"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Thursday, August 12, 2010


Surrendering is not easy.

But it is vital in order to move on in the process of healing.

When I first realized I needed help personally with my past, I knew I would have to come to grips with painful memories that I had blocked out for so many years in order to survive and try and forget the hurt I suffered.

So, when I began seriously taking the step to surrendering, it was not always easy. In fact, it is still hard. I found surrendering was very difficult and at times I was ready to end it all. Throw in the towel early. Screw this! But, I made a promise to God, myself and to others that I would not quit no matter what.

Anger and frustration seemed to be central with me day in and day out as I began dealing with my crap and giving what little I could of my pain slowly to God. But, it was hard and excruciating. I wanted to die.

I became more angry and frustrated. With God. MYSELF. People. Even inadament objects that just got in my way. Throwing tantrums, things, cursing myself and God as I did not know any other way to express what was going on inside of me. My inner-child was being stirred up for the first time in decades. I felt out of control. I felt I was some "nutt-case." I felt I could not handle what I was going through. I felt God was disappointed in me because of the way I was behaving.

I felt pain for the first time in such a long time!

Fear invaded my heart for so long, I did not know how to live without it. I did not even realize just how emotionally painful working through some very hard stuff could be. And I did not know at the time the way I was responding was because of my past and that it was okay that I respond this way.

But the deepest healing comes when I do surrender, how little of a surrender it may be at the time, and discover that God is for me and not against me. That He is revealed to me as my "loving" Daddy and not my earthly daddy who was not there for me.

The risk of surrender which is hard for me is inviting not only God to comfort me and show me His love, but also people that truly care about me. This part will take time to totally surrender for me.

I have no doubt I am further along the spectrum than I was a year or so ago. Through my pain I see the growth. Praise the Lord. Hallelujah! Glory! ***JBR does her happy dance***

There is still plenty more to surrender! Hard and painful as it may be. But God's heart is slowly melting in mine.

So despite the pain I have to go through in order to surrender and reach freedom, I continue to be determined.

Surrendering is a highly personal and spiritual experience.

Surrender is not something we can do in our heads. It is not something we can force or control by willpower. It is something we experience.

Acceptance, or surrender, is not a tidy package. Often, it is a package full of hard feelings - anger, rage, and sadness, followed by release and relief. As we surrender, we experience our frustration and anger at God, at other people, at ourselves, and at life. Then we come to the core of the pain and sadness, the heavy emotional burden inside that must come out before we can feel good. Often, these emotions are connected to healing and release at a deep level.

Surrender sets the wheels in motion. Our fear and anxiety about the future are released when we surrender.

We are protected. We are guided. Good things have been planned. The next step is now being taken. Surrender is the process that allows us to move forward. It is how our Higher Power moves us forward. Trust in the rightness of timing, and the freedom at the other end, as you struggle humanly through this spiritual experience.

I will be open to the process of surrender in my life. I will allow myself all the awkward and potent emotions that must be released.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.


  1. I can almost touch your emotions they are so real. I think surrender is hard for anyone, even if we haven't been traumatized. I can't imagine the level you are having to trust.

    I'm glad we love God who is mighty to save and deliver us.

    Praying you will have peace as you continue to surrender and sort everything out -- releasing the pain.

    Love & hugs!

  2. JBR you've come a long way. I see in your writings the strength you've gained through your journey. Sure you've had your ups and downs, we all do. That's part of the battle. Like I've said many times before, you touch people with your realness. Never forget that. God Bless.

  3. very honest.not that you ever are not...smiles. surrender is not a one time thing it is a process...again and again...i have found...and struggled...smiles.

  4. Sweetie your wonderfully made in the image of God.

  5. I'm glad you made the decision not to give up. That is SO MUCH HARDER to do than it sounds. But having decided this, you will go so far. You already have come so far. I am proud of you.

    Wishing you well,

  6. Surrendering still is painful for me. My stubbornness does not want to give in..it hurts too much, sometimes.

  7. You'd think I'm better but still a great work for me in this area, too! Thanks for this JBR. God bless.

  8. So so so very brave.
    The greatest thing God will ever ask you to do
    is yield.
    Surrender is strong
    beyond words.

  9. It is wonderful that you can see how far you have come, and that you didn't give up. Your ability to keep your faith is so courageous. I know that my eating disorder is what keeps me numb and unable to work through all of the pain. Thanks for this post!

  10. this is so weird. I just posted on letting go or holding on. Surrendering...boy I needed to read this and JBR....you really are the best....

  11. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1PNhv1iPYI

    All to Jesus I surrender
    All to Him I freely give;
    I will ever love and trust Him,
    In his presence daily live.

    I surrender all, I surrender all;
    All to thee, my blessed Savior,
    I surrender all.

    All to Jesus I surrender,
    Humbly at His feet I bow,
    Worldly pleasures all forsaken,
    Take me Jesus, take me now.

    I surrender all, I surrender all;
    All to thee, my blessed Savior,
    I surrender all.

    Blessings, sweetie~

  12. I agree with the comment about surrendering being a process...each of us in our own journeys have different things we need to let go of and surrender... some things can be done easily and with little pain...while others...are so very hard...

    I used to think my stubbornness got in the way of totally surrendering, but I have learned it is actually my pride that causes these issues...thinking I can handle it on my own...in a better way...*sigh*...what a lie of the enemy that is....

  13. Agree with comments above, surrendering is a process. You are encouraging, keep being Real.

  14. Surrendering is a lifelong process! I'm with you in the journey. To God be the glory.

  15. Praise God for your realness.