"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Thursday, October 07, 2010


This week has really been difficult for me. Even to blog.

Words escape me in trying to explain what I have been feeling. The emotional pain goes deeper than words can describe.

The devotional below hardly conveys what I am experiencing. If anything it is only "one tiny" aspect of my struggle. Does not contain the specifics: the shame, lack of self worth, fears, grieving. I can tell you this though.... that certain types of weather triggers memories for me as well. Especially Fall.

The dry barren land I am passing through now is just that.....a passing. I know this. My journey has been a series of cycles. Some lower than others. This present valley is one of those. The pain is very real.

But, I will emerge one day victorious!

There are other kinds of triggers, though, that may be less apparent and evoke different feelings and memories.

Our mind is like a powerful computer. It links sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste with feelings, thoughts, and memories. It links our senses - and we remember.

Sometimes the smallest, most innocuous incident can trigger memories. Not all our memories are pleasant, especially if we grew up in an alcoholic, dysfunctional setting.

We may not understand why we suddenly feel afraid, depressed, and anxious. We may not understand what has triggered our codependent coping behaviors - the low self worth, the need to control, the need to neglect ourselves. When that happens, we need to understand that some innocuous event may be triggering memories recorded deep within us.

If something, even something we don't understand, triggers painful memories, we can pull ourselves back into the present by self care: acknowledging our feelings, detaching, and affirming ourselves. We can take action to feel good. No matter what the past held, we can put it in perspective, and create a more pleasant today.

Today, I will gently work through my memories. I will accept my feelings, even if I consider them different than what others are feeling. God, help me let go, heal from, and release the painful memories. Help me finish my business from the past.

Hazlenden Foundation

My prayer:

"God, help me search out the blocks and barriers within myself. Bring what I need to know into my conscious mind, so I can be free of it. Show me what I need to know about myself."


  1. JBR:

    I don't really know why, but I always feel so proud of you when I read your posts! What I see is a determined spirit, and a heart that is willing to push through the hurt, to the promises that God is revealing to you, one day at a time. You are on the right track! And as to weather, I still get sad for my mom and dad when it's a dark and dreary day.. it does trigger something. But the SON is still shining!

    Hugs of encouragement!


  2. throughout this post....I see the fighter in you...that you won't give up...you won't give in to the painful pull...I believe in you. I believe in your power to push through....and you know what? You totally deserve it. ☺

  3. JBR dear, we are only human. These triggers and feelings come and go. Good things happen and we forget the bad. But it will be back to haunt us and I am glad we have people we could turn to and open our hearts. Stay strong. Hugs.

  4. have noticed your absence...and from the previous post i think we could all tell you were hurting a bit...thanks for sharing just a bit of it with us...no one was created to walk alone...know that...

  5. JBR,
    I am storming heaven with prayers for you, JBR. Jesus is with you though it doesn't always seem that way when life looks bleak. He promised to never leave us and his word is good. You are a fighter and will make it through these dark times stronger than ever. May God bless you with his peace.

  6. proud of you for throwing open the doors
    for healing to rush in! I ache for you over your ache but am awash with HOPE as well.
    You are moving forward
    ....NOT stuck!
    Well done, you.
    Forward motion sometimes hurts
    when you walk with a limp.
    But it's positive movement and
    I'm trusting God,
    with so so so many others,
    to restore you in every way.
    You are going to make it.
    In a huge way.
    Love and grace to you,

  7. JBR: Praying for a peaceful end to a tough week. Hoping you are able to rest and recuperate this weekend!

  8. ((((((JBR))))))) You are a fighter and have a strong faith. You will make it. I'm standing in there for you my friend.

  9. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time right now. But your attitude is good-- this will pass! Stay strong, okay? Let me know if I can do anything for you.


    Wishing you well,

  10. Sending you love, prayers, and great big hugs.

  11. JBR, I identify with much of what you shared. Fall begins my darker days as well. I think the enemy camps on dates and seasons - much as you said. Plus there is less LIGHT from the sun - so I have to spend more time caring for me and taking time for that inward look to heal what has managed to surface through the months before. It is a process and we will emerge from the darkness in time. I've learned that is doesn't have to be a forced or hurried thing - but a slow gentle dance with the Savior.

    God bless you dear and may the Shalom of Heaven surround you with Peace.

    Patrina <")>><
    princess warrior

  12. JBR good to see you again. I've missed you. I know what you're going through is painful, but for you to keep contact with us I think it's beneficial for you to try and blog it out. I'm praying for you victory. God Bless.

  13. Yes it is tough to blog sometimes, but you do a great job of blogging! Take your time off as needed, you will get through this dry barren place

  14. i ditto sonja! so proud of your willingness to
    plough on through.

    you are so right about triggers. i miss my youngest,
    who is in brazil, sooooo much. sometimes, a smell
    can just knock me out.

    but we don't grieve as one without HOPE!

    you're gonna make it, girl.

  15. Just keep being you. God will show you what He knows you can see in the time you are ready to see it. Sometimes my biggest breakthroughs came when I stopped the witch hunts within myself and just trusted Him.

    Hugs. :)

  16. hope you well.
    thanks for sharing!

  17. I'm trying really hard to detach too. I understand you. Memories can sting. We need to remind us that the past is over and that it lives only in our minds. Louise Hay said that in her book. I keep repeating that to myself when I feel in control.