I just came back from my morning walk before work.
It is amazing how our memories can be so dormant and then at the right time, by God's design, surface for us to benefit from.
Lately it seems I have been more jumpy and defensive of my physical body than normal. My reaction was brought out last week when my t. quickly came to me as she was demonstrating something. The memory of my mother quickly coming at me slapping me in the face non-stop and me being on my back while she stood over me surfaced. I put my hands up in defense to my t.
I have always been aware of my surroundings. Anyway, as I walked this morning in my complex, a memory or memories surfaced where when my parents would leave my two older brothers to babysit me when they went out for the evening of cocktails. When that happened I knew I was in for trouble. My older older brother loved to beat up on my other older brother (the one who sexually abused me). Meanwhile my brothers would lock me in the bathroom for the duration of the time while my parents were out. Because they did not want to deal with me while "they played?" That was not fun!! I remember screaming to let me out. The times that they did let me out, I witnessed the "so-called" playful beating. I remember telling them to stop. It may have been innocent play in their eyes. For me, as young as I was six or seven and to witness this, I was scared. That is when my older older brother would scare me and threaten me not to tell mum and dad what was going on. Little did they know I did not have to. The neighbors would hear the blood curling screams coming from our house.
What is being revealed to me, explains a lot why I behave the way I do. Helps with the process of healing.....
dang. i hate to see anyone beaten, playful or otherwise...if they heard the screaming why didnt they do anything?
ReplyDeleteThanks Brian for your comment. You are talking about the 1960's. Now if you look at your child differently in public you could be arrested for endangerment.
ReplyDeleteAs the story was told to me later, my parents then got a neighbor to watch us or me. Forget the brothers. But they seemed to manage to still do this. They found a way despite.
Gods timing is always perfect JBR. What's being shown you he desires you to know now. You're ready. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry your brothers mistreated you like that. But I'm glad experiencing these memories is helping you on the path to healing. Keep it up, JBR!
ReplyDeleteWishing you well,
NOS
I am keeping you in my prayers. I know it is all in God's time what will be revealed to you.
ReplyDeleteI think you should write a book about your recovery.
Love,
Pam
Praying for you always.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for you comments.
ReplyDeletePam, there are too many stories and books already written on topics such as mine. But, if I ever feel prompted to write and I know it is of God, I will then do so. Thank you for asking.
Memories can really help the healing process. When we don't know why we react they way we do it's hard to heal. Standing there with you my friend.
ReplyDeleteOh, wow JBR! That was how I started my post this morning, too...Of how many different types of memories come back..Whether it'd be hurtful or not, God truly can turn the awful ones into good! Glory be to God! Blessings.
ReplyDeleteI fought for years to quiet the noise as I called it in my memory bank. Too many awful things happened in such a short period for a young girl. But then I realized one day, the way I buried them would end up burying me so I had to begin to let them out. It took another 20 years before I began to do so. I'm still working on it. In HIS time all things come to light. We just need to be open for his delivery. Hugs. Tammy
ReplyDeleteTrusting the Lord to walk into those horrific
ReplyDeletememories with you and bring restoration
and healing as only He can.
It's amazing really,
that He can heal the wounds from something as terrible as what you've endured.
Leaning into Him for you
to do exactly that
for every molecule of you.
-Jennifer
Hi JBR, I am back to blogging.. a little more rested. Missed you guys and so hard to stay away.
ReplyDeletePray that all is well with you. Blessings.
Continue to trust in the Lord....His timing is PERFECT!
ReplyDeleteBlessings~
Laura
I know that through most of my adult life I would wonder about some of my behaviours. It took reading about and listening to others to finally realize where some of the behaviours were stemming from. It really does help to make those connections. It's awesome how God reveals to us as we can handle it in Him.
ReplyDeleteJBR,
ReplyDeleteI've been missing in action for a time... finishing my book. Wanted to drop by and check on you.
I can so relate to the surfacing of memories. I carried the memory of sexual molestation subconsciously for two decades before God allowed it to surface. It so shocked me when it did! Wow! Of course, God's timing was perfect, but... WOW!
Anyhow, keeping you in prayers,
Cheri
Bless you, my dear. You are a brave brave brave survivor. Feel your Power.
ReplyDelete