"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

DEALING WITH A CO-DEPENDENT

Ahhh..... my week continues to get better and better (sarcasm).

Tonight my mother confronted me with not spending enough time with her. She also wanted our telephone conversations to be more meaningful and more lengthy.

Being I am trying to break "my side" of codependency with my mother, she is ramping up "her side" with her fears and panic. She insists I am keeping secrets from her. That when I speak to her I do not give her enough details into my life.

I tried to make light of our conversation tonight and say I would come up with some more things to say. Make things up for her. She did not like that either. She again insisted I am keeping "my life" from her. Yeah "MY LIFE." Well..... yeah I am.

Our conversation ticked me off! Ticked me off because of her forceful nature.

She thew unbelievable guilt trips my way by saying, "I am not the daughter I used to be." Bringing up little notes I used to leave her saying how much I loved her and that she was the best. Over the weekend she showed me a picture of myself and her and said, "this is the daughter I used to know." She "wants" (insists) me to spend more time with her over the weekends. See her more often. She said I am deliberately not interested in her life anymore because I do not open up her emails fast enough or comment about them or just comment to her about life in general. She told me to, "think about how I have been acting these past months and compare how I used to be." It is my fault. Oh man it took all of me to contain myself on that one.

I do realize she is feeling the effects of me breaking away and she is now finally approaching me more sternly. I do realize she is feeling the effects of withdrawals and since she is NOT in counseling, she is reacting typically. So I do hurt for her with that regard only.

Anyway.... I found a devotional below for any of you who also struggle with co-dependent family members. This devotional below may shed some light and be some of a comfort.


I was forty-six years old before I finally admitted to myself and someone else that my grandfather always managed to make me feel guilty, angry, and controlled.
—Anonymous

We may love and care about our family very much. Family members may love and care about us. But interacting with some members may be a real trigger to our codependency - sometimes to a deep abyss of shame, rage, anger, guilt, and helplessness.

It can be difficult to achieve detachment, or an emotional level, with certain family members. It can be difficult to separate their issues from ours. It can be difficult to own our power.

Difficult, but not impossible.

The first step is awareness and acceptance - simple acknowledgment, without guilt, of our feelings and thoughts. We do not have to blame our family members. We do not have to blame or shame ourselves. Acceptance is the goal - acceptance and freedom to choose what we want and need to do to take care of ourselves with that person. We can become free of the patterns of the past. We are recovering. Progress is the goal.

Today, Higher Power, help me be patient with myself as I learn how to apply recovery behaviors with family members. Help me strive today for awareness and acceptance.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

20 comments:

  1. phew!!! I relate to this in so many ways. All I could think of was “did your mother treat you better when you behaved in the “other way”...I doubt it...she probably still treated you badly. They do this to us to control us...to make us go with their wishes. We become their little puppets and when we finally stop, they go ballistic...but they were that way before as well. Dig your heels in!!!! Do not give up! you are worth it. your life begins today for you to live if as you choose. Too bad you can’t move to Europe! hang tight kid, i’m on your side..

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  2. Prayers and blessing to you..but also to your mum so that she can see she hasn't lost a daughter, so she can appreciate the things you do give her.

    hugs,
    Lyn

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  3. Well, thank the good Lord that you aren't the daughter you used to be! I'm so proud of you!

    Co-dependency is such a sneaking little fellow that grows into a giant in our lives if we don't tame it and demand it to flee. Even though many years ago, through counseling and the Lord's help, I learned how to recognize and rid codependent tendencies, every now and then one will pop up where and when I least expect it. I think we are all on a journey (that piece of clay) to becoming the beautiful vessel God created us to be. Gotta love the journey, right?

    Just reading your post made me smile because of all that you have learned and now can see the bondage from another standpoint, that being your mother's. You just may become a counselor yourself after all of this.

    So proud of you big hug,
    Lee Ann

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  4. JBR I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. Stay strong. I'm standing beside you.

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  5. JBR I know how much of a people pleaser "you were". So, it would seem that if we put a people-pleaser with a needy person, we would have an ideal fit. We don’t. What we have is co-dependence. Proud of you to see what's going on with your mother and you.

