"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Friday, May 07, 2010



This past week when I was quiet more or less in the bloggysphere, the Lord was continually working in my heart.

I believe I have become more open to Him these days, and He is revealing to me more and more things I am ready for. Not all pleasant.

Just coming off a great Sonday of worship and intense Holy Spirit healing, things started to change come Monday. That is when I shared in my blog that I had one of the worst emotional days of my journey yet.

Hard to explain what I have been going through. The best is that He was preparing to open me up more emotionally by using a cockroach and a fallen sparrow. What a combination huh?

Monday into Tuesday morning around 2:00 a.m., I was awoken by my 21 year old male cockatiel thrashing in his cage. When I hear this I shudder. As I know it can only be one thing, "A BUG!" A big gross ugly freaking cockroach. Well, at 2:00 in the morning I am in no mood to tackle this thing. But, I did get up and quickly turned a light on in the 'birds' room so he would settle down and went back to bed. Only to be awoken an hour later with my cockatiel once again thrashing in the cage. I then knew that 'BUG' was still around. I drifted back to sleep for a couple more hours when I awoke with a dread knowing I had to at least go in and check on my birds and to see if that "BUG" was anywhere to be found. Hoping it was long gone by now. No such luck.

I stepped into the room normally looking around the cage for the thing, when something caught my eye to look up at the ceiling. AHHHHHHHHHHH----- I screamed. (My neighbors below me probably thought I was being killed). I ran to get the bug spray and proceeded to spray that ugly cockroach a/k/a here in Florida as Palmetto Bugs with wings. That sucker flew from the ceiling after I sprayed it and flew on to me. AHHHHHHHHHHHH----------- (I was waiting any minute for a knock on my door to see if I was okay from down stairs) Without thinking I proceeded to spray myself with bug spray! Then the bugger falls to the floor and scurries down the hall, me chasing behind spraying it all the way and pleading for it not to make an immediate left into my bedroom. It did not. But it decided to go out into my dining area and die.

As much as I hate these Palmetto Bugs, I really become a basket case knowing that I will have to give it a water burial and pick up the thing in wads and wads of toilet paper, I could not stand for the thing suffering! Watching it kick its legs, knowing it is in agony from the spay. I became so emotionally distraught. I began yelling at it apologizing how very sorry for the pain it was enduring, and crying uncontrollably! I felt such compassion for the ugly diseased critter. I was an emotional wreck and had to pull myself together in order to get ready for work that morning.

Okay, if that was not bad enough.

The following morning, Wednesday, I was waiting at a very long traffic light on my way to work. I was the first in line. Sparrows like to make nests in the traffic lights themselves.

Well out of nowhere, plops down from the nest a baby sparrow landing on the pavement right in front of me. Immediately its parents flew down right by its side trying to get it up. Like they knew danger was soon to happen. It just kept on fluttering.

Again, I started screaming AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH--- "God what are you doing to me? Why are you making me witness this pain where I cannot do a thing about the suffering?" I started crying hysterically in my car knowing once the light turned green, cars would be coming right in the path of that fallen sparrow and I Could Not Do A Thing About It, except avoid the baby bird myself and knowing that it WOULD NOT BE ME that would kill it.

I could not stop screaming and saying, "No, No, No, I don't want to see this, why God why?" There was no time to get out and help the bird and it was such a busy intersection I would be putting myself at risk. Sure enough the light turns green, I am the first to go, and I do a big curve to avoid hitting the bird hoping the other cars behind me would catch on to the situation. But, NO! The SUV who was behind me and had not a clue to what was happening and just barreled through the intersection taking the baby bird with it under its wheels. I could not stop crying and yelling to God, "why did you let this happen to me?" I was such an emotional wreck when I arrived at work I had to seek out someone to pray for me and to vent to.

Did you catch that? What I said to God? "God why did you let this happen to me?"

Okay the night before it was the Palmetto Bug dying in front of me and I am all hurting because it is in pain. Then the fallen sparrow which I knew in a matter of seconds would loose its life and I could NOT do a thing about it. Then on Thursday, in t. when we had a "A-ha" moment of realization that I depend on having feelings first before making a decision and always wonder why I do not feel this or that. I will share more of this "A-Ha" moment in another post.

This was not an easy week for me nor an easy post to make. I have just relived the whole pain thing again by typing this post.

Amazing how God used two things, one I really cannot stand, the Palmetto Bug and the other which is dear to me, a bird. Attaining the same results from me which says it all in the paragraph below.

I only tell you all this, to show any of you out there who also suffer similar experiences, these painful instances showed me I was the helpless one. I was the baby sparrow, I was, ugh, the cockroach, when I was being abused, neglected, shamed, made fun of, etc. and I could NOT do a thing about it. Why God had to show me these painful events, I may not fully know. But, I have some idea and that is even though I do not recall pleading out loud when I was being abused, I am sure as all-get-out I was pleading inside my head screaming, no, no, no!


  1. What beautiful stories and thoughts JBR. I was laughing out loud at the first one... been there! But the baby bird got me too, I wonder if that's how God felt when he 'pushed' Jesus out of the nest and into our lives to change them forever.

    Good writing and good work... it all comes at a price, and you're doing great!



  2. AnonymousMay 07, 2010

    I'm trying to find the words, but I'm having trouble. It must have been horrible for you to witness those events. I can tell you are an animal sympathizer like me. Hopefully their pain (and yours) is over now.

