DEALING WITH A CO-DEPENDENT

Ahhh..... my week continues to get better and better (sarcasm).

Tonight my mother confronted me with not spending enough time with her. She also wanted our telephone conversations to be more meaningful and more lengthy.

Being I am trying to break "my side" of codependency with my mother, she is ramping up "her side" with her fears and panic. She insists I am keeping secrets from her. That when I speak to her I do not give her enough details into my life.

I tried to make light of our conversation tonight and say I would come up with some more things to say. Make things up for her. She did not like that either. She again insisted I am keeping "my life" from her. Yeah "MY LIFE." Well..... yeah I am.

Our conversation ticked me off! Ticked me off because of her forceful nature.

She thew unbelievable guilt trips my way by saying, "I am not the daughter I used to be." Bringing up little notes I used to leave her saying how much I loved her and that she was the best. Over the weekend she showed me a picture of myself and her and said, "this is the daughter I used to know." She "wants" (insists) me to spend more time with her over the weekends. See her more often. She said I am deliberately not interested in her life anymore because I do not open up her emails fast enough or comment about them or just comment to her about life in general. She told me to, "think about how I have been acting these past months and compare how I used to be." It is my fault. Oh man it took all of me to contain myself on that one.

I do realize she is feeling the effects of me breaking away and she is now finally approaching me more sternly. I do realize she is feeling the effects of withdrawals and since she is NOT in counseling, she is reacting typically. So I do hurt for her with that regard only.

Anyway.... I found a devotional below for any of you who also struggle with co-dependent family members. This devotional below may shed some light and be some of a comfort.

I was forty-six years old before I finally admitted to myself and someone else that my grandfather always managed to make me feel guilty, angry, and controlled.
—Anonymous

We may love and care about our family very much. Family members may love and care about us. But interacting with some members may be a real trigger to our codependency - sometimes to a deep abyss of shame, rage, anger, guilt, and helplessness.

It can be difficult to achieve detachment, or an emotional level, with certain family members. It can be difficult to separate their issues from ours. It can be difficult to own our power.

Difficult, but not impossible.

The first step is awareness and acceptance - simple acknowledgment, without guilt, of our feelings and thoughts. We do not have to blame our family members. We do not have to blame or shame ourselves. Acceptance is the goal - acceptance and freedom to choose what we want and need to do to take care of ourselves with that person. We can become free of the patterns of the past. We are recovering. Progress is the goal.

Today, Higher Power, help me be patient with myself as I learn how to apply recovery behaviors with family members. Help me strive today for awareness and acceptance.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.