    You're becoming stronger and thus your sick of the co-dependent relationship and having to deal with the burden of being out-of-sync. What may happen next is the threat of change which your mother is experiencing. This change of course does not go over well with the other individual. There is massive resistance. Rejection possibly on both parties. I think you've alluded to the fears of rejection. Your mother certainly does. But all in all JBR in time the full break will come about. Wait upon God's timing. God Bless.

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  6. "Progress is the goal."...looks like you are doing a great job at that!

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  7. Wow, it sounds like your mom was really trying to be manipulative with her guilt. It must be very hard. Stay strong, darling! You are your own person.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  8. Oh, sweetie~

    I am sorry you are having such a rough time of it lately. Please know I am praying for you!

    Love and ((((HUGS))))~
    Laura

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  9. Ah yes, JBR, but YOU have CONTROL of HOW YOU FEEL! Your mother cannot make you feel anything unless YOU allow it ... I would ask t. how to handle these ever stronger confrontations. It is silly for her to read "little notes" and tell you she wants "that" daughter ... makes me angry! Sorry .... you gotta stop worrying about anyone but JBR. Your mother made her bed, and it appears she's not sleeping so well. Tell her to take a pill and chill out!

    Much love,
    Abbey ♥

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  10. JBR, it's sad when our own families are the very ones who hurt us the most. May your mom see that you're always the same, loving daughter who is just wanting her own space. God bless.

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  11. Thank you for sharing this JBR! Sometimes when I get told what your mother says, I feel a little guilty for not being the old way. Thank you for reminding me that others don't have to like that we are trying to treat ourselves better. Take care! *hugs* <3

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  12. JBR, I am so happy - I know it sounds weird, but both of oyu realise you are different. For you it is great to see your progress and whilst you stay strong (please dont make things up) your Mother has to fall back onto herself. Obviously she opposes, easy life is gone! her control and guil trips dont work anymore. Surely it is easier to blame you and not look at herself. You know how hard it was for yourself to face your reality.
    JUst yesterday Skip tried his old ways on me nad I felt heat raising, I was so close in giving in AGAIN: Yet I managed to stay my ground, he realised it his slip and asked again this time differently. Yet half the night I ve spent fighting my codie which feared he would run off again or put pressure upon me. This morning it is ok. The fear is part of tha past behaviour. Exactly the past behaviour, The past...
    I send you strength and good vibes that you carry on spening the weekends as you like and not let her force in something you dont want. MIll of hugs

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  13. AnonymousJuly 29, 2010

    Good for you that you stood up to your mother. Youre becomeing stronger and stronger with each encounter. Proud of you.

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  14. yourkiddingmerightJuly 29, 2010

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  15. yourkiddingmerightJuly 29, 2010

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  16. hi jbr :)

    at the risk of making you feel defensive of your mother, i'd like to say that i really have compassion for you here. it sounds like she's really good at manipulating you and pushing buttons. i found a great resource some time back about emotional blackmail and it has some tips for things to say to people when they are using these techniques to try to control you or punish you, or whatever it is they are trying to do when they act this way. here you go:

    http://www.angelfire.com/biz/BPD/blackmail.html

    i really like these sample things to say, i think they help me see how we could be detached yet still kind in the moment. how just because someone is acting inappropriately doesn't mean we have to bite on that hook and get dragged along with the way they lead.

    wishing you well today and always! :)

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  17. sorry you are having such a hard week...i am glad you recognize her nature though and hte ccles of her dependancy...it does mak it a bit easier...thoughts and prayers...

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  18. Hoping your week picks up dear. Continue to press on towards your complete freedom

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  19. You are in control of your feelings sweetie, hang on.

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  20. Wow...this struggle feels so familiar to me. Isn't it sad that your mom doesn't yet see the need for counseling....what a gift that would be to all of you. Stay the course, JBR. She is no longer the keeper of your truth.

    Grace, grace, grace to you,
    Jennifer

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