"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


I shut down my feelings early on in my child hood. The sexual abuse from my older brother, the fear, neglect, shame, criticism, guilt I felt from both my parents, I quickly learned in my household not to express certain emotions. Except fear. That seemed to be the only feeling I did not shut off. My mum reeked from fear of the unknown. You saw it on her face. You heard it in her voice. My heart was very vulnerable and took on her irrational fears as well. Something I am battling daily now in my life to break free from.

My father was an absentee father. Present in body, but not emotionally. Playing outside all day as a tom-boy with my friends filled my empty void. Filled the lack of nurturing from both my parents.

The evenings I do not recall my father being around much. Both my parents were alcoholics and heavy Camel cigarette smokers. My mum supported us. My dad could not hold down a job. He became bored very easily and drank. When I came home from school I would always find my dad asleep with beer cans and porno magazines surrounding him. That was the reason for their major verbal arguments which eventually led to their divorce when I was 10 and splitting up our family. Then I had to deal with my mum remarrying within a couple of months and then me having to move away from familiarity with her to a new surrounding and living with a man who I have never met and having to be told to like him. My other brother remaining with my father and my oldest brother who was in Vietnam at the time having not only to deal with the war but his family breakup. Oh yeah! I shut down my feelings. I shut everything out. I was in emotional pain. I was in my own emotional fear. My whole life came to an abrupt halt at such a young age. To this day, I have been in a constant state of anxiety resulting in fear most of my life. When I wake up until I go to bed. My body really has never experienced relaxation.

Since in recovery I am discovering feelings. Most right now painful. But they are feelings nevertheless. When I am in the Spirit that is a total different feeling. A good one. I had to open myself up to feel in order to go through my pain.

And. . . . .

It's okay to have and feel our feelings - all of them.

Years into recovery, we may still be battling with ourselves about this issue. Of all the prohibitions we've lived with, this one is potentially the most damaging and the most long-lived.

Many of us needed to shut down the emotional part of ourselves to survive certain situations. We shut down the part of us that feels anger, sadness, fear, joy, and love. We may have turned off our sexual or sensual feelings too. Many of us lived in systems with people who refused to tolerate our emotions. We were shamed or reprimanded for expressing feelings, usually by people who were taught to repress their own.

But times have changed. It is okay now for us to acknowledge and accept our emotions. We don't need to allow our emotions to control us; neither do we need to allow our emotions to control us; neither do we need to rigidly repress our feelings. Our emotional center is a valuable part of us. It's connected to our physical well being, our thinking, and our spirituality.

Our feelings are also connected to that great gift, instinct. They enable us to give and receive love.

We are neither weak nor deficient for indulging in our feelings. It means we're becoming healthy and whole.

Today, I will allow myself to recognize and accept whatever feelings pass through me. Without shame, I will tune in to the emotional part of myself.

Hazelden Foundation.


  1. So very true, bless you.

  2. I was so shut down I regret that it has taken so long for some healing to take place in my life. I hated the negative feelings, but by acknowledging them, I could finally feel joy and love. I see so much growth and love in you. God is there and making something beautiful out of your life.

  3. Good stuff! Thanks as always for your very honest sharing.

  4. Thanks for sharing your heart. You are healing and growing! God is blessing you. Keep moving forward friend.

  5. "It's okay to have and feel our feelings - all of them." This is the best sentence....it's taken me so long to accept its truth. Hugs to you JBR...☺☺☺


  7. JBR a topic I know to well,feelings. What would life be like without them I say? Like flowers without fragrance. Night without moon or stars. Food without taste. Grass and sky without color. Skin and hands without a sense of touch. Everything would be black and white. Deadly dull and boring. We'd be little more than computers. Fortunately our society is acknowledging that we are much more than body and mind. We are spirit as well with a deep capacity to feel. Also, integrating our emotions with body and mind is essential for healthy and wholesome living. And those of us, men and women, who grew up in dysfunctional families don't know how to relate intimately because as children we weren't allowed to trust, feel or talk intimately. We never learned to communicate openly and honestly. To survive we had to deny our feelings. However, to live fully as adults, we need to get back in touch with our emotions and learn how to communicate them creatively. JBR there I go preaching again. Didn't mean to. I know you know this and I'm sure you do pray. I know you've been hurt as a child and had built walls around your heart to stop feeling the pain. Unfortunately, this cut off your good feelings as well. Asking God to help you feel again and lead you to the help you needed. He did. However, reading your posts I see getting through your walls is painful. But you have learned to feel again–and are much healthier physically, emotionally and spiritually I believe, right? Okay I typed long enough. God Bless you JBR.

