TOXIC SHAME

My desire to feel accepted and loved, (missing from my childhood) the people pleasing skills I used on others I have now learned are driven by shame.

I thought I was pretty good at covering up my people pleasing tendencies by wearing my masks and mastering my art. And I probably was to most. But, some did catch on and did not want any part of me.

Toxic shame is such a poison and develops in unhealthy relationships. But, when one is desperate, as I was in my early days, as I knew no better how to relate, I did not care. I had so much shame in who I was. I had NO confidence whatsoever in who I was. I had to play-act to be someone else. I wanted to give the appearance I was in control. I was perfect. You will like me because I am okay and I have everything in order.

Shame from my parents, siblings, teachers, peers etc. growing up crushed the real me. I continued to wear my masks throughout life. Be what others wanted me to be. Get myself physically sick even to the point of loosing too much weight because I just could not eat in trying so very hard to be someone or something I was not. Trying to keep up appearances that in time can wear your body and mind down.

Thank God! And I mean Thank God, I finally came to a place a few years back that I had ENOUGH OF MY FAKE SELF. I WAS SICK OF MYSELF BEING WHO I WAS NOT!

If you can relate, I understand. May the devotional below comfort and encourage any of you who suffer. I can relate to a lot what is said below:

Isaiah 54:4-5: “Do not be afraid; …You will forget the shame of your youth” (v.4).

“We think that by ‘doing it right’, we will get rid of the shame,” observed psychologist Carol Travilla.

Some of us may be motivated to perfectionism by our toxic shame — the shame of making a mistake; saying the wrong thing; having an unproductive day; mispronouncing a word; gaining weight; not understanding directions, experiencing fatigue; wearing an inappropriate outfit; adding up the checkbook incorrectly; expressing a differing opinion; feeling disappointment; praying the wrong words; wanting to be alone; wanting to be with someone; needing to feel secure.

The inner message we hear is: “Shame on you! You are needy. You are human.” It’s fake guilt; and it’s poisonous. We may attempt to avoid feeling the ache of the shame by denying it matters; working longer hours, or trying to do “everything right.” But we don’t have to be hooked into listening to these self-defeating messages. God wants to release us from the overwhelming burden of perfectionism. We can forget the false shame and relax. God knows our human needs and he accepts and likes us anyway.

Lord, teach me the difference
between healthy guilt and toxic shame.

Copyright 2010 Joan C. Webb