"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

DEATH SENTENCE ***MAY TRIGGER***



* * * * MAY TRIGGER * * * *

The Lord is allowing painful "fearful" circumstances to come up in my life in order to deal with them. As most of you know I come from an extreme fear based upbringing. My mum the root cause of most of her and my irrational fears.

Although I have been in the process of working through my fears, I have a long way to go. Not realizing just how MUCH of a strong hold some of my worst fears are when it comes mainly to my physical body. Grant it, I do react irrationally with other things as well. But when it comes to my physical body that is a major trigger. That being said, any thing out of the ordinary that appears on my body or pain, I automatically go from A to Z (as my t. says). From life right to death. This was no more evident then last Thursday when something appeared on my body that was not there before. A mass. I have no idea how long it was there or if it just appeared?

Just to let you see how my mind works. I will attempt to explain exactly what went on last Thursday morning. When I discovered a mass on my arm at work within a split second I convinced myself I was going to die. I accepted death right then and there. No question about it. Only thing I wanted to change at that moment was I did not want to prolong my death sentence. I was desperate! Was not thinking clearly. Irrational. I was having a panic attack. I contemplated how I would end my life right at that moment. How I would do it. Who would find me. At my place of work even. I saw no hope. I saw no fight in me. I wanted to die. I did not care. I was so overcome with fear. I literally felt the blood drain from my body. I started sweating profusely and then I had diarrhea all within five minutes of seeing this mass. I skipped right from A to Z. I put a death sentence on something that I did not even have checked out. In reality it is more than likely a reaction to my "journey process," allergic, hive etc.

When stuff like this happens to me (last time I was so overwhelmed with fear was three years ago) I would be in a panic for days. I could not eat nor sleep. Consumed with worry is putting it lightly. No one would ever know what hell I was putting myself through mentally and emotionally. No one! I had no one to talk to. Total irrational thinking.

I felt alone. Frighten. Confused. The end. It is like I completely forget I have an awesome God, a Comforter, Someone I can go to in prayer. I personally take on my own emotional pain and suffer by myself. I think the worst. I loose all little hope that I have. After days and weeks passed, somehow I would manage to get through, thoughts of killing myself would subside...... until next time.

I had to get a handle on myself. I ended up in the bathroom (no one was in there at the time) and slumped to the floor and started sobbing and crying out, "not again" over and over. Trying to reassure myself that I would be okay. I did not want to go through the fear! Had an emotional breakdown. For the first time through this chaos I became pissed, angry and blamed my irrational fears on my mum.

When my mind became more lucid towards the end of the day after reasoning and constantly talking to myself that this was NOT a life threatening matter and sharing briefly with someone at work, I knew I could not pass up the opportunity to also share this extreme fear in t. later on that day. Otherwise, I do not think I could have. Only because I would not be able to share the intensity of this situation as it unfolded that day. I believe God had His hand in revealing my extreme fear in order to discuss it with my t. and then we could begin to work on this area. I am glad that I did. I knew I needed to.

27 comments:

  1. Any one that has had a lot of health problems and other problems has experienced "catastrophising" where something simple gets made larger than life, including me! Glad you realized it and started dealing with it! Yeah! Jbr!!

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  2. I'm so glad that you were able to observe all of this happening and to discuss it with your t. I can relate to a lot of this and just wanted to say that I am happy that you wrote this post because it gives a sense of power and hope. I'm so glad you shared this with people and that hopefully you have found some peace.
    Love.

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  3. Wow, it sounds like Thursday morning was really intense for you. I can only imagine how scared you must have been. But I also think it was fortunate that you had therapy later that day so you could process your thoughts and so your therapist could help you see a gray area between perfection and death. I hope your therapist was helpful to you.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  4. HUGS. The Lord is watching over you.

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  5. ((((((JBR))))) I understand what you are saying.

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  6. My poor dear JBR. I'm very sorry for your latest episode of panic. Satan has no authority over your mind. Remember that please.
    Your body prepares to run or fight. Your mind races uncontrollably. Frantically, you try to find an escape. But how do you run from your mind?
    Just reading what you wrote I know your episodes of terror are very real.
    My dear JBR as children of God we are always under his care. He has drawn near to us and drawn us near to him. His ear is close by our lips and he hears our every cry. In the darkness we hear his words, Do not fear. The sovereign creator of all things assures us that this situation is under his control. He loves you JBR as I do to. God Bless.

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  7. wow. sorry you had to go through it on one level but glad you did so you could confront it...

