"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Wednesday, March 31, 2010


My mother has no idea how she is being used by Satan as a tool to "try" and condemn me. If I were to say this to her, she would go berserk.

We are all very capable, even without knowing it, being used by Satan. Even the disciples, especially Peter in Matthew 16:23 when Jesus said to him, "Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."

My mother has already started with me for not attending Maundy Thursday services (which I have never done, but she insists I have) that she claims everyone goes to. I told her "no, not everyone goes to Maundy Thursday." Then came why I was not going to Good Friday services. Again, she claiming everyone goes to and "how dare I do not go." There was a time that the fear she bestowed upon me "forced" me to do what she said out of guilt, shame and condemnation! (Spiritual Abuse)

With that being said, I still find it difficult facing her. I do not even dare tell her I am contemplating not going to the Easter service.

I am just struggling now. So much crap has been going on this past week.

I still may change my mind about going on Easter, but right now it is hard for me and I certainly do not need her telling me I am bad for not doing this.

Looking forward to the day, where I will be brave enough and NOT FEAR nor FEEL SHAME and tell her about the cell phone I bought last year without her approval, the computer I bought last year, without her approval and my recent guitar purchase, without her approval.

Right now, I still have strong ties to her. I still feel very little at times. If confronted, I believe I will still attack her in anger. I am still not confident enough in myself to believe that I have a right to be happy. But, I am getting there.....


  1. First of all, Maundy Thursday services are immensely emotional. You'd remember if you'd ever been to one. I remember a few years back, I sat and cried for a good hour at the end.

    Somehow, God will set that moment up for you to air out all this baggage with her. Just believe that.

    You don't have to be a christian to go to church. It sounds like that is the way she is trying to spin you in her web. I got burnt during my divorce by my old church. Extremely. I have had to learn that not all Christians are like that. I know God wants us to fellowship with fellow Christians, but right now, I'm not ready. And it sounds like you are further ahead than I am myself.

    Hang in there sweet friend. And thanks for all your support....

  2. You have all the right in the world to be angry and to express it too. You have all the right in the world to make your own decisons. You and only you are responsible for you. During therapy I have learned recently that if I stick to my descisions other will be frustrated as they dont get their will, as they cant manipulate me, but this their business to deal with. it is hard to swallow. Hard to face, often only teeth grtting i make it through. But I go through. You will manage we I will. Step by step. I am with you and send you good vibes to support you on the decisions you want to make. Love

  3. Most people don't get it that they are being used by satan when it happens. Praying she does come to realize it and change.
    Hugs, andrea

  4. Your last four words are what is important to me: "...I am getting there..."

    Personally I don't think where I "go to", whether it is Easter service or Christmas Eve midnight mass at the carthedral, makes a bit of difference to God. It is what is in my HEAD and HEART which counts.

    I happen to love the mass, and I also sing in choir and play violin there, but that is NOT necessarily my "spirituality". Motive matters here, too. If I am going there just to please someone else, it does certainly not a God-pleaser. Jus my opinion.

    Bless you, JBR, keep up with the blog, I/we need YOU, too, ya know!

  5. (((HUGS)))

    I'll be praying for you sis. God is going to bring you through this, too.


  6. You're right all of us are capable of being used by the enemy. I don't know your whole story but I do understand the grip mothers can sometimes have on our lives. I pray that every place of bondage will be broken in your life. Shame will not forever be your portion.

    Your Sister in Christ, Wanda

  7. As a parent (and a child), I understand your mom's concern and desire for you to attend the services. I also understand your wishes not to go.
    I pray that you can realize that your mom's desires for you doesn't equate Satanic or Spiritual abuse, just simply her concern for you.
    See... you can view everything as a choice: Choosing whether to allow these things to rule your emotions, make you angry, cause you to see 'Satan' using others, letting it ruin your day, and making you over-analyze situations to the point of feeling fear and shame...
    OR choosing to just see people as fallible flesh-clothed individuals who carry their own baggage - and choosing NOT to allow their words or actions to cause you to emotionally blow up and instead just choose to let them be them while you walk in God's peace. If you want happiness - it's time you look inside of yourself. With Jesus inside - your happiness never depends on others or situations or expectations - it's simply yours for the choosing.

  8. I understand where your coming from and agree with most of your commenters here except Deb. From what I've read of your profile and other posts, you're very real and you've been hurt in the past and seem to be working through your issues. You're not in denial of your problems. You don't seem to be one that fluffs off your probems by saying trust God when you have issues with trusting. It's not that simple. I understand. I'm the same way. I respect what you've shared and I am for you all the way. Healing takes time.

  9. JBR I found the following on the internet that explains why Satan used Peter. Yes, satan can and has used any one of us. Anyone who says hasn't needs to search there heart:

    This verse states, “But when He had turned about and looked on His disciples, He rebuked Peter, saying, Get you behind Me, Satan: for you savor not the things that be of God, but the things that be of men.” Christ was not implying that Peter was Satan.

    Peter was the most outspoken of the disciples. This was not a trait that always served him well. (Notice Mark 14:47 and John 13:6-9.) In the Mark 8:33 account, Satan (the “god of this world” [II Cor. 4:4], and “prince of the power of the air…[working] in the children of disobedience” [Eph. 2:2]) had influenced Peter, causing him to “rebuke Him [Christ].”

    Satan knows “…that he has but a short time” (Rev. 12:12). He does not want to give up his hold on this world. Christ came to this earth as a physical, flesh-and-blood human being in order to qualify to replace Satan.

    Because of the closeness he felt to Christ, Peter could not humanly accept the fact that Christ would have to die. Satan seized on Peter’s emotional tendencies and influenced him to rebuke Christ as he did. Christ recognized Satan’s influence. Another example of this is found in John 13:27.

