"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


****May Trigger****
The enemy and my past of being sexually abused has been playing havoc on my mind heavily these past couple of weeks more than ever. Really burdensome.

It is interesting though that I had that brief "vision" which I believe was from the Lord the other day, to show me just how much Satan is holding captive my memories. Especially in the area of sex. I know sex and death are two of Satan's favorite play grounds. Anything that steals our joy really.

A constant reminder, but more prevalent these days to me is the reoccurring thoughts of "I will never be able to have a healthy relationship with the opposite sex."

Right now I am just so fearful in this area. Fear of getting hurt, being overpowered, not being able to relate, fear of not being able to satisfy. I only know what the abuse brought on, not pleasure but fear along with misconceptions on sex being the main focal point of a relationship. Also, who would even be interested in me? Some types of men scare me just looking at them. Do not trust men. Just thinking about sex scares me and at the same time grieves me terribly because of the fear and what was intended for good, I missed out because of the abuse at such a young age and being exposed to porno! Then having the screwed up mind set of feeling guilty and the burning shame. God is working with me on the shame.

I guess as I am allowing (trusting Him at least a bit more) the Lord to move in with my "deep cleaning" towards healing, He is then revealing more deeper core issues that I need to see and deal with .

I do not know where I am going with this, but it is where I am at right now.


  1. Praying for the Lord's continued guidance and wisdom for you JBR! God bless you and protect you.

  2. God will guide you through all of this my friend, love you.

  3. Sex and death are not the playgrounds...shame and guilt are...let go of the shame and the guilt...because they are not yours, they belong to the people who did what they did to you...and you will find your peace, you will find yourself, you will find God!

  4. JBR,

    Only God knows the plans He has in store for you and they include complete healing and restored relationships in time.

    Love and Hugs ~~ Kat

  5. AnonymousMay 26, 2010

    I can relate to pretty much all of what you're saying in this post. I wish it weren't so difficult and scary. I just want you to know that what you are going through-- you are not alone.

    I'm here to listen,

  6. It takes a LONGGGGGGGG time to heal from sexual abuse... I sometimes wonder if I am still damaged from my past due to my feelings about sexuality in general. While I don't have issues with trusting men-- or connecting sexually-- I used to -- prior to my husband there had not been a man in my life who hadn't abused me in some way-- so I know what you mean... I sure hope that healing comes so that you can have the life that God wants you to have.... (((( GIANT HUGS))))

  7. I've been where you are. My advice is one step at a time. And pray - lots. When you are ready, the Lord will find you a partner you will want to spend the rest of your life with because you will discover that you can love and trust this person. The rest will follow.

  8. The Lord can heal every single area of our lives...keep trusting in Him....

  9. "I do not know where I am going with this, but it is where I am at right now." This is a good spot to be in...meeting yourself right where you are.

  10. One piece at a time, GOD will continue to heal those most painful places in your heart.

  11. The entire world needs an "adjustment" on sexual issues. What God created for good has become perverse in all kinds of ways. Healing would probably be easier if everyone's hearts and minds were clean. Women tend to bear the brunt of the harm in this area (though not always). Maybe we should pray for this. I hate the thought of my daughter growing up and thinking people's views on sexuality are normal. They are not. It is hard to trust the intentions of others in this area when we see what's going on in society.

  12. AnonymousMay 26, 2010

    Your forthright honesty amazes me on such a touchy subject. Only wishing the best for you JBR. God Bless.

  13. Some things we may never be ok with and I'm learning to just let go and accept that. What happened changed us...it caused us to move in the world differently that how we would have had we not gone through what we did. You're a blessing...an amazing blessing.

  14. I can relate to such feelings, though for different reasons. You have made progress and I believe in you. A day at a time is all one can do.

    Take care! *hugs* <3

  15. you are invited to follow my blog

  16. 'Do not be afraid' ..is what He always says.

    Praying for you dear.

  17. "I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security."
    Jeremiah 33:6

    Peace and healing will come, precious one and God is with you every step of the way!


  18. Hi JBR!

    i praise God for your "realness" in sharing your wounded past...i, too had the same experience and have brought so much confusion in my life and is now affecting my midlife that i really have to negotiate with...it's a difficult journey but healing is in the process...remember, ours might have been a broken past, so that the pieces may be fed to a multitude today...blessings...go gently my dear wounded healer!...

  19. AnonymousMay 27, 2010

    Dear God, I can no longer bear this pain alone. You know every feeling and secret locked in my heart. It is time, Lord, to open my heart and share my sufferings with those who can help me. Give me the courage to learn more about the sexual trauma that has so affected my life. Though I may not understand why this has happend to me, may I take comfort in the fact that I am not to blame, and realize that I am not the only person who has been abused in this way.

    Guide me to find the faith and help I need to gain confidence in mind and body, develop trust in others, and experience hope for a happy, healthy life. Lord, I know that with Your love, my physical and emotional wounds will be healed. Amen.

  20. JBR, it is so normal, so common that these fears and frights come up for a certain amount of time in this strength. Yet you will moe on and will learn and accept that sex is currently only theoretical in you mind. You are far to busy with yourself currently and it takes two to tango, right ;-) Time will come where you feel more settled in your self and while there will be still some freights around you will approach the topic with a bit more confidence and assurance. You do the very best you can to get there, getting to know and lvoe yourself. You will have so much to give then into a romantic relation. And like with youself a romantic relation normally isnt rushed either. You get to know the person, establish emootional bonding and boundaries, intimacy and then you more on to teh next stage. Step by step. It is ok as it is for now, you do all you can and "what" and "if's" about a future is not helping you. They are time wasters and energy suckers. You do the best you can and no one can expect moe of you. Particulary not JBR herself. Dear One, please be gentle with yourself, dont create more pressure for yourself about a romantic relation in the future. Love from my heart to yours.

  21. stuck-in-the-middleMay 27, 2010

    Praying for you JBR Have a good Memorial Weekend. Hang in there.

  22. Hey JBR,
    And another of the enemy's strategies is his accusations of, "you'll never recover," or "you'll never have a healthy relationship with the opposite sex."

    But these are more lies and deception, and our God is bigger than them all.

    God bless

  23. what was done to you was not fair...God though can restore...

  24. hi JBR, i can relate to your feelings and always felt that way in my past. i thought i was so damaged and full of fear that i would never find a safe person i could ever feel comfortable enough in that way. and i was also worried i would be a disappointment to whoever might want to have a relationship with me. i still struggle with some of those feelings even now. i know in my heart that this is all fear and shame that it makes perfect sense i would have and there is nothing actually wrong with me. there was something wrong with the people and the world i lived in that shaped those feelings. this world definitely needs improvement. and it is through healing and people working together as you do here on your blog. finding their way to healing and safety that will help make this world what it needs to be. and there are lots of other people who feel this way too. so i believe that there are definitely people in this world you would feel safe with and one day be able to love when you feel ready. but don't push yourself either. it's ok to be wherever you are in your path today - in this moment.

    wishing you well today and always ~~~

  25. I am so glad you can be so open about this. It will help you. I hope you find the kind of man that I found, or who found me! Even so, I still have issues. Peace and hugs.

  26. I know God can heal the pain, but it's the memories that come back and take you to a bad place. I pray you're able to replace those thoughts with good ones, that God will clear your mind of any bad images and experiences and replace them with his comfort and love. Wishing you the best!

  27. HIDDEN NO MOREMay 29, 2010


  28. I pray God's love will fill us up to overflowing so that there is no more room for shame, guilt and being controlled by our pasts. Thank you for this post. There have been awesome testimonies of inner healing from IHOP Kansas City. God is working!