and over and over and I can even tell myself, mouth the words, hear my words out loud over and over and over again that it was NOT my fault that....

my brother sexually abused me,
my father's porno mags. were in plain sight all the time,
my mother physically hit me,
my father emotionally neglected me and belittled me,
my father and mother verbally abused me,
my parents divorced.

So why do I continue to feel such extreme shame????

I have heard people say about being sexually abused, "that they wished they were able to stop what was happening to them."

I have not even gotten to that point where I even question, "I should have done something about what was happening to me."

I have questioned, how I reasoned what was going on with me at the time, and how I dissociated.

But, I cannot even feel the anger or resentment or whatever the hell I am suppose to feel??

I am under the impression a lot of my emotions are still dead.

I know the "head" reason why most of us did not do anything at the time, and that was because we were very fearful, too young, who would have believed us, very shameful, and we trusted the person(s) who was violating us.

Next week my abuser and his wife will be staying with me for a few days. This is our late Christmas visit. We do this every year.

I have no problem with them staying with me.

The few people I shared this with in the past, who know my story, are aghast and amazed that I can even have my abuser in the same house as I.

Now, the questions begin.

I feel something is wrong with me.

Am I weird? I feel out of place.

Sure, I look at my brother in a different light since my journey. But, I cannot even get angry at my brother and what he did to me and the effects it had on me with the inability to have intimate relationships.

I mean it is very evident what my brother did to me. I have the memories, not all, but I have them.

I have no problem getting angry about someone else's abuse, but when it comes to mine, I cannot.

Will I ever get to that point of anger?

Will it ever come?

And if it does not, is that okay?

Can I heal without the proper anger distributed?

Or will I be in denial?

Am I subconsciously still blaming myself?

Is my pain so deep and so long ago that it will take time to surface?

Am I still scared to face whatever pain I have yet to face?


  1. JBR, all will ome in time. I have learned as well that too much thinking prevents feeling....You have recognized and accept the abuse. Yopu work on it. Shame and guilt didnt built overnight and not in a few weeks, months. It takes a long time to overcome and even more so you most probably will overcome it in bouts. For myself I didnt release shame and guilt because I was afraid HOW life without it shall look like. Whatever I wanted and desired - this life without the pain and patterns of the past was frightehning. I rather hold onto shame, that I knew!!! You ared oing a fab job, maybe dont question so much but listen inside you. Love

  2. stuck-in-the-middleApril 12, 2010

    JBR hang on to God. He'll reveal to you in time what you need to know. To much info may hurt you. He knows best.

  3. I would not be able to be in the same building with the abuser.

  4. I agree with Paula. I didn't want to give up the feelings, the darkness, they were too much a part of me and who I was. I was very comfortable in my cave. Memories hidden deep inside me finally spilled out, as did my anger. I still have my ups and downs, and father issues, but I'm healing.
    You can too. We need to see it, then let go. A little at a time. Baby steps. There is hope.
    Try to hang on to hope and keep writing. It truly helps.
    You have us, use us. Support is powerful medicine.
    Please take care of you.

  5. Knowing how much you are willing to be led by the Spirit, I know He is faithful to be there for you and He will truly help you in everything that you need, to understand things as they come your way. What seems to be hard to understand [like allowing him to stay with you] for us is not the same as we try to understand in His power and might. Because His ways and thoughts are higher than ours. Perfect love casts out fear...God bless JBR and keeping you in prayers as you walk on this path toward healing. Not alone. He is right beside you.

  6. how in the world will you ever heal... if the cause of the abuse is around you.... I don't understand how in the world you could talk to him.... allow him in your home...why are you subjecting yourself to the pain... you have got to learn to say goodbye so that you can heal... and in due time ... MAYBE... after years have passed... the family has repented... you have forgiven... then a relationship of some sorts can be established but you are obviously living the pain daily, tormented by the past..... you have to stand up for yourself.... guard your heart... you have already been thru sooooo much..... I hope that God will give you what you need and speak to you plainly about how to deal with the abusers...surely there has to be another way... another answer.

  7. Sweetie, God will guide you. Don't feel bad that you can't become angry. It's okay. By all means, don't condemn or have anyone else condemn you for feeling the way you do. You're so much worth it to God.

  8. You have not explained why you feel obligated to have hims stay.
    Why are you obligated? Because the visit is habitual? Please explain why this annual visit is unavoidable.

    Feelings arent facts, so the feelings are not really the dominant consideration imo. you best interests ought to come first.
    Cannot really say much more as information about the visit is scant.
    How long is he staying for? etc


  9. Dear JBR, We all heal in our own way and in our own time. You are on your healing journey. God will guide you. Love and hugs to you.

  10. NO you are not scared!!
    I can't get angry at the person too...
    You are simply you dear JBR, and I'm honored to know you.

