WHERE HAVE I BEEN?

Wilderness Wandering.

I have been in an extreme wilderness since last Monday.

Bringing me closer to Christ than ever before.

I am weary.

I had a lot of emotionally painful attacks happen to me last week up to the present. One right after another. Dealing from trust issues to being used and feeling condemned.

I am tired of people saying they are my friend one minute giving me advice then blow me off and condemn me the next. All the while believing they are helping me by saying what they are saying to me. When in essence, they have no clue to what they are saying is detrimental to me. I thought at least they would have some sense in their head since they have been down this same road before me. But no. Where is the sensitivity?? There is none!! Some times I wonder if it is simpler to just lie when asked if everything is okay and say, "yes?"

I am tired of fakeyness. Ugh, despise it. Despise it so much, because I was that way once!

And I am tired of myself reacting the same way that I do every time I get hurt.

I know we live in a broken world with broken people. I do realize this.

The turn of events (if you read my posts from last week) had set me up for this extreme wilderness wandering. I have never felt so emotionally weak and vulnerable in my life before. And at the same time, I have never felt so strong. Weird.

If there ever was a time that I did not want to be around anyone, this was it. I wanted to be left alone.

But, I also wanted to be loved!

Oh, how I long to feel loved!

I am so freaking tired struggling with my lack of self worth, not liking myself. I want to feel confident in just being me. Only me. And not to have to compare myself with anyone else.

I JUST WANT TO BE ME and be happy!

I have been on my knees crying out to God and digging deep within my Spirit. Such anguish came forth at times from deep within me. Sometimes I caught myself thinking how easy it would be just to die. Not saying I would do it. But, if you are honest, I am sure a lot of you can relate whether being physically in pain or emotionally in pain for a period of time, death would be welcomed.

A few times I got angry at God! Yelling at Him as to "why do I have to go through the pain? I had no control over my past. It was not my fault."

I wanted so much to numb my pain. Cutting, drinking or drugging have never been my way of anaesthetising. Sure, I could have drank, but I really did not feel like throwing up for a day after wards and what would that have proved? My way of dealing with my pain has always been to internalize and isolate. Have been "mind-walking" a lot as I have so much going on and building up inside of me, I have to get out and walk, walk, walk.

The extreme pain of loneliness that I experience is not that per sey. It is the "not being able" at this point of being content with "just myself." To be happy with me in the moment.

Right now, I cannot like myself alone.

I have to have others to like me to "feel" complete, on my terms.

I constantly question my emotions. What I am feeling, is it the "real me" or is it a "product of me?"

That is where the struggle is.

And this is where the Lord and I are determined to change it!

God I need You so much now!!

I admit I am very needy now!!

This past week there were some very harsh realities the Lord showed me during my deepest painful hours. Reminding me that my process to healing will have to take time. I did not get here over night. I have many years of warped thinking that needs adjusting.

He also impressed upon me, that I have become a little stronger each time I go through pain and deal with it. Even though it may look like a 'set-back' to me, a failure, it is not.

I have earnestly been seeking the Lord to show me with clarity one of my major strongholds in my life that hinders me from moving forward in my journey. A stronghold that evolved from my past abuse where I lost my own identity and would rather have it in other people. There is such a stronghold on my life in this area of who I am in Christ and that I am uniquely made. I cannot tell you how emotionally painful it has been over the years with a constant thinking pattern of desiring to be someone else and then "trying" to be someone else instead of what God had intended me to be. (Underlying issues of shame and guilt)

Some of you may relate. My desire to literally be someone else melted into me and overtook the real me so very long ago. Really, only those who can truly relate to me in this area, know how very painful and debilitating it is day in and day out living as someone else, that we were not intended to be, and then when we are blocked or hurt by whom we are trying to live like, that is even more painful and a whole different story.

While in my wilderness, I found that even watching television was painful at times. Seeing story lines on human relationships and contact just hurts me now. Sadly, Animal Planet was about all I could handle for a time.

Besides, t., I have been continually talking to myself repeating, I am worthy, I am uniquely made, I have a purpose and reciting Roman 8:1 over and over again, along with digging deep in the Word of God. The Recovery Bible, which I refer to a lot, has ministered to me as there are a lot of good insights into emotional pain. Below is just a sample:

"How many times have we wished that we could be someone else? Perhaps one reason we act out our addiction is that we hate our self. Self-hatred is often associated with an addictive/compulsive personality. If we don't like who we are and feel helpless to change, we can be reassured in knowing that God has the power to change us dramatically." The Recovery Bible, page 1449.