"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Tuesday, August 03, 2010



My father's father, my grandfather, committed suicide. My oldest brother committed suicide. My uncle also committed suicide. There have been times in my life that I have even contemplated. This curse has been in my family. My father was prone to severe depression. Never sought help for it. I have been prone to depression.

I do know there are some of you out there who are hurting really, really, really bad right now. Who have experienced such lows in your lives that you feel sometimes you just cannot go on. I would like to encourage you to hang on.

I share an article below that may be of some encouragement. When you feel there is just no way out of your unbearable pain but to end it all, there is hope. There is a way.

The author (unknown) shares his struggles and his triumphs with being suicidal. He is not saying it is easy. But, there is always another way:

How to Die - Cultivating Thoughts of Suicide
Many people struggle with how to die when dealing with the issue of suicide. Perhaps you came across this article for that very reason. We hope to offer you some insight into dealing with the pressures of life which could contribute to the feelings you are experiencing.

Let me also state that I wrote this article from my personal experience and it is a depiction of what I have felt and dealt with over the past year. Again, my hope is that we can offer you some direction in dealing with the feelings you may be having now.

The last year of my life has been one long roller coaster of turmoil with many emotional low points and very few high points. Because of this, I have discovered how easily it is to slide from emotional collapse to spiritual disintegration, and maybe even cultivate thoughts of actual death. Let me tell you my story and then maybe you’ll understand.

How to Die - Emotional, Spiritual, and Physical
There are a lot of things in life which cause us consider how to die. Perhaps you are experiencing an emotional meltdown -- the death of a loved one, break up of a relationship, loss of a job, or some other emotional tragedy.

For me, these feelings of how to die came when three very difficult events occurred in my life within months of each other: The first was my son being involved in an accident that claimed the lives of two other people; the second was the death of a twenty-three-year-old girl who was like a daughter to me; and the third was the death of my mother. Add into the mix the death of a very close friend and you can see why I felt like I was in an emotional downfall.

These events led to questioning the reason for my own existence as well as the reality of God. Can you identify with these feelings?

When the tough events of this life start to pile up at your doorstep, you may start to question everything: your beliefs, your faith, even your reason for being. My emotional turmoil led me down a very dangerous road where I started to question the character of a loving God, or even the existence of God at all.

I asked myself all of the standard Why? questions -- “Why me?” “Why would God allow all this suffering in my life?” and so on. This led to being mad at God and turning my back on Him for awhile. When we die emotionally, it leads to a gradual extinction of our spirits, which then drives our questioning to why we even need to be here. In the end, this emptiness can spark our contemplation of physical death and we begin to wonder how to die.

Our sense of loss emotionally and spiritually can lead to such an overwhelming avalanche of feelings that we may consider anything to be rid of them -- even suicide.

I can identify with the sense of hopelessness you are feeling right now. Like me, maybe you're feeling like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I am here to tell you that there is! There is hope!

How to Die - Discovering Hope
I needed to find hope. I wanted to stop cultivating thoughts on how to die and begin engaging thoughts on how to live!

* The first thing I did was focus my energy on how to live. I wanted to stop pitying myself for events in my life that I have no control over anyway. I realized I couldn’t change what had happened. I could only change how I personally viewed calamities in my life.

* Please don’t misunderstand, I am still having a tough time working my way through the circumstances of the last year. I fully recognize that the pain and hurt might always be there, but I will not, by the grace of God, let it drag me too far down.

* The next thing I did was turn back to my one true friend -- Jesus Christ, my Savior. I know what you’re saying: “Oh great, he has turned this to a religion thing.” Well, all I can say is, I haven’t. Loving Jesus is not about religion. It is about having a best friend who understands better than we do what we are going through. Jesus knows personally our pains and sorrows and He knows how best to comfort us.

* Next, I relied on God to comfort me. Sometimes this comfort comes directly through Him. Reading the Psalms and other Bible passage can be a source of comfort (read Psalm 34:18, Psalm 147:3, 2 Corinthians 1:3-4). Other times comfort comes through my friends who also know and love Jesus and who are there to guide.

I encourage you to turn over your emotions and pain to Jesus now. Speak to Him in prayer. Tell Him about your hurts and ask Him to comfort you. Don't hold anything in. Let Jesus have your sorrow. Cry, "God help me!"

(All About Life Changes website)

I would also like to add it is always good to seek Godly counsel too. Talk with someone who understands.

We are precious to God. Whether we feel like it at the time. (Believe you me, there have been many times that I did not/donot feel like this) But, regardless, we are! He DOES care!

