THE COCKROACH and THE FALLEN SPARROW

***MAY TRIGGER***
This past week when I was quiet more or less in the bloggysphere, the Lord was continually working in my heart.

I believe I have become more open to Him these days, and He is revealing to me more and more things I am ready for. Not all pleasant.

Just coming off a great Sonday of worship and intense Holy Spirit healing, things started to change come Monday. That is when I shared in my blog that I had one of the worst emotional days of my journey yet.

Hard to explain what I have been going through. The best is that He was preparing to open me up more emotionally by using a cockroach and a fallen sparrow. What a combination huh?

Monday into Tuesday morning around 2:00 a.m., I was awoken by my 21 year old male cockatiel thrashing in his cage. When I hear this I shudder. As I know it can only be one thing, "A BUG!" A big gross ugly freaking cockroach. Well, at 2:00 in the morning I am in no mood to tackle this thing. But, I did get up and quickly turned a light on in the 'birds' room so he would settle down and went back to bed. Only to be awoken an hour later with my cockatiel once again thrashing in the cage. I then knew that 'BUG' was still around. I drifted back to sleep for a couple more hours when I awoke with a dread knowing I had to at least go in and check on my birds and to see if that "BUG" was anywhere to be found. Hoping it was long gone by now. No such luck.

I stepped into the room normally looking around the cage for the thing, when something caught my eye to look up at the ceiling. AHHHHHHHHHHH----- I screamed. (My neighbors below me probably thought I was being killed). I ran to get the bug spray and proceeded to spray that ugly cockroach a/k/a here in Florida as Palmetto Bugs with wings. That sucker flew from the ceiling after I sprayed it and flew on to me. AHHHHHHHHHHHH----------- (I was waiting any minute for a knock on my door to see if I was okay from down stairs) Without thinking I proceeded to spray myself with bug spray! Then the bugger falls to the floor and scurries down the hall, me chasing behind spraying it all the way and pleading for it not to make an immediate left into my bedroom. It did not. But it decided to go out into my dining area and die.

As much as I hate these Palmetto Bugs, I really become a basket case knowing that I will have to give it a water burial and pick up the thing in wads and wads of toilet paper, I could not stand for the thing suffering! Watching it kick its legs, knowing it is in agony from the spay. I became so emotionally distraught. I began yelling at it apologizing how very sorry for the pain it was enduring, and crying uncontrollably! I felt such compassion for the ugly diseased critter. I was an emotional wreck and had to pull myself together in order to get ready for work that morning.

Okay, if that was not bad enough.



The following morning, Wednesday, I was waiting at a very long traffic light on my way to work. I was the first in line. Sparrows like to make nests in the traffic lights themselves.

Well out of nowhere, plops down from the nest a baby sparrow landing on the pavement right in front of me. Immediately its parents flew down right by its side trying to get it up. Like they knew danger was soon to happen. It just kept on fluttering.

Again, I started screaming AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH--- "God what are you doing to me? Why are you making me witness this pain where I cannot do a thing about the suffering?" I started crying hysterically in my car knowing once the light turned green, cars would be coming right in the path of that fallen sparrow and I Could Not Do A Thing About It, except avoid the baby bird myself and knowing that it WOULD NOT BE ME that would kill it.

I could not stop screaming and saying, "No, No, No, I don't want to see this, why God why?" There was no time to get out and help the bird and it was such a busy intersection I would be putting myself at risk. Sure enough the light turns green, I am the first to go, and I do a big curve to avoid hitting the bird hoping the other cars behind me would catch on to the situation. But, NO! The SUV who was behind me and had not a clue to what was happening and just barreled through the intersection taking the baby bird with it under its wheels. I could not stop crying and yelling to God, "why did you let this happen to me?" I was such an emotional wreck when I arrived at work I had to seek out someone to pray for me and to vent to.

Did you catch that? What I said to God? "God why did you let this happen to me?"

Okay the night before it was the Palmetto Bug dying in front of me and I am all hurting because it is in pain. Then the fallen sparrow which I knew in a matter of seconds would loose its life and I could NOT do a thing about it. Then on Thursday, in t. when we had a "A-ha" moment of realization that I depend on having feelings first before making a decision and always wonder why I do not feel this or that. I will share more of this "A-Ha" moment in another post.

This was not an easy week for me nor an easy post to make. I have just relived the whole pain thing again by typing this post.

Amazing how God used two things, one I really cannot stand, the Palmetto Bug and the other which is dear to me, a bird. Attaining the same results from me which says it all in the paragraph below.

I only tell you all this, to show any of you out there who also suffer similar experiences, these painful instances showed me I was the helpless one. I was the baby sparrow, I was, ugh, the cockroach, when I was being abused, neglected, shamed, made fun of, etc. and I could NOT do a thing about it. Why God had to show me these painful events, I may not fully know. But, I have some idea and that is even though I do not recall pleading out loud when I was being abused, I am sure as all-get-out I was pleading inside my head screaming, no, no, no!