  11. Your pain and recovery is a process guided by the wisdom of God, and thank goodness it is, because if it were guided by our own shamed and wounded minds and wills, we'd never get better! It's sort of like you're going through labor and delivery. The labor is productive pain that operates apart from your own will. You cannot force yourself to dilate more quickly. It just happens when you're ready. All you have to do is take care of yourself physically and emotionally and show much gentleness to yourself, while God leads you through your healing. You can trust Him that His timing is right. When you feel ready to explore anger, God will open up some outlets where you feel safe to do that. Pray about the course of your healing. You're a brave and wonderful woman worthy of a great life!

  12. Several times this year I am ashamed to be a member of the human race. I claim none of what I abhor is/was my fault. But in a way, everything which happens, good or bad, IS a result of the action and interaction of all of us in some way.

    My prayers for you are that you receive God's grace, good counseling, and accept the love which comes from these blog-peeps to you.

  13. One step at a time, sweetie! Hang in there!
    Storming the heavens in prayer for you,

  14. I am praying for you. And God loves you more than you will EVER know.

  15. You dear sweet angel...I am on the side of why are you letting your brother in your house...I don't think pretending is "just being real"...it is acting as if everything is ok. You were not able to say no when you were a child...you are able to say no now!! you are able to stand up for yourself now...you are the mommy of that little girl and you need to take care of her now in this present momemt....I am not a shrink, nor can I give the right answers or the way they would tell you what to do...This is my GUT feeling...Toxic people are toxic people even if it is family....especially if it is family. Would you feel guilt for cutting him out? probably...but think of the feeling you would have when you stand up for yourself....my darling, if I were there I would yell and scream and kick his butt out so fast his head would spin..

  16. As you continue to surrender to God, complete healing will come. It's easy as outsiders to say what we would or wouldn't do but we never really know until we walk that path. I pray that you will be healed and made whole.

  17. Listen to God and you can not go wrong.

    Love and prayers,

  18. I think the question I have is, Has your brother acknowledged what he did, and has he asked your forgiveness?????

    This is so hard - though I was not physically abused, I was neglected, and grew up in a very dysfunctional home with a lot of anger. But I never admitted being angry - for a long time. I always said they did the best they could, and even thought that may be true it still left scars. Until I was able to say it was not right, did I really begin to see.

    God will complete what he has begun!!!


  19. I, too wondered if you and your brother had any closure to this? Knowing how you love Jesus, I'm believing that He will allow only what you can deal with today. Praying, my friend.

  20. Sweety, it's going to be a difficult task for you to heal with your abuser around you. I relate to everything that you are going through. However, the thought of even hearing my abusers voice panics me and causes me to feel threatened. You are much stronger than I. God will give you the wisdom to get through this. I am so sorry you are carrying so much pain right now. You are such an inspiration to me......hugs to you sweet friend.

  21. Have you searched out "SARK" yet?
    She is a survivor with a sweet and gentle game plan called "Dream Boogie"...

  22. For the longest time I was able to be with my father and act like nothing was wrong. I cannot do that now. I think I thought I wasn't worth getting angry over. Now I know I am worth it. So I am angry. But it has taken me years.
    Do not worry about what others say. You do what is right for you. Hugs.

  23. What youve written here I coulda written myself. I have yet to face my past abuser. I'm angry tho. But i do understand the dead feelings. Maybe in time you'll get there. Hang tight.

  24. I wish I knew the reason, but I am not angry at my abusers either, though like you I'm angry over other's abuses. Maybe someday we'll figure it out...

  25. I need to clarify what I said. Of course I have not walked your path nor do I believe that you would do what I would do, we are all different...Do what is safe for you...has your brother acknowledge what happened? Does his wife know? Could he be possibly be doing this still? Firstly, do not be afraid..your faith will carry you through, your strength will carry you through...You are no longer that scared little girl..you are a strong, capable woman who has grown tremendously since then. People like him rule through fear...just remember you are no longer that scared little girl.

  26. If it never does, is that okay?
    You are perfect exactly as you are, in every moment.

    For me, the shame was partially about a sense that there must have been something wrong with me, or nobody could have done those things to me. It seemed impossible for me to believe that someone could take a perfectly good little girl and destroy her... and therefore, I must not have been a perfectly good little girl.

    As I've grown, through therapy, I've come to see that so much of what happened to me wasn't about me, at all. It was about the abusers, about their pain and their wrong thinking... not about any quality in me that was lacking.

    You were a perfectly good little girl... and you are perfect, right now, just as you are.
    Once you accept you, it will be easier to let the rest go... in God's time.

  27. Oh no JBR!

    I am neutral on this one for you. All I can say is that anger is a very potent force and if directed at the right target, can be a very therapeutic release for the survivor. But, if you're not ready yet, then God will give your mind and feelings divine protection until you are. God Bless.

  28. I want to reach out my arms and hug you.

    All I can say is that it's ok not to be angry. Just because yuo may not have what is thought to be "text-book" emotions about the whole deal, doesn't mean there is something wrong. People may disagree with me, but I'm talking from experience. What is good is that you talking about it, and working through it. God will give you what you need.

  29. Hold on to your faith JBR. You've been strong all along.

  30. JBR,

    In time God will heal all those wounds, some are in the process of healing which is why certain things don't bother you that should and others are so fresh. See it as evidence of the work of God in your life.