    GOD Bless

  10. JBR...

    Your freedom from answering questions with the right words, from anger over it, and guilt... is coming. Emotional baggage is a tough one, but HE gets that, and sometimes it helps to know that we don't have to 'explain' our answers in detail. The truth of your heart will stand up as you answer quietly. It may not make everyone happy, but that's ok too. In time, people will accept your yes and your no.

    Just stay steady... He is guiding.



  11. Wishing and praying for a Happy Easter for you, JBR.


  12. Sweetie no one can make you do anything you don't want to. Looks like your mother has a set of rules like that post you had a few back on legalism points out. Satan is subtle. Your doing just fine. Happy Easter to you and your family.

  13. We have all been used as a tool by Satan at one time or another in our lives whether we admit it or not.

    We don't have a Maundy Thursday service at our church, but we do have a Good Friday service and then another on Easter. We will be attending both of them, because that is OUR CHOICE, and we want to go! God knows what yours and His relationship is, He knows what is in your heart.

    I will continue to pray for you, sweet JBR! The links in your chains of bondage are being broken one at a time.....in HIS time!


  14. I truly believe churches are really places for Christians to commune and worship together, and hopefully learn from one another. God doesn't live in a church nor is bound by the ceremony of a worship service.

    As you become more independent as an adult, your mother's approval is becoming less important. Yeah!!! Your mom may never change, but you are!!

  15. JBR,

    In time you will get to the place where you can speak your mind with gentleness and love. Just remember to lift your mom up in prayer daily and ask God's guidance in all things you do each and every day. Some days are easier.

    If you can, you should try and get to service on Sunday. We should all try and remember the ultimate gift that was paid and the sacrifice offered so we could live eternally when this life is over.

    Hope you stop by as I am hosting weekly giveaways now on my blog.

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

  16. May you continue to remain strong in the Lord's mighty power. God bless you JBR! Praying for Him to change your mother's hearts/ways. Take care.

  17. Never be afraid to express your feelings, I love you.

  18. I agree. Don't ever be afraid to express what you are feeling, including anger. It sounds as if your mom is used to beating up on you in so many ways... I pray that God continues to show you how important you are and that you don't have to take it. ((((hugs!!)))

  19. We were created with emotions so it is only natural to express all of them at one time or another...and I agree that God sees each of our hearts, so if He knows our true relationship with Him, then condemnation from others doesn't stand a chance....

  20. Stay true to yourself and true to God. Your mum may never change, but you can and will through God's transforming power.

    Don't feel guilty for choosing not to go to church. Keep that decision between you and God.

    However, be sure of your reasons. Be sure that you aren't choosing to miss out just because your mom wants you not to miss out. I know that under similar pressure, I'd certainly want to do the opposite to what is being demanded of me.

    You are in my prayers,

  21. stuck-in-the-middleApril 02, 2010

    Hang in there JBR. Go with your heart. Happy Easter.

  22. Jock SpearsApril 02, 2010

    After reading your post and the one on shame, I am sincerely touched by what God is doing in your life.

    I was brought up in the 60's the era of free love, drugs and the sex revolution. Although I was only a child back then, I saw some things that affected me to this day.

    My home was not happy. I was the youngest of three. Two older sisters. Rumor has it my parents were really never married. I remember constant fighting among them and drinking parties. I saw all the chaos surrounding me. Got me curious later in life and I turned to drugs and took a bad road. Did many things I'm am ashamed to admit to this day.

    Through my recovery many years ago, I came to know Christ.

    Keep going strong. You have a mind of your own. In time God will break through to your heart where he'll be able to fix you.

    Jock Spears

  23. Happy Easter JBR!

  24. Thank you for sharing your heart. I thought I was the only one who lived in fear of what their mother thought about purchases and the like. A woman my age, that is...I'm glad there is another person in my world who can relate. ((hugs)) and be strong.

  25. I have the same problem about church with my mother. I still haven't been able to stand up to her. I often wonder why that is. So I certainly understand what you are saying. I pray that you will have the strength to do whatever you chose to do.

  26. Sending you love this Easter. Whether you go to church or not is not important in my eyes. Being with Jesus wherever you are is. His love never fails. He will never shame you.

  27. Happy Easter JBR.... Sending you hugs. :)


  28. I will keep you in my prayers. Have a blessed Easter. (((Hugs)))

  29. praying for you JBR...hope your Easter has been good...praying for your mother to lose her voice. ☺

  30. Hey JBR,
    I read this with my daughter last night, Romans 14:5. 'One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind.'

    I do not feel bad if I miss an Easter or Christmas service, since I celebrate Christ's birth, death and resurrection every day.

    I've been recovering from a neck injury, and had such a bad sleeps on Wed/Thurs nights that my family stayed home on Friday, and to celebrate Easter we shared communion together. It was wonderful.

    JBR, your heart is right before God and you should never feel bad if you missed a service.

    Have a blessed Easter however you chose to celebrate it.

  31. I'm so glad you "are getting there". I see great progress in you just from your words that I read in your posts. I used to see my mother go through this type of treatment sometimes from her mother, my grandmother. I never understood why my grandmother was so hard on her in that way. It hurt me to watch her go through that kind of pain. The thing is, I loved both of them very much and could watch from a different perspective. It was a lesson I learned from watching that made me more than ever want to make sure my children were raised with encouragement and love and that I vocalized often by telling them how much I loved them. I'm sure what you've gone through has given you greater insight in how you want to help and encourage others.

    Today is Easter. I hope it has been a blessing for you instead of discouraging. You are a blessing to me.

    Lee Ann

  32. Sounds like you're making progress with what you need to do for your own life and that's good.

  33. JBR where are you? God Bless.