For many years I did not know what I was dealing with when I "felt" or "thought" I felt I was being embarrassed when certain things happened or things I would be faced with. But, in reality what I was experiencing was "shame."
I could never understand why being embarrassed would make me fearful. Now, I understand. I was not embarrassed but full of shame. Which then lead to fear. Many fears that would hinder my adulthood severely. Being sexually abused again, abandoned, hurt, rejected. You name it. Both my parents were experts at verbally shaming me as well.
A lot of my shame is due to being molested by my brother. And shifting the blame for what happened to me onto myself. There for along with shame, I had guilt and condemnation.
A great description and definition I found in the dictionary on the web on "Toxic Shame" that pertains a lot to me is as follows:
"Toxic shame: describes false, pathological shame, and Bradshaw states that toxic shame is induced, inside children, by all forms of child abuse. Incest and other forms of child sexual abuse can cause particularly severe toxic shame. Toxic shame often induces what is known as complex trauma in children who cannot cope with toxic shaming as it occurs and who dissociate the shame until it is possible to cope with."
But, there is hope. Amen Praise God!
The devotional below shares what shame does to us. But, bringing out into the light the shame, will help with the healing. As painful as it has been for me in facing a lot of my past, I know I am much freer in this area. I still suffer immensly from shame, but I am one step closer to being set free.
God promises NEVER to shame us.
One day my feelings of shame will be replaced with feelings of His love.
"Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated." Isaiah 54:4
Experiences of shame lead to fear. When shame causes us to be afraid we make extra efforts to protect ourselves against future experiences of shame. We try hard, for example, to look good. We focus on controlling external appearances. We also try hard to anesthetize our feelings because of our fear of shame. We focus on controlling our feelings so that other people won't get to know us. If they did they might discover the shame we are trying to hide. In this way shame traps us in a cycle of fear and emotional numbing and covering up.
But if we hide our shame, it can never be healed. Our shame heals when we reveal our inner being to people who accept us rather than shame us. This is not an easy process for us because we expect to be shamed. We do not expect to be accepted.
What a remarkably grace-full experience it is when God says "you don't need to be afraid, you will not suffer shame." We can open our hearts to God and find acceptance rather than shaming. God sees our fear. God knows that we want to run
and hide. But it is God's desire to heal our deep wound of shame. "You don't have to be afraid," God says to us, "you will not suffer shame or disgrace or humiliation with me."
I have experienced so much shame, Lord.
So much disgrace.
So much humiliation.
Sometimes I want to hide myself from life.
And sometimes I want to numb myself to life.
Sometimes I want to disappear completely.
Thank you for your promise.
It calms my fears and helps me to stop hiding.
It helps me to stop covering up.
Thank you that I can open my heart to you and not suffer shame.
Thank you for the people in my life who accept me and do not shame me.
Protect me, Lord, from shame.
Amen.
Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan
...................................................................... I Got The Joy!
I understand these feelings of shame.....God is able is my testimony....I myself am still learning to deal with such feelings and trying to "Let go and Let God"....blessings
ReplyDeleteJBR in the words "you don't need to be afraid, you will not suffer shame" God's love shine bright and clear. You'll get there one day. Sooner than you think. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteI wonder how many of us can relate to this post? I know I can relate. This post explains shame and what it does to the child. I find it very positive. I still suffer from PTSS from my childhood.
ReplyDeleteMay God bless you JBR for the wonderous things you are doing in your life and for shairing your journey.
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that's lovely, jbr~ your thoughts about healing from shame. thank you for sharing this. i still feel shame in my life. for who i am. i always heard that the difference between shame and guilt is that guilt is when you feel you've done something wrong. but shame is when you feel that there is something wrong with you. it's become a part of your identity. and i can relate to being afraid of people rejecting me once they get to know me. and fearing never really being fully accepted.
ReplyDeletethank you~ and wishing you well :)
Bless you for this.
ReplyDeleteWishing you a blessed Fourth! One that makes up for the past!
ReplyDeleteOne thing that I've learned about my embarrassment and shame is that it is often based in a self-judgement. This is very difficult for me to manage and also go back into shame. Vicious circle
ReplyDelete