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  8. Wow Sis,,I soooooo get what you were saying, my mind tends to go in this same direction during these types of conditions or those times I think will become certain conditions in my life. Like a recent Doc appointment I had on friday..I soooo get what your sharing here and THANKS for posting about this tremendous FEAR feeling too. May our Sweet LORD cover You with blessings while you seek Him in this, His beautiful season.
    Isn't it magnificent knowing He is the Reason for every Season......Hugs Dena

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  9. A You've read my mind You've read my mind You've read my mind.

    I've never seen such a close resemblance to my life stated here. I suffer from sever panic attacks and take meds.

    I know what you';re talking about. Its not a picnic by far streach of the imagination. Drs have told me my fears are not real. How can they disclaim something so frightening. Beyond me. Thanks

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  10. I understand the panic, JBR.
    And the frustration with the fear.
    It's awesome that you can have
    a reaction ABOUT the reaction, now.
    All of this sounds like
    so much forward motion.
    Progress!
    Way to keep moving toward
    your total freedom.
    I can see it happening;
    you'll wallow in it some day:)
    -Jennifer

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  11. Another sidde you recovery. discovering who your really are in the process to healing.

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  12. Oh I'm very happy for you for trudging through your pain to victor jbr,

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  13. Oh JBR! I'm so sorry that you are going through such a terrible time. I've had panic attacks and know how brutal they can be. May our gentle Lord take you by the hand and free you from this kind of fear, my friend. May His peace be your peace. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  14. JBR, this post had me holding my breath briefly. I'm glad you have t now. I'm sending you special prayers, warmth, care and love. You're doing REMARKABLY! Applaud yourself! You're right- God has a plan. :)

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  15. Fear is a word, we do struggle with. God does have a plan. It is hard to wait on His plan

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  16. You are trying,each time you go down you try to pull yourself up.That's more than one can ask from you.

    I have a friend who would always panic when something appears on her body.I have to convince her over and over again that it's not gonna be the cause of her death.She will always say she would surely die before me.Eventually she would go to the doctor and find out it was just some infection she caught or some fatty tissues that needed removing.

    I hope that these kind of attacks doesn't come often.(BIG HUG)

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  17. As awful as this was for you it's interesting to see how you progressed through the experience. I think it is quite a break through to have those feelings of anger in midst of extreme anxiety and fear. I glad that were able to share it with your t in the same day.

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  18. There was awhile back when I became so fearful over a situation at hand that was so overwhelming to me, that I actually became sick of the fear, to the point that I said to myself, who cares what the outcome will be, then inhaled and exhaled with a few deep breaths, until the fear . . . was just no longer there.

    God's Blessings to you,

    Lon

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  19. JBR, you have done well in your self - observation, self care and reaching out for help. So very well done. This black nd white thinking is so very common to traumatized people. I do know it will be replaced with a healthier approach. You have done all possible in your might and with exercise along the road you will take this step too.

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  20. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

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  21. ah JBR... the very best I can say to you is that God KNOWS JBR! HE made you, He knows your past, and He alone is the one to help you, as He helps each one of us. We are such an imperfect people... His children, and yet... He came, was born, and died for JBR and Sonja and each one of us. May HE be your joy this Christmas! I love you my sweet friend!

    Sonja

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  22. (((JBR)))) Bless you with much strength, peace, hope,love, grace, and joy...you inspire me. Thank you. XX

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  23. aw, my dear, we all have had similar situations. You don't have to blame your mom or your traumatic experiences. We all experience catastrophic events to some extend. I find some inspiring the way you found a rationale to the situation and were able to overcome the crisis. Thanks for sharing with us.

    Praying for you.

    Doris

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  24. we can only work on a problem when we recognize it. See your awareness as a blessing

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  25. JBR, I feel so incredibly sad after reading this, sad you had to go through all that fear and the agony of not knowing. I can't imagine how that must be and I'm sorry you have to experience things like that.

    I can only second (or third or fourth:) the words of everyone above who said that God is with you always. He knows your heart and has a plan for you that is for your good.

    You are strong and I always feel like it's a privilege to read your honest words.

    Big, big hugs JBR.

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  26. I'm sorry Sister. I hate fear. As Joyce Meyer says, "False Evidence Appearing Real" -- argh. Such a hateful demon.

    If we only understood the POWER living inside of us -- God's Spirit.

    I'm thankful the devil didn't win. You are still here -- didn't follow through with is plan of death for you.

    God bless you today! You are VICTORIOUS.

    Love & hugs!
    Beth

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  27. {{{HUGS}}}
    JBR, I am sorry that you went through that Thursday. When I feel that way all I can do is wait it out. Fear of the unknown is panic time for me.

    I like the saying that "Courage is fear having said it's prayers".

    Love you,
    Pam

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