"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Monday, November 08, 2010


As the devotional shares on hope, it also shares the destructive roads many of us took in order to survive what we thought would set us free from out painful past.

I retreated. Isolated. Created my own safe fantasy world. Television was my best friend. I became the characters on some shows. Their lives were better than mine.

My adolescent to adult years never produced any close friendships. I did not know how to relate. After my brother sexually abused me around the ages of 8-9, and my parents divorced when I was 11, I was forced to move from Florida soon thereafter with my mother and new step-father and live my teenage years in New York. My mother controlled me, shamed me, did basically everything for me. Said she could not trust me in doing the simplest things, i.e. wash clothes, clean house, etc.

I did have a girl friend early on when I first moved to NY who lived in the same building as I. She was extremely aggressive and she did not have any friends either. So we both were desperate. She used me and I really did not like her at all.

The very few occasions I was allowed to go parties at someone's house in my teens unsupervised, we two would get wasted with whatever was being passed around; later ending up with different guys in the back bedrooms. I was out of my fantasy world on those rare occasions. I so wanted to be part of the real world and not play-act what I saw on television or created in my mind. So I took advantage of what I could at those parties. Only when I was under the influence of drink or pot, I had no fears. Sex was not an obstacle. Being laughed at by my peers had no affect on me. I was living a pain free moment you could say. Only briefly though. Then my fears would return. Fear of boys/men the isolation, depression, anger, shame, guilt, would be ever so present soon there after. I went back into my shell of pain.

In our recovery process we have learned there is a better choice to stop our pain. Facing it. But you are not facing your pain alone.

I pray that this devotional minister to any who are hurting:

There are many sources of pain in our life. Those of us recovering from adult children and codependency issues frequently have a cesspool of unresolved pain from the past. We have feelings, sometimes from early childhood to the present, that either hurt too much to feel or that we had no support and permission to deal with.

There are other inevitable sources of pain in our life too. There is the sadness and grief that comes when we experience change, even good change, as we let go of one part of our life, and begin our journey into the new.

There is pain in recovery, as we begin allowing ourselves to feel while dropping our protective shield of denial.

There is the pain that leads and guides us into better choices for our future.

We have many choices about how to stop this pain. We may have experimented with different options. Compulsive and addictive behaviors stop pain - temporarily. We may have used alcohol, other drugs, relationships, or sex to stop our pain.

We may talk compulsively or compulsively focus on other people and their needs as a way to avoid or stop our pain.

We may use religion to avoid our feelings.

We may resort to denial of how we are feeling to stop our pain.

We may stay so busy that we don't have time to feel. We may use money, exercise, or food to stop our pain.

We have many choices. To survive, we may have used some of these options, only to find that these were Band Aids - temporary pain relievers that did not solve the problem. They did not really stop our pain; they postponed it.

In recovery, there is a better choice about how we may stop pain. We can face it and feel it. When we are ready, with God's help, we can summon the courage to feel the pain, let it go, and let the pain move forward - into a new decision, a better life.

We can stop the behaviors we are doing that cause pain, if that's appropriate. We can make a decision to remove ourselves from situations that cause repeated, similar pain. We can learn the lesson our pain is trying to teach us.

If we are being pelted by pain, there is a lesson. Trust that idea. Something is being worked out in us. The answer will not come from addictive or other compulsive behaviors; we will receive the answer when we feel our feelings.

It takes courage to be willing to stand still and feel what we must feel. Sometimes, we have what seems like endless layers of pain inside us. Pain hurts. Grief hurts. Sadness hurts. It does not feel good. But neither does denying what is already there; neither does living a lifetime with old and new pockets of pain packed, stored, and stacked within.

It will only hurt for a while, no longer than necessary, to heal us. We can trust that if we must feel pain, it is part of healing, and it is good. We can become willing to surrender to and accept the inevitable painful feelings that are a good part of recovery.

Go with the flow, even when the flow takes us through uncomfortable feelings. Release, freedom, healing, and good feelings are on the other side.

Today, I am open and willing to feel what I need to feel. I am willing to stop my compulsive behaviors. I am willing to let go of my denial. I am willing to feel what I need to feel to be healed, healthy, and whole.

Hazelden Foundation


  1. JBR you are such a blessing to me. I hoping for total healing for you and me. God wants us to be happy and healthy so we can give hope to other like ourselves. I know you are on the way and I'm trying each day to be more like Jesus.

  2. The courage to feel.
    Such a life-changing thought.
    It never ceases to take me aback
    when I hear it.
    I love what your blog
    does to the broken bits of me.
    Love how you're sharing the
    healing that is happening in you.
    Such a healer you're becoming!

