"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Monday, April 05, 2010


Wilderness Wandering.

I have been in an extreme wilderness since last Monday.

Bringing me closer to Christ than ever before.

I am weary.

I had a lot of emotionally painful attacks happen to me last week up to the present. One right after another. Dealing from trust issues to being used and feeling condemned.

I am tired of people saying they are my friend one minute giving me advice then blow me off and condemn me the next. All the while believing they are helping me by saying what they are saying to me. When in essence, they have no clue to what they are saying is detrimental to me. I thought at least they would have some sense in their head since they have been down this same road before me. But no. Where is the sensitivity?? There is none!! Some times I wonder if it is simpler to just lie when asked if everything is okay and say, "yes?"

I am tired of fakeyness. Ugh, despise it. Despise it so much, because I was that way once!

And I am tired of myself reacting the same way that I do every time I get hurt.

I know we live in a broken world with broken people. I do realize this.

The turn of events (if you read my posts from last week) had set me up for this extreme wilderness wandering. I have never felt so emotionally weak and vulnerable in my life before. And at the same time, I have never felt so strong. Weird.

If there ever was a time that I did not want to be around anyone, this was it. I wanted to be left alone.

But, I also wanted to be loved!

Oh, how I long to feel loved!

I am so freaking tired struggling with my lack of self worth, not liking myself. I want to feel confident in just being me. Only me. And not to have to compare myself with anyone else.

I JUST WANT TO BE ME and be happy!

I have been on my knees crying out to God and digging deep within my Spirit. Such anguish came forth at times from deep within me. Sometimes I caught myself thinking how easy it would be just to die. Not saying I would do it. But, if you are honest, I am sure a lot of you can relate whether being physically in pain or emotionally in pain for a period of time, death would be welcomed.

A few times I got angry at God! Yelling at Him as to "why do I have to go through the pain? I had no control over my past. It was not my fault."

I wanted so much to numb my pain. Cutting, drinking or drugging have never been my way of anaesthetising. Sure, I could have drank, but I really did not feel like throwing up for a day after wards and what would that have proved? My way of dealing with my pain has always been to internalize and isolate. Have been "mind-walking" a lot as I have so much going on and building up inside of me, I have to get out and walk, walk, walk.

The extreme pain of loneliness that I experience is not that per sey. It is the "not being able" at this point of being content with "just myself." To be happy with me in the moment.

Right now, I cannot like myself alone.

I have to have others to like me to "feel" complete, on my terms.

I constantly question my emotions. What I am feeling, is it the "real me" or is it a "product of me?"

That is where the struggle is.

And this is where the Lord and I are determined to change it!

God I need You so much now!!

I admit I am very needy now!!

This past week there were some very harsh realities the Lord showed me during my deepest painful hours. Reminding me that my process to healing will have to take time. I did not get here over night. I have many years of warped thinking that needs adjusting.

He also impressed upon me, that I have become a little stronger each time I go through pain and deal with it. Even though it may look like a 'set-back' to me, a failure, it is not.

I have earnestly been seeking the Lord to show me with clarity one of my major strongholds in my life that hinders me from moving forward in my journey. A stronghold that evolved from my past abuse where I lost my own identity and would rather have it in other people. There is such a stronghold on my life in this area of who I am in Christ and that I am uniquely made. I cannot tell you how emotionally painful it has been over the years with a constant thinking pattern of desiring to be someone else and then "trying" to be someone else instead of what God had intended me to be. (Underlying issues of shame and guilt)

Some of you may relate. My desire to literally be someone else melted into me and overtook the real me so very long ago. Really, only those who can truly relate to me in this area, know how very painful and debilitating it is day in and day out living as someone else, that we were not intended to be, and then when we are blocked or hurt by whom we are trying to live like, that is even more painful and a whole different story.

While in my wilderness, I found that even watching television was painful at times. Seeing story lines on human relationships and contact just hurts me now. Sadly, Animal Planet was about all I could handle for a time.

Besides, t., I have been continually talking to myself repeating, I am worthy, I am uniquely made, I have a purpose and reciting Roman 8:1 over and over again, along with digging deep in the Word of God. The Recovery Bible, which I refer to a lot, has ministered to me as there are a lot of good insights into emotional pain. Below is just a sample:

"How many times have we wished that we could be someone else? Perhaps one reason we act out our addiction is that we hate our self. Self-hatred is often associated with an addictive/compulsive personality. If we don't like who we are and feel helpless to change, we can be reassured in knowing that God has the power to change us dramatically." The Recovery Bible, page 1449.


  1. Here listening and sending love and hugs....(((JBR)))


  2. SO glad you chose to post how you are. I've been there, and it just sucks to have to wrestle in the pain. Keep fighting. You are worth it, JBR! ((YOU))


  3. I've been thinking about you,wishing I had the healing words to say. Your love for God inspires me. You continue to seek Him when life seems so hopeless. Abuse kills one's ability to love and trust,yet you go on. I was literally going through the house yelling at God when I set down at the computer. I see all kinds of hope and goodness in you. I see that you can change others lives. Please don't give up on yourself and I'll try to do the same.