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

  31. JBR,
    Ouch! I will pray for you very much. Like Mary, I was wondering if your brother has asked for your forgiveness, too. It's harder if the person just pretends they never did anything.

  32. I guess I'm a horse of a different color ... I'd have to confront my brother about what he did ot me. In a way, I don't feel you are ever going to heal that part of yourself until you make HIM accountable. You need to give your hurt back to him, for his part in your painful life. I'm sorry, this makes me very angry, and I'm just bold enough that I would say what I think no matter who it was who was the abuser.

    That's me and you are you, JBR. You have to follow your own heart, dear one.

  33. Add my prayers for you to the list...no great advice or even a strong opinion...just love and support on your journey....

  34. I ask myself those questions all the time. I also have been around some of my abusers and not felt anything and I wonder why. But I do know that there is nothing 'wrong' with you in this. This is hard stuff and God is gracious towards us. He knows what we will be able to handle and when. Thinking of you.

  35. Wow, you are dealing with a lot. Remember that His strength is enough for you, and that His strength works best in weakness. Kia kaha, girl, God bless

  36. God will not leave you, e will guide you through this journey of healing.

  37. You are an amazing person JBR. If you are able to have him to stay then that shows a level of forgiveness and letting go, even if you don't realise it. Whether he has asked you for forgiveness in my opinion is irrelevant - you can only control what is in your (or rather God's) control. He may never open up to you and you cannot put your life on hold waiting for that. He may well feel the same shame that you do, on a different level. (not that I am belittling what he did at all). If you give up your life waiting for that, his acts are continuing in affecting your life. Don't let that happen. You are an amazing person and sharing your life on here is making a difference to so many people. God is taking you on a journey to heal yourself. Trust in Him.

    And please don't beat yourself up about not feeling anger - it is YOUR journey not anyone elses and only you will know when you are ready to take another step. Maybe you won't ever feel that anger, maybe God is protecting you from that? Just focus on you.

    Check out Psalm 25. vs 1-3.

    Blessed be the man (or woman!) who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life, that God has promised to those who love him. James 1:12

    Much love

  38. Christ Alone MinistriesApril 13, 2010

    O Lord,
    In this time of need, strengthen me. You are my strength and my shield; You are my refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. I know, Father, that Your eyes go to and fro throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts long for You. The body grows weary, but my hope is in You to renew my strength.
    I do not fear, for You are with me.
    I am not dismayed or overwhelmed, for You are my God. I know You will strengthen me and help me; that You will uphold me with Your righteous hand. Even as the shadows of illness cover me, I feel the comfort of Your strength, Or Lord.

  39. check us out on the internet also.

  40. I want to thank all of you who have already responded.


    This topic was very difficult for me to even consider posting. I really did not want to post it. It is a painful subject for me. Hurts.

    After I posted it yesterday morning, and received already a few comments, I wanted to take it off. It took everything in me to keep the post up.

    To be perfectly honest with you all I felt such shame. Amazing how shame found its way in this post and effected me afterward.

    I also certainly was NOT expecting so many diverse opinions.

    So despite feeling shame, for now....

    Only by the Grace of God am I sharing my pain openly in order to help any others out there, and to help myself as well.

    To God be the glory.

    Again, thank you. And thank you for your prayers.

  41. It's not like you haven't been thoughtful about this, so whatever you're going through, hard to see it as denial. Given you're comfortable with your brother's being around, I'm also not sure where you are (or want to be) with respect to forgiveness or whether that could be part of the answer. I'll assume he doesn't deserve it, but it's for you not him. My wife has a similar background to yours and has found a lot of comfort in Emmet Fox's "Sermon on the Mount." The important thing is to listen for guidance and to follow that voice. I think you're doing that. And remember, you are cared for!

  42. Oh, sweetie, it is a hard road those of us that have been abused have to travel. I have forgiven my abuser, my brother, and he comes to visit us as well.

    It is hard for anyone who has not been in our shoes to even comprehend how we could forgive, let alone let them in our home.

    But PRAISE GOD, He has forgiven me, for all the wrongs that I have done.


  43. I admire your courage, and though many will struggle to understand how you can allow your abuser into your home i think I can.
    My brother to was involved in my abuse, though at the moment we have no contact, at my request as I journey through the mire. I do forgive him and have left him in Gods hands.
    I love your writing its so inspiring and has given me a hope I have been seeking so maybe this was the Holy Spirits prompting that led me to your blogs.
    Well Done , Every Blessing

  44. I don't know if you can EXPECT something different from what you are NOW feeling? It's like trying to squelch a feeling ... When I squelch a feeling ... that causes me LOTS of pain. Hang in there ...

  45. There is no specific way to live with an abuser who is part of your family. It is seldom easy to cut them out, to feel OK with cutting them out, to feel comfortable near them or any combination of the above. Everyone reacts and copes in different ways. There may be a time in the future where you won't even want to be in the same room as him because the pain and anger is too great. I'm not there yet either, but I know it is a place I will eventually be.