INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS

I have difficulty in engaging in any type of intimate relationship. I hold a lot of fear and shame in this area. I run away before anything becomes serious. I lack the confidence in who I am and fear that I am going to be hurt both emotionally and sexually.

Being sexually abused by my older brother at 8/9; my parents divorcing when I was 10; being forced to move away from my father, brothers, friends and hometown with my mum who quickly re-married before the ink dried on the divorce papers.

My whole little life was in an uproar. I hurt. I had no one to talk to. My mum was just filling her needs to be married again and have someone. But, I did not know how to express my hurt except to turn it within. I felt angry, abandoned by my father and neglected emotionally. I hurt deeply for my father's love. I shut down.

While growing up, my mum did all the correcting. Criticized, shamed and judged me. Both my father and step-father had no part in disciplining me. She ruled the roost!

At times I was blamed for things that I was not responsible for. Shamed for expressing hurt. Shamed for not doing things properly the way "mummie wanted it done." I missed my father terribly and desired so much for his attention. Even unto his death, I felt so distant from my father as he laid in a coma.

Even though I can at times have somewhat of a distorted view of God (who I have projected to be my earthly father), my perception of Him is changing for the better. The more I come before Him, the more the Holy Spirit ministers to my pain, my emotions and my mindset.

I look forward to the day of total freedom and actually feeling His love for me!!

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."Hebrews 4:16

Many of us find it very difficult to feel confident in intimate relationships. If we learned early in life that the people most important to us were unapproachable, then confidently approaching others as adults may be difficult. There are many ways to learn that approaching other people is dangerous. It can come from abuse, or criticism, or disinterest.

One result of experiences of this kind is that we find it difficult to be confident when we approach God. This is particularly true when we are feeling fragile, weak or needy. The last thing we expect is mercy and grace in our time of need. We expect to be criticized. We expect God to say 'why are you still so needy?'. We expect to be abandoned. We expect God to say 'I'm busy now.' We expect to be rejected. We expect God to say 'If only you had more faith or prayed more or read the Bible more or trusted me more.' With expectations like this, it is no surprise that we lack confidence when approaching God.

But God offers us an invitation we long to hear. He invites us to approach. And, God invites us to come with confidence. God will pay attention. God will hear us. God will be interested in our well-being. God will respond with mercy, grace and help.

I don't have much confidence, Lord.
I don't trust other people very much .
I don't trust you very much.
I don't expect mercy and grace
from anybody, especially in times when I'm this needy.
I expect criticism, abandonment, and rejection.

Thank you for inviting me to come to you.
Thank you for providing good reasons to have confidence in you.
You are full of mercy and grace.

This is a time of need for me, Lord.
Give me confidence to approach you today.
I need your mercy and grace.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan