"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Wednesday, August 04, 2010


* * * * MAY TRIGGER * * * *

In responding to someone else's blog this morning on sexual abuse, the question was posed, "why as children we never went to our parents to tell them we were being abused."

I know I have heard myself tell even myself over and over again this. Even telling my t. and even sharing the reason here on my blog in past posts. But, for some reason, when I typed out my response on that blog this morning, it just hit me.

This is what I said:

"I too wondered why I never went to my parents when my older brother was sexually abusing me. He used the lame excuse to me that he was doing this because he wanted to become a doctor. And for some reason, as a child of 8 or 9 I accepted that. And that was that. Weird I remember that. But, it was so traumatic because I must have been bothered by what he was doing. Wow— insight."

Now what hit me this morning when I typed this, as like I said I have known the reason my brother gave to me all of my life, but the "a-ha" moment for me now is that this was the only statement I remember through the abuse. I even remember bringing it up again another time.

True I remember hiding from him in my closet in my bedroom when he was on the prowl and do recall saying "no." But in actually "speaking" to my brother during or going to the site where he would abuse me, this is all I recall. So that showed me that I did not like what was going on and I questioned it!! And to this day is the only communication I can remember despite actually physically feeling what he was doing to me as well.

I think for the "first time," I am now beginning to "feel" in my heart just how traumatic the abuse must have been for me. This is scary.


  1. wow. thanks for being real. i think fear and disassociation play a big role, at least in the kids that i counsel. if they tell they will get into trouble...and pushing it aside into some dark recess of the mind, denying it so they can feel normal...

  2. Oh JBR I'm happy for you even if you are now finding this memory scary. Your traumatic memory is trying to communicate with you, the one that has been traumatized. I know you know this but these memories can occur at any time, even long after the sexual abuse has taken place. God feels you are ready at this juncture in time for what you are feeling. God Bless.

  3. JBR,
    Here listening and sending you hugs. I pray God feels near to you today and work through these traumatic memories. (((JBR)))


  4. Isn't weird how we can "feel" something for so long and not ever really feel the extent of it until much later?

    I'm sorry you're going through these intense negative emotions. I know these memories are terribly scary for you. But please know that you're in my thoughts and that I care about you.

    Wishing you well,

  5. Sweetie may Gods comfort be with you now as you sort through things.

  6. Yes, I was too embarrassed to tell parents, when cuz touched me. Playing Doctor also. I do not compare it to what you went through, but I did feel guilty.

  7. I know telling your pain is probably hared for you but think of all the people you are helping and healing.

  8. I know telling your pain is probably hared for you but think of all the people you are helping and healing.

  9. I don;t know if my comment is getting through. I know telling your pain is probably hared for you but think of all the people you are helping and healing.

  10. Scary and freing, the way to freedom...

  11. you are on the way to FREEDOM...soon you will move forward and no longer have to think about the past.

  12. I'm so sorry you went through this. As a child we think so differently. We don't really understand what is going on. It just becomes part of our life. My abuse started when I was 4 years old by my step dad and yes I hate to admit it my own mother had a part in the abuse. This abuse continued for years. It felt very wrong, yet it was a "normal" part of my life. What sexual abuse does to the mind is terrible and last for years and years. I was never really sure who to turn to and I'm sure with what you have said about your parents you were in the same situation. There was no one that was safe. I see healing in you, but it takes a long time. What was done was unthinkable. I am amazed that you have been able to keep a relationship with your family at all. You show true courage and I admire you greatly.((((JBR))))

  13. It's so hard to put into words how it feels. You can think "It was JUST this" or "It was only THAT", why is it such a big deal? But you know. As a kid, you know it's a big deal, but you also know you aren't big enough to deal with it. So you lock it away until the time is right. That time is different for everyone, but it is painful and scary. Hugs, dear friend.

  14. Facing it and feeling it will get you through the scary parts, JBR. Good for you on this amazing "lightbulb moment".

  15. Dear JBR,

    I, too, did not say anything about my abuse until my mother was considering a divorce and asked if my stepfather ever did anything to hurt me. Then it came out.

    Until then, I don't think I said anything because he was my "daddy" and I knew I wasn't supposed to question him. I know I was afraid of him, and I was afraid of what would happen to me after I told. I remember my mom saying that I should cry out if it happened again and she would hear me and wake up. Of course, usually, you could set a bomb off next to her bed and she wouldn't wake up, so I was doubtful. Also, it still scared me. My dad had beat my mom on numerous occasions, so I'm not sure I believed she could actually protect me.

    I remember my stepdad did come into my room once between that conversation and when she got a restraining order. I told my stepdad I was tired and... he left! I couldn't believe it! Was that all I had to do? It was amazing to me.

    Then my mom did get a restraining order and filed for a divorce. I found out years later she never told anyone about his abuse of me. He was actually granted visitation rights as he had, by then, adopted me. I have to say that I felt shocked by this: both that she left the door open for him to victimize me again, and also that he was free to do it to another little girl.

    Thanks for sharing, my friend. And thanks for stopping by to check on me. I'm doing well. Heading out to the Grand Canyon for the first of two assignments there. Say a prayer for me. Hugs.

  16. Your realness amazes me, love you.

  17. 9 im sorry for ur pain. may jesus lght shine in your pain to make u whole again.

  18. Yes, it is scary. And I know that I'm not quite ready to go there yet.

    What a great insight to have. Insight is a step towards freedom. Thanks for stopping by.

  19. Usually, even if you tell your parents about the abuse, they don't believe you anyhow! That was my case, but like you said, you feel it even years later.

  20. sending love your way JBR! you are brave!!