  4. JBR (I typed L on 'accident for Loved ooops there really are no ooops) I desperately want you to know from my soul that the words I am typing are not words I related to absolutely everything you typed I KNOW...and I am sobbing...and sooo grateful to have just casually have 'stopped by' tonite as one might have stopped by a friends house to check on a friend...
    I can honestly say at this moment I have never ever felt more connect to a survivor or more alive to anyone that has been a survivor than i do right now at this moment
    thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. the Holy Spirit is just telling me to type thank you over and over again because you need to hear it. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you.
    me, Lisa, am soo glad that you are struggling, fighting, going through and not around or over or under but THROUGH, and it is a frickin miracle..you are a frickin miracle..you are going through it and I thank you. you are amazing right now in all your pain and struggle and ugly you are a beautiful woman who is sooo worthy of love and affection and need and desire and beauty and grace and tenderness thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you
    you as people to jbr well sweetie i have never before channeled the Holy Spirit when typing on someone else's blog before so I thank you. i don't say that to brag i say that because you are an amazing woman an amazing woman thank you Jesus and I love you and I will be praying that God's will be done in your life. thank you.

  5. JBR,

    Here is hoping that during this time of soul searching God was able to give you peace that surpasses all understanding, strength to get through things one day at a time, and grace to realize you need Him to help you through it all. Some people can be flawed in their ability to help yet God is flawless and unchanging every day.

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

  6. I continue to pray for you, Precious One! You are never far from my thoughts. It is amazing to me that you are choosing to open your wounds and make them even more raw by sharing with us, but PRAISE GOD, you ARE! Each post draws you closer to the end of your journey.

    Keep your chin up, my friend. We are all here with you!


  7. There you are JBR! :) :)
    This post by far is raw in its element and emotions. May God continue to strengthen you to receive that love you so deserve. God Bless.

  8. Sending virtual (((((hugs))))) your JBR. Definitely can relate to some of the things you say. But you have certainly turned to the right place for breaking the bondages.

  9. Thank you for sharing your hurts and your precious heart. You bless me and encourage me.

  10. Just open your mind and leave your heart in God's loving hand. The peace will come.

  11. JBR,
    I feel all that you have said. I identify with the not wanting to be around others, not liking myself, not wanting to watch anything regarding relationships on TV. Uggghhh! Been there. Can remember so clearly. My prayers are definitely with you. Cling to God with everything you have. He will get you through it all. Believe me, He did it for me and He'll do it for you. Many prayers and hugs coming to you.
    God Bless!

  12. Yeah for the increased inner strength JBR!

    I don't have the same struggles you do but I see you getting stronger and more confident about yourself and your actions each time a new crisis appears. What progress you have made in just the last few months.

    Glad you are taking some Animal Planet downtime since your emotional cup overfloweth right now. sounds like a great coping mechanism to me!!! I am sure your birdies appreciate it too!

  13. Praying love and sweet peace all over your life.

  14. This sentence says it all...

    "And this is where the Lord and I are determined to change it!"

    You are not alone...

  15. When we are tired of it all, He is our rest and our strength. Praying for you!

  16. Love and hugs to you JBR, I am SO with you on being tired of fakeyness x

  17. JBR Without a doubt, there are people in your life who just rub you the wrong way. People who bother you can easily disrupt your peace if you let them. Continue working on your journey seeking God. He will pull you through.

  18. stuck-in-the-middleApril 06, 2010

    JBR I'm proud of you! Keep keeping on.

  19. Thank you for your visit and your encouraging words. I relate to alot that you have said, but time and again it comes down to self love...no one will love you if you don't love and respect yourself...You know what? Why don't you practice and play your guitar instead of dealing with all those people who are bringing you down...You will get self satistaction from the learning of the guitar which will bring you more satisfaction with yourself and then the love can come from that....put all the energy into something else. when you are doing music your mind doesn't have the chance to go elsewhere...the focus is on learning.

  20. My wife has many of the issues that you describe. She recently read Emmet Fox's "Sermon on the Mount" and feels like it's made a huge difference to her. Just remember--you are cared for!

  21. Sweetie you pulled at my heart strings. I can't stop crying with what you've written. It's going to get better. Trust me. No, trust him! You're loved.

  22. bless you JBR thanks for being so real. May God heal your heart soon. Your an inspiration to many of us.

  23. JBR...it is "just" a feeling I'm having, that you are at the rim of a new level of healing, and so many are here to support you--those who KNOW right where you are.

    Blessings--for REAL!

