TRUST IS HARD

This post is more or less a follow up to yesterday regarding my wisdom tooth.

First off, I did not want to frighten any of you into thinking I was dying because I had some kind of infection in the tooth. I mentioned that it was not impacted. The tooth is cracked. The nerve is exposed and extremely sensitive. Hot or cold getting on to the nerve is so unbearably painful. I cannot even eat on that side now. Anyway..... I truly do thank you all for your concern. Will keep you posted "when" I will get the tooth out. Yes, I said, "when" and not "if."

In sharing with my t. today about my fears with the DDS, we discovered that I still do not trust others. That I am NOT allowing myself to be needy. That even in the case of having to have my wisdom tooth pulled, that I am not allowing others to come into my world of pain and help me out. I want to do everything on my own and not ask for help. I do not feel worthy enough to receive help. This is an awful belief. Very hard for me to break away and give up my control and ask for help.

A memory just surfaced and makes sense now. A lot of my lack of neediness I think I learned early on from my earthly father. He was not there for me many times. So I built up this mentality that I do not need anyone (although I was hurting inside for his acceptance). I had to give the appearance I was strong. Do not need help. Or do not even bother trying.

Many times my father crushed me with his words not only as a child but as an adult. He would imply that I should not impose on anyone, how dare I. He shamed me. Even to the point I felt I was imposing on his own life. One time I remember I ended up falling apart. Could not hold it together upon hearing what he said to me. I still remember him talking over me while I was crying. He could of cared less that I was hurting. I felt like a nobody.

This lack of asking for help is a Big Step for me to overcome now.

The devotional below shares on trust and is perfect timing not just for me, but I am sure some of you can benefit from as well.

Trusting other human beings is like planting a garden. First we must choose where to plant - is the soil healthy, is it open to sunlight? We would not plant seeds on rocks that are hard and un-giving. In the same way, we need to choose friends who are trustworthy, who are like rich soil open to planting and sunlight.

Then we need to plant the seeds of time and care. If we share some of our feelings and are welcomed, we will know it is safe to share more. We can share ourselves in our own time - even a garden grows slowly, and can take only so much sun and rain in one day.

Having trust in someone feeds the spirit. Trust also gives us the courage to be beautiful, like the flowers of our gardens.

Am I brave enough to trust others and to be worthy of their trust?

From Today's Gift: Daily Meditations for Families ©1985, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.