  3. Hey JBR.. this is awesome...thank you so much for sharing this devotional and your testimony with us here. you are a blessing and i'm so glad i came by.

    Thank you for coming by to see me earlier today.


  4. Dear JBR,

    Thanks so much for your heartfelt and honest share, and for sharing that inspiring devotional. We have experienced many of the same events, and I've reacted in much the same way. It's a blessing to me that you have the courage to share your experience, strength and hope.

    Thanks, too, for stopping by my blog so faithfully during my recent period of infrequent postings. It always lifts my spirits to see your comments there. Hugs to you, my dear friend.

  5. wow. this is a power post...it is so easy to retreat...i did in those years between 16-21...and became ugly, keeping others away so i would get hurt again...

  6. The recourse I took was nevertheless a damaging one. Your honesty and outlook on life compels me. Your a blessing to the many hearts that read your blog.

  7. Thank you for sharing. God bless you!!!

  8. Amen. Blessings to you, JBR.

  9. JBR thank you for your continued honesty in your walk to freedom.  God Bless.

  10. I found this interesting and timely. Just the other day I was thinking about the fantasy life I had created for myself as a child.

    The second paragraph of the devotional also struck me. I am always questioning whether I am ready to "let go of that part of my life' that I have lived with for so long. It does take courage.

  11. I believe that letting go of the pain is as hard as undergoing it.It's like a rope one hold on to as not to fall.I guess letting it go means you now have found the courage to fly with wings of courage and acceptance!And to walk the path to a new life.

    Your road isn't easy.But your giving spirit and the beautiful person that you really are always comes out with the things you share.

  12. it is painful to feel and to be willing to be
    vulnerable like you have. i bless your transparency
    and pray that your pain will diminish with every
    time you share.

    there are MANY who have walked the painful
    road you have who will feel brave enough now
    to face their demons.

    thank you.

  13. May you continue to be healed by the Great Physician Himself the Lord Jesus Christ.

  14. You are such a Blessing to us straight from our Sweet Jesus Sis!!! Your note was a joy to see t for my heart as is this post from you deepest heart of hearts...You have shared you soul with us and WOW,, what an inspiration to soooo many too. Thanks for sharing with us on such a painful time in your life..
    Oh happy day,,when Jesus washed,,when He washed,,He washed my sins away.. Oh Happy day!!! And Our tears too Sweet Sis...
    May the Sweet Lord Jesus hold you near Him as you go through this new week,, and through what ever happy times or trials you might face...Hugs Dena

  15. Me too, JBR. I was reading your post with flashbacks of my own life running in my head like a motion picture. I'm ready too. The hurt is dissolving now because it must.

  16. Your real. Don't let anyone tell you differnt.

  17. I wish you continue on the path of healing, and find comfort in God, which is the strength source to our beings. Blessing to you for telling it like it is..

  18. Thank God that He is our Healer. Bless you for your courage and willingness to share your struggles and victories.

  19. Hello,

    You have written a very informative post which is an education for me.I do not know the world you lived in.It is very painful to read that you went through hardships and abuse right from your young age.To go through so much turmoil,suffering,indignity in life not due to your fault but forcibly imposed and inflicted on you by others.

    Your trust and belief in God will surely heal you and make you happy.You will get peace and healing through HIM.I look forward to the day when your spirits are high with joy and happiness and a focus in the right direction to live a fulfilled life with accomplishments about which you will be truly proud.

    Your story reminds me of Alice Walker's book THE COLOR PURPLE.

    Best wishes,

  20. Thank you for sharing JBR! During this difficult time in my life I have to be on guard for unhealthy behavior that I use to cope. What a timely post! Take care! *hugs* <3

  21. We have to allow ourselves to feel the pain, to acknowledge it and then let it go. Not easy. Hugs and prayers!

  22. This was an excellent devotional, JBR. Lots of things to think about. I've certainly done a lot of unwise stuff in my life so I appreciate your honesty in posting :)

  23. I pray for healing for you too - it still seems so raw for you. I hope for you some joy too. sandie

  24. I cried my friend, reading what you have gone through in your earlier years. I wanted to go back and save you from it all. Then I cried because I am so proud of you!!! You are not only a survivor but a healer!! You are helping so many others 'heal' by both telling your heartwrenching stories, but also with the 'how' to recover!!

    Again, so proud of you! & so glad to have you as a friend!!!
    Blessings & Hugh Hug,

  25. I don't think you will ever know how important it was for me to read this post...

    You are very open about your experience growing up.. I applaud you and thank you. Peace and happy writing

  26. Thank you so much for stopping by ((JBR)).
    Out battles are nor easy by no means, but when I witness such devotion in fighters like you...then I know that Lord has plans...
    God Bless You