  24. JBR,
    I am so sorry that you are struggling so much. I pray for you every day and will continue. The Lord often comes in during our weakest moments. The Holy Spirit never stops working. Never. You ARE beautiful to Him and He hears all your prayers. It's good to pour your heart out to Him, I do this all the time. He is a big God and can handle anger, too :)

  25. Your description of the pain made me hurt! I pray you get over this wave of hurt with God's help. I know you are going to make it, dear one!

  26. J.B.R.,

    The only person that has to like you is your God. At times when I feel like ending my life and I do because I have schizophernia, I lay on my bed and cry. I look over at my dresser and you know what I see? My picture of the Scared Heart of Jesus. He is always smiling at me and His eyes are so beautiful. I know that it is only an artist's imagnation of what Jesus' eyes must look like, but they just make me think Jesus is looking at me. He is not up in Heaven, but He's down here with me! He loves me and that's all that matters. Jesus is my bridegroom and will always be. I will pray for you that you will like yourself, but I find it's eaiser to realize that your God loves you first. When I was very sick an ederly women I was in a prayer group with said to look in the mirror every day and say, "I am a child of God." It really helped me!


  27. I knew when I went to pay my visit to your blog, and there was nothing posted for a few days you were dealing with some heavy stuff. If there is anyone, and I'm sure there are many, I can relate to everything you are saying-screaming out in such a bold, brave way, which speaks volumes to me. I have been in the same place these past two weeks and I do know and understand the agony of it all. Let's keep "getting back up" and continuing our journey God has for us. Someone once told me a "breakdown" is really a "breakthrough."

    Max Lucado wrote in one of his Inspirational Promises book I read just this a.m.: "Jesus Cares for Us.....The Shepherd knows his sheep. He calls them by name. When we see a crowd....We see people, not persons, but people.. A herd of humans. A flock of faces. That's what we see.

    But not so with the Shepherd. To Him every face is different. Every face is a story. Every face is a child. Every child has a name...

    The Shepherd knows his sheep. He knows each one by name. The Shepherd knows you. He knows your name. And He will never forget it. ~When God Whispers Your Name
    Praying for you my beloved. Janie

  28. My dear friend, I went through a very difficult illness in 2005. I spent the days alone, tied to a recliner filled with pillows that I adjusted every 10 minutes (it seemed) just trying to get comfortable, the pain was so awful I felt I was being cut into. I had begun early on praying every day for healing. As I instead grew worse and the pain became excrutiating, I would cry and cry out to God "WHY WON'T YOU HELP ME?"

    Obviously, I lived, but it was a 7-month ordeal. After all was said and done, and a couple of years later, I realized that God had brought me HOME, but not before He brought me to my knees. I was extremely humbled by His Grace.

    I had turned away from him as a young woman, but He was always there. I know that now. The illness was, to me, His lesson on exactly WHO is in charge of my life and I learned it well.

    Dear one, I want you to find peace so badly, I pray for you and your difficult journey. I do believe you will make it to your destination. Trouble is, YOU need to believe it. Believe in yourself, hard as it is, YOU ARE LOVED! Look at all the commments of those who are devoted to you through your blog.

    I pray for your peace of mind and your confidence in yourself.


  29. Hey sweetie, I am so sorry you are going through this. I understand the agony of it. And I know even words of truth, encouragement, are not always helpful when we are in the dessert.

    I just want you to know I hear you.

    This is from the book "Truefaced" I know you know this, but it might help to hear it again.

    "God is not interested in changing you. He already has. The new DNA is set. God wants you to believe that he has already changed you so that he can get on with the process of maturing you into who you already are. Trust opens the way for this process - for God to bring you to maturity."

    Sweetie can you try to rest, knowing God has changed you?? I know it does not take away the pain you are experiencing, but can you see a hint of light knowing he is working.

    Father, grant JBR moments of light, sight, rest, in her journey.

    love and hugs!!!!!!

  30. It's not by accident I arrived here at your blog.  Your words have inspired me and I would just want to share with you that just as the Word of God is filled with encouraging Bible verses, so also should our hearts be filled with His promises. For during trying moments when we're in need of an encouraging word we can be certain to find comfort in those Bible verses that we've learned to meditate on and commit to memory. My favorite one is  to cast your burden on the LORD, And He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.May His peace be with you Just Be Real.Oscar Salva - Christ's Hearthttp://heartofchrist.blogspot.com/

  31. You are on the right path sweetie and I am thrilled that your are getting stronger. I so wish I could reach through this screen and grab you up givin' ya a big old hug. My prayers are gonna have to do. I so continue to pray the peace of God and awareness of your worthiness upon you. Your not walking in this wilderness alone. You are precious and a child of the King!

    God bless and have a wonderful Wednesday!!!

  32. I'm sorry i've not been around. I've been very ill. Cathching up on blogs now. Sorry for your pain JBR. Praying your recovery will soon be less painful. Hugs to you