"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Friday, July 30, 2010

IN THE MIDST OF A DISCREPANCY


From what I can remember of my father showing or sharing affection towards me as a child growing up and even as an adult, was that I would have to be the one that would always have to initiate a response from him.

I really cannot recall my father going out of his way to come over and hug me or even kiss me on the cheek, unless I did it first. I was always thrilled when he accepted my affection. Then I felt special. I felt of worth.

Even after my parents divorce when I would have those far and few opportunities to visit my father during the summer months, he was happy that I had friends to play with. That he did not have to spend a lot of time with me. That I was occupied. He at one time told my mother when I came for a visit, "I do not know what to do with her?" Wow, how encouraging and loving was that statement?

Even as my father laid in a coma back in 1989, for a week after a massive heart attack before dying, I would visit him daily at the hospital. I was numb to any feelings. I could not muster up anything. The years of neglect and lack of proper response to love was not there even on my end now. I had no tears. I had no emotions. Nothing there to give. And certainly nothing there to receive. I could not express a daughter father love that I longed for. I know the man was dying. But, I was so badly damaged emotionally that everything shut down a long time ago. To this day I probably never really grieved my father's death.

The devotional shares on some of the confused notions some of us may of had growing up and believed. I certainly know how hard it is for myself to receive that someone actually cares about me. Let alone for me to even care about myself. But God is slowly breaking into my heart with His love:


Many of us have confused notions about what it means to be loved and cared about.

Many of us were loved and cared for by people who had discrepancies between what they said and did.

We may have had a mother or father who said, "I love you" to us, and then abandoned or neglected us, giving us confused ideas about love. Thus that pattern feels like love - the only love we knew.

Some of us may have been cared for by people who provided for our needs and said they loved us, but simultaneously abused or mistreated us. That, then, becomes our idea of love.

Some of us may have lived in emotionally sterile environments, where people said they loved us, but no feelings or nurturing were available. That may have become our idea of love.

We may learn to love others or ourselves the way we have been loved, or we may let others love us the way we have been loved, whether or not that feels good. It's time to let our needs be met in ways that actually work. Unhealthy love may meet some surface needs, but not our need to be loved.

We can come to expect congruency in behavior from others. We can diminish the impact of words alone and insist that behavior and words match.

We can find the courage, when appropriate, to confront discrepancies in words and actions - not to shame, blame, or find fault, but to help us stay in touch with reality and with our needs.

We can give and receive love where behavior matches one's words. We deserve to receive and give the best that love has to offer.

Today, I will be open to giving and receiving the healthiest love possible. I will watch for discrepancies between words and behaviors that confuse me and make me feel crazy. When that happens, I will understand that I am not crazy; I am in the midst of a discrepancy.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

21 comments:

  1. so sorry you grew up that way...i see neglect often int eh face of the kids i work with...parents too consumeed to care for them...so sad...

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  2. "We deserve to receive and give the best that love has to offer. "...amen!

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  3. Love can be very complicated if we weren't nurtured properly by it. JBR God is breaking through to your heart. He'll restore what was taken or what was never given. God Bless.

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  4. JBR,
    So sorry for all you had to go through with your Dad. He missed out. (((JBR)))

    I like this part alot....

    Today, I will be open to giving and receiving the healthiest love possible.

    Blessings,
    Tammy

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  5. JBR, so sorry to hear that ... it's hard to imagine how difficult it must have been for you ... but deep inside you you are filled up with love, love that you can give to others and to yourself, don't forget yourself dear one ... look up at the child that is within you, embrace that little girl, be her mother, give her the love she so needs ... blessing dear one!

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  6. be her father too ... (I forgot to say )

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  7. I'm sorry you had to go through that-- both the hard childhood and your father's death. They both are a lot to handle. And I know this may be hard to accept, but I care about you. You have definitely made an impact on me.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  8. Sweetie I'm sadden to read this post. At the same time knowing that our God is doing something big in you. Restoring you.

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  9. Yes we do not always get the feeling of love, that we should. Glad you are being restored.
    kim

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  10. JBR,you know that I relate to not having parents. I appreciate your sharing with us today. It is so awesome to see your growth and journey to be healthy. Please know that your words are so helpful to me.

    The last paragraph really spoke to me especially this part "When that happens, I will understand that I am not crazy; I am in the midst of a discrepancy."

    Love and Peace to you my friend.

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  11. JBR, as you know from one of my recent posts how much I can relate. It is hard, confusing and such a dmage when afterwards you dont know how or what to feel. It kaes any kind of love or care so extremely difficult. Yet it is possible. It truly is. I/we managed to turn a dysfunctional relation into an engagament and working on a life together. And freaking hell, whate were ( and are) we damaged. It can be done and you do the best you can. Love to you

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  12. ((((((JBR))))))))) I'm so sorry for your suffering.

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  13. sending lots of positive vibes your way...and love and light. a very touching post.

    i'm sorry i'm a little late stopping by, to say thanks for the birthday wishes and HI.

    one love.

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  14. Your dad is the one who missed out, you are a blessing.

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  15. JBR...

    The sad thing is, your dad probably felt something similar from his own childhood.

    Here's what I do know... by the time you have explored and dealt with all the issues that you have been facing... you will BE a counselor!! You are already ministering to so many hurting hearts by your honesty and willingness to 'face down the enemy'...

    I just stand on the sidelines and cheer you on!!! You bless my heart!

    Hugs!

    Sonja

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  16. Hello, precious one~

    I am so sorry that your father missed out on really knowing what an amazing woman you are!

    Love and ((((HUGS))))~
    Laura

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  17. some days it's easier than others to reach out and accept love from others....and I agree with Goose Hill Farm...your father really missed out on knowing one awesome great person....

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  18. Your blog and those of others like you are real eye-openers for parents. Having grown up in an extremely abusive home -- I am not sure it was love-less but it was dysfunctional and filled with sexual, physical, and emotional abuse//"on fire" as my brother-in-law calls it -- I tried to be extra careful with my kids. I know they bonded to each other and to us, but they also tell me in retrospect about moments when they might have liked things to be a little different. Only my son has children (yet), and it is wonderful to see how the abuse levied on his mother by his grandparents never turned into a cycle, how his children (my grandchildren) are so secure in the love of their parents. It is rare to see them without a smile on their faces. Perhaps we cannot undo what was done to us, but we can certainly choose not to pass it on and not to think it is our fault in any way or that we are not lovable; it isn't our fault and, being God's creatures, we are lovable and deserving of love. That is God's gift to us: His love. God bless you!

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  19. I agree with Finally Free - your dad really missed out because he didn't realize the blessing he had been given in having you in his life. Your family made you feel unwanted which is hard for me to understand because you are so obviously a gift from God! If they only knew, JBR, what they have missed. One day I hope they will see how beautiful you are!

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  20. This is great information, and put so succinctly - I really felt such discrepancies growing up and now in adult life am just as confused and troubled by them. I wish everyone would "walk the walk" as well as talk the talk. Thanks for sharing this JBR.

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