  3. Sweetie what a post! I'm here looking and sharing with a coworker what you wrote and we're both crying. I'm sorry to what you've experienced. But God has his reasons. Hope you'll be better for this.

  4. JBR,
    I'm sorry JBR that anyone ever made a beautiful child of God feel like a bug or crushed sparrow. I cried when I read this. Not so much because of the animals but because of your pain. God will surely finish the work He is doing in you and you will be amazed at the transformation. Have you ever read Jeremiah ch. 1:17-19? These words helped me a lot. Trust that He will make you "a pillar of iron, a wall of brass". He will not leave you crushed on the ground but will lift you up. You are in my prayers.

  5. JBR, I am in tears too. I knew as I was reading why you were feeling as you were. It was your inner child remembering the helplessness of being abused and it not being in your control to stop. Tears and feelings about this are good. They are healing for both of us. These kind of feelings are where I am today as well. And why is God doing this to us? Because today we are strong enough to face it, deal with it and heal it. (((Hugs to you.))) The compassion that you felt for those animals, feel for yourself. You deserve it.

  6. God cares for all in His creation, even cockroaches. But perhaps He wants you to know that you have been spared because He loves you, even more than the sparrow or the cockroach. We humans are His most precious children of all. You spoke of doubts about God. I tell you now that I can see the positive meaning in these two "events" that upset you so. Sometimes, God allows us to go through things so that He can bring us through it, and therefore, we learn of his loving mercy and care.

    I am such a bug-aphobic ... even if they are dead, I make my husband pick them up with the tissue and flush them. I can't even do that much!

    Do not fret, dear one. The sparrow flies freely in heaven with all of the other birds who have gone to be with the Heavenly Father. One day, you will fly home, too, and it will take away all pain and any memory of it.

    Love you,

  7. Thank you for being such a compassionate person, love you.

  8. Your story made me wonder, as I have so often with frustration, about suffering and injustice. I closed my eyes and asked God to speak into that place....that "what the hell?!?!" thing that happens in my heart when it aches over pain that seems to serve no purpose other than to just damage and wreck havoc.
    "Where were YOU?", my heart seems to demand of God.

    And I sensed that, well, He was there....with massive grace for those creatures. I believe they felt it, too.

    I was reminded of the buckets of tears I cried over my little boy when he was four and suffered a demeaning trauma. My child was damaged. My fear shut my eyes to the grace that was hovering over him....healing and helping him...while I remained stuck in my grief. My overwhelming fear kept that same grace from smoothing the knots from my soul for a decade. I was so, so afraid that the pain would swallow us alive.....that God wasn't really enough. (Of course, I couldn't deliver myself from the fear any more than I could heal the wounds).

    But like a nurse in an emergency room who leans over and says "look at me....you're going to get through this. I promise...it'll be alright"....grace is there for the suffering. And when we believe her (lady grace), the fear loses some grip and comfort pours over our agitation like neosporin ointment for our souls. It's a balm; it was there for the sparrows, the cockroach (maybe they have no trouble believing He is for them)and I think it is always there for each one of us, too. It seems to get re-applied every time we believe He is enough.
    Gosh, I hope this communicates what my heart really means.
    With you and for you,

  9. I left something for you on my blog .... ;)

  10. AnonymousMay 07, 2010

    JBR as I said in the past there is no putting God in a box. His reasoning is not ours. I was very moved by this post. I see others were as well. May the spirit continue to work on you as you draw closer to him. God Bless.

  11. Thank you for sharing your healing process. It means more than I can express.

  12. wow. that' is an amazing revelation. I pictured you with that bug though...hate bugs...I remember the roaches...yuck yuck and double yuck. Your healing journey inspires. Stay strong out there...and safe...

  13. AnonymousMay 07, 2010

    god can use some pretty interesting characters in our lives to get our attention. Praying for a succcessful recovery always.

  14. Sorry JBR - have lived with Palmetto bugs - my brother had a cat that would catch them like mice. I'm still shuddering that one landed on you! Great that you can take such negatives and make positives out of them...

  15. Indeed, GOD is working mightily in your heart to uncover and heal those bruised and battered places. HE is using the circumstances around you to speak loudly. Thank you so much for faithfully sharing your heart, life, and experiences with each of us.
    Hugs, prayers, and blessings, andrea

  16. Oh darling, you sensitive sweet little bird...

  17. MarjorieMay 08, 2010

    Your blog brings me closer to the realization that I need help. I hoppped on over from Darlene's blog. I'll be back to read more.


  18. Yep, giving our power (at a very young age or older age as myself) to another person is not a good thing. I loved the last paragraph. The previous comment about "having feelings first and then making a decision" was huge. I so related to that. I experienced that in March when I went to Atlanta and through out the entire month of April.! I want to remember these important statements. How such unexpected "natural events" can even send such great messages. Hope you have a better week as well as myself and prying for that my dear one. xxxooo janie

  19. AnonymousMay 08, 2010

    I like what I read. Thanks.

  20. i find it neat the way God gets our attention...seems lik eyou have some pretty clear insights...hope you have a great mothers day weekend...

  21. Thank you for sharing that beautiful story. Coming to terms with one's own helpless is deeply painful, but the pain is wholly different than the pain of false self-blame.

    It is so much easier to take control and blame ourselves, but there are times we truly are helpless. False blame destroys whereas honest acceptance of helpless opens the doors to healing. I pray that you will see many doors open in the coming weeks.