"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Friday, August 06, 2010

TOXIC SHAME


My desire to feel accepted and loved, (missing from my childhood) the people pleasing skills I used on others I have now learned are driven by shame.

I thought I was pretty good at covering up my people pleasing tendencies by wearing my masks and mastering my art. And I probably was to most. But, some did catch on and did not want any part of me.

Toxic shame is such a poison and develops in unhealthy relationships. But, when one is desperate, as I was in my early days, as I knew no better how to relate, I did not care. I had so much shame in who I was. I had NO confidence whatsoever in who I was. I had to play-act to be someone else. I wanted to give the appearance I was in control. I was perfect. You will like me because I am okay and I have everything in order.

Shame from my parents, siblings, teachers, peers etc. growing up crushed the real me. I continued to wear my masks throughout life. Be what others wanted me to be. Get myself physically sick even to the point of loosing too much weight because I just could not eat in trying so very hard to be someone or something I was not. Trying to keep up appearances that in time can wear your body and mind down.

Thank God! And I mean Thank God, I finally came to a place a few years back that I had ENOUGH OF MY FAKE SELF. I WAS SICK OF MYSELF BEING WHO I WAS NOT!

If you can relate, I understand. May the devotional below comfort and encourage any of you who suffer. I can relate to a lot what is said below:


Isaiah 54:4-5: “Do not be afraid; …You will forget the shame of your youth” (v.4).

“We think that by ‘doing it right’, we will get rid of the shame,” observed psychologist Carol Travilla.

Some of us may be motivated to perfectionism by our toxic shame — the shame of making a mistake; saying the wrong thing; having an unproductive day; mispronouncing a word; gaining weight; not understanding directions, experiencing fatigue; wearing an inappropriate outfit; adding up the checkbook incorrectly; expressing a differing opinion; feeling disappointment; praying the wrong words; wanting to be alone; wanting to be with someone; needing to feel secure.

The inner message we hear is: “Shame on you! You are needy. You are human.” It’s fake guilt; and it’s poisonous. We may attempt to avoid feeling the ache of the shame by denying it matters; working longer hours, or trying to do “everything right.” But we don’t have to be hooked into listening to these self-defeating messages. God wants to release us from the overwhelming burden of perfectionism. We can forget the false shame and relax. God knows our human needs and he accepts and likes us anyway.

Lord, teach me the difference
between healthy guilt and toxic shame.

Copyright 2010 Joan C. Webb

21 comments:

  1. Thank you for such an inspiring post! I've done sme of that myself over the years and drawing away and being who i really am is so freeing!

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  2. JBR,
    I'm thanking God, too, for you!!! Thanks for sharing this. I need to make a copy of this. It explains the concept of shame in an understandable way.

    Blessings,
    Tammy

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  3. JBR, wow, this is such an empowering post! thank you!! blessings.

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  4. Wow...that closing line is a good one! Very powerful....

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  5. So true and what a powerful message today JBR! God bless and have a great weekend.

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  6. ((((JBR))))~

    Wow.....what a post! Very powerful indeed! I agree with the others.....the closing line is awesome!

    Blessings, sweet friend~
    Laura

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  7. Very powerful, dear JBR. I like how you wroite that you are fed up in being you are not. That is exactly how ti was for me too. Working it through is so very worthwhile. Have a truly wonderful and calm weekend.

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  8. Shame from your childhood can follow you for years. I hope I am learning that is not who I am. Thank you JBR for being so open and giving.

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  9. Hi my sister in Christ,

    Yes, there is toxic shame. Do you know it comes from codepedency? Someone in your life had a toxic relationship with you and you felt shame because of it. I was in CoDependence Anonymous for a while, but it wasn't as helpful to me as my groups at the mental health clinic. But it's true we have to cut the ties of that person's voice in our head. Old tapes play like crazy and we have to think of other things to say to ourselves. Make new tapes!

    Thanks for a good post,
    Hugs and blessings,
    Amanda

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  10. powerful post JBR. Don't know if you realize but you're touching so many with your words including me.

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  11. I totally relate to what you are saying here. I'm glad you got sick of acting and decided to reveal yourself-- your real self is pretty darn amazing. Sarah is right, your words do touch your readers, including me.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  12. JBR,

    I can relate to this post about wearing masks because living with a difficult earthly father, nothing I could do was ever good enough for him. Thankfully I have discovered a heavenly One that shows me everyday that everything I do delights Him.

    Wanted to wish you a great weekend!

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

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  13. JBR:

    I am reading your posts and just loving your words and heart. It almost is beginning to sound like 'the student is becoming the teacher'...:)

    Good words my friend!

    Hus!

    Sonja

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  14. Very thought provoking post.

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  15. there is a fine line there between the two and tip too far its easy to fall into the crevice...glad you came out of it..i cant stand to see those in authority (particularly parents) use shame....

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  16. Excellent post JBR. I can relate to the perfection part. Want things done a certain way. God Bless you on how far you've come along.

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  17. This is rich.
    And ever so helpful.
    I lived these pages.....felt the intense pain of shame and also became an "expert" at avoiding the pain by people pleasing. I was a brutal taskmaster to myself, though.
    And the whole charade is exhausting.
    Thank GOD it's exhausting!
    Otherwise we may perform and play nice all our lives.
    THANK YOU GOD that it just becomes too hard!!!!!

    Thankful for your words today:)
    -Jennifer

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  18. I hear you. I struggle too. Hugs.

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  19. Just checking up on you, Joan. Wanted to make sure you were still walking the pathway to health since you last commented on my post
    http://godwoman.blogspot.com/2009/10/why-i-have-nothing-to-fear.html

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  20. This really resonated with me. I feel like I've worn a mask for most of my life. I'm only now slowly beginning to take it off and trust other people to love the real me. Thanks for such a wonderful post. Your entire blog is amazing! Thanks for stopping by my blog so that I could find you!

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  21. u blame yourself so much,
    we all learn our lessons via painful experiences...
    beautiful post!

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