DEATH SENTENCE ***MAY TRIGGER***

* * * * MAY TRIGGER * * * *
The Lord is allowing painful "fearful" circumstances to come up in my life in order to deal with them. As most of you know I come from an extreme fear based upbringing. My mum the root cause of most of her and my irrational fears.

Although I have been in the process of working through my fears, I have a long way to go. Not realizing just how MUCH of a strong hold some of my worst fears are when it comes mainly to my physical body. Grant it, I do react irrationally with other things as well. But when it comes to my physical body that is a major trigger. That being said, any thing out of the ordinary that appears on my body or pain, I automatically go from A to Z (as my t. says). From life right to death. This was no more evident then last Thursday when something appeared on my body that was not there before. A mass. I have no idea how long it was there or if it just appeared?

Just to let you see how my mind works. I will attempt to explain exactly what went on last Thursday morning. When I discovered a mass on my arm at work within a split second I convinced myself I was going to die. I accepted death right then and there. No question about it. Only thing I wanted to change at that moment was I did not want to prolong my death sentence. I was desperate! Was not thinking clearly. Irrational. I was having a panic attack. I contemplated how I would end my life right at that moment. How I would do it. Who would find me. At my place of work even. I saw no hope. I saw no fight in me. I wanted to die. I did not care. I was so overcome with fear. I literally felt the blood drain from my body. I started sweating profusely and then I had diarrhea all within five minutes of seeing this mass. I skipped right from A to Z. I put a death sentence on something that I did not even have checked out. In reality it is more than likely a reaction to my "journey process," allergic, hive etc.

When stuff like this happens to me (last time I was so overwhelmed with fear was three years ago) I would be in a panic for days. I could not eat nor sleep. Consumed with worry is putting it lightly. No one would ever know what hell I was putting myself through mentally and emotionally. No one! I had no one to talk to. Total irrational thinking.

I felt alone. Frighten. Confused. The end. It is like I completely forget I have an awesome God, a Comforter, Someone I can go to in prayer. I personally take on my own emotional pain and suffer by myself. I think the worst. I loose all little hope that I have. After days and weeks passed, somehow I would manage to get through, thoughts of killing myself would subside...... until next time.

I had to get a handle on myself. I ended up in the bathroom (no one was in there at the time) and slumped to the floor and started sobbing and crying out, "not again" over and over. Trying to reassure myself that I would be okay. I did not want to go through the fear! Had an emotional breakdown. For the first time through this chaos I became pissed, angry and blamed my irrational fears on my mum.

When my mind became more lucid towards the end of the day after reasoning and constantly talking to myself that this was NOT a life threatening matter and sharing briefly with someone at work, I knew I could not pass up the opportunity to also share this extreme fear in t. later on that day. Otherwise, I do not think I could have. Only because I would not be able to share the intensity of this situation as it unfolded that day. I believe God had His hand in revealing my extreme fear in order to discuss it with my t. and then we could begin to work on this area. I am glad that I did. I knew I needed to.