Just as the last paragraph states, "do not hold back" in telling and sharing your pain with Christ! He will not fall off His throne with what you have to say. You do not have to come formal to Him. Just say "whatever" is on your heart. If you are ticked at Him, tell Him! Nothing surprises God!


  1. JBR,
    Thanks for sharing this. I like how this person shares from such a real place about a very sensitive subject.


  2. Bless you for being an encouragement, love you.

  3. JBR I would like to encourage your readers if this is okay also with sharing that God has a great plan for your life. God has created us in His image (Genesis 1:26-27). He created us for a purpose. God has a specific plan in mind for everyone. I've had this tragedy happen in my lifetime also so I can relate.
    Great post for those who are hurting bad now. I come in agreement with you in sharing this post and lifting anyone up in prayer. God Bless.

  4. stuck-in-the-middleAugust 03, 2010

    JBR here supporting you. Hang in there.

  5. "there is hope. There is a way. "...amen....

  6. Sweetie I'm sorry for all family related pain caused by this awful attack from the enemy. He uses suicide many times. He wants us dead. Thanks God we're much stronger than that. I'm wiping away the tears from reading this persons account of his life.

  7. Your blog is very meaningful. Let me share. Anger is one of the emotions most commonly related to death, especially suicide. Anger may be directed at the victim for their actions, towards the survivors themselves for not noticing signs or 'doing enough', or towards the mental health system. If they are religious, they may also be angry with God.

    Survivors may also feel like a failure, because a loved one or acquaintance has chosen to commit suicide, and wonder constantly if they could have affected the situation and kept the victim from choosing death. Some fear forming new relationships (romantic or otherwise) due to the severe pain their relationship with the victim has caused them.

    Something very important to keep in mind is the increased risk survivors are at for many things, including suicide. Risk for suicide especially applies to adolescents who have lost a friend to suicide - they are approximately three times more likely to commit suicide themselves. Suicide survivors are also at higher risk for mental disorders such as clinical depression and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). They are more likely to employ self destructive behaviors such as substance abuse or self harm, and illegal behaviors like shoplifting or speeding while driving.

  8. I'm proud of you, even though I haven't met you, but I admire your way.
    Thanks for your comments, means a lot.

  9. I have fought the thought of suicide greatly over the past few months. Recently having to go disability, my daughter moving and then the death of my Son was almost more than I could take. I've had a difficult time talking with God, but my believe in Him has kept me from committing suicide. Depression and suicide also run in my family. Thank you for sharing this difficult subject and show your pain. God bless you.

  10. Very precious and very timely JBR! Many people are so overwhelmed with life's pressures and suicide seem to be the easy way out. But if we truly know how deep God's love is for everyone, our perspectives on this I'm sure will change. I thought about that before. Planned on doing it but as I cried for His mercy, that was when He reached out to me and saved me. My life hasn't been the same. With the Lord, I'm walking on the right path ever since. So thanks be to God. God bless you and praying for that "curse" to be broken!!! In His Mighty Name!!! Jesus!

  11. ((HUGS)) My mother tried once but I believe she did it more for attention. I thought about it many times but knew it would be a wrong move.

  12. this posting is hitting too close to home for me.it has been 2 weeks since my almost suscessful attempt.I just had to read it thought.and make this comment,Thank You God for telling me NO!

  13. Ralphie JoyceAugust 03, 2010

    Thank you for sharing such a post. Not many people confront this topic head on. 

  14. Brave girl. I love you for that:)

  15. you are touching so many lives...hope you know that...your words...giving hope....awesome

  16. You know no one is happy all of the time, butt some people feel as if they can never find happiness. Some people feel as if their entire life i s devoted to nothing but pain and hurt and lonelness. Every day is a struggle, and every breath a fight for survival. I think these people have a deep understanding of the word Depression. Good post.

  17. sorry that suicide has touched your family so greatly. had a friend in HS that tried and was unsuccessful...changed his life drastically...a good article as well...and yes if you are struggling please find someone to talk to...

  18. Thank you for posting this. I unfortunately relate to it a lot. And I'm also sorry that your family has been plagued with such tragedy. It makes it all the more remarkable that you are hanging on and choosing to recover instead of giving up.

    Wishing you well,

  19. Blessings to you JBR. Huge, huge blessings.

  20. JBR, you are an inspiration to those of us that follow and read your blog. It seems we all have common threads that connect us to one another in a very real way.

    I know your pain and am sorry that you had to experience it so many times. We are survivors and I believe God has a unique plan for us.

    Thanks for the BIG HUGS and I am sending them back to you. You are so loved by so many.

    Thank you for sharing this intimate post and that man's story.

    Peace and Love,