  8. JBR: Soon it will be January. Looking forward to the NEXT year. Who knows where you will be at this time in 2011?? You have come so far in 2010!!! I would rather deal with a million illnesses that one day of having to figure out how to fix a broken childhood. ((JBR))

  9. I am so proud that you're opening up now. God bless you, JBR.

  10. You have come a long way, my friend. It's not an easy task trying to confront a terrifying past while also trying to handle day to day pressures and stress. I know this has been extremely hard on you. I pray God blesses you with immense peace and healing this coming year, JBR.
    Sending you a big hug for Christmas! You can be sure I'll be praying for you!
    God bless you, JBR :)

  11. Never being able to 'relax' ...I call it 'stuck in high gear'...all the time. The adrenal hormones are out of whack! Completely worn out! I've been stuck in high gear my whole life too. I've worked really hard to 'de-stress my life and calm my fears. But certain situations bombard me with those 'familiar' spirits that play havoc with my mind and emotions until God shows me the truth behind the lie and helps me stand - instead of fold into the agony.

    He is my strong tower! indeed!

    As always, thanks for sharing and for always showing up on the bridge to give me a hug. Tonight, it's my turn to give you a hug

    {{{gentle hugs}}}

    Christmas Blessings
    Patrina <")>><

  12. it is good that you have this place to let them out as well...our feelings are an essnetial part of who we are...most times it is what we do with them that makes all the difference in the world...sorry for what you went through and glad you are finding your strength more and more...

  13. Your feelings are gorgeous.
    And you are growing more
    beautiful every day.
    Such a joy to see the
    healing happening in you.
    Like a runner at a difficult part
    of the race,
    I see the pain and ache for you
    but I also see the progress
    and forward motion
    and how well you are running
    and I'm cheering wildly
    for you.

  14. JBR, I was thinking about you yesterday. If you have the time visit www.louisehay.com or some of her books on Amazon ... Merry Christmas to you! Sending lots of love!!!

  15. I hope with time, your pain and ache lessen!

    Stopping by to wish you a wonderful holiday..

  16. Passing by to wish you a Merry Christmas JBR and a Happy New Year! May His richest blessings always surround you!

  17. That's the thing about feelings-- you can't have all good feelings or all bad feelings. They come in a mix. So with the good we have to accept and work through the bad. Of course, this is much easier said than done, but it sounds like you're doing it! Way to go!

    Wishing you well,

  18. This brought tears to my eyes. Your growing so much and it's a beautiful thing. I pray that you enjoy your Christmas. ((HUGS))

  19. Fresh year begins, let's put the lessons of the year to good use. Put the bad memories away.
    God will heal, God always hears.

    A Blessed and Holy Christmas to you.

    "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." Mary Anne Radmacher


  20. Good for you sweetie!!!

    May you feel loved and blessed this Christmas and I hope it is just magnificent for you sweetie!!!

    You always manage to touch my heart :o)

  21. Just wanted to stop by and wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas.

  22. Merry Christmas to you dear JBR. Yes my first in the states...
    Wish you the best.

  23. Just dropping by to wish you Merry Christmas! :)

  24. Your post was good timing for me as I just wrote a blog entry on emotions and how they have been compartmentalized all my life. I was raised in a family where so many emotions were not allowed....at least for me to have...the abusers had plenty of rage and other stuff. That's probably another reason why we are so afraid of those feelings. And it was certainly not acceptable for me to cry or express feeling unhappy. But, now is the time to redo all that...try to experience those feelings without shame which is a tall order, but I know it can be done in time with God's healing hand. Thank you for your blog. I get so much from it as well as can relate. ~Cassandra