"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Sunday, December 05, 2010


I have difficulty in engaging in any type of intimate relationship. I hold a lot of fear and shame in this area. I run away before anything becomes serious. I lack the confidence in who I am and fear that I am going to be hurt both emotionally and sexually.

Being sexually abused by my older brother at 8/9; my parents divorcing when I was 10; being forced to move away from my father, brothers, friends and hometown with my mum who quickly re-married before the ink dried on the divorce papers.

My whole little life was in an uproar. I hurt. I had no one to talk to. My mum was just filling her needs to be married again and have someone. But, I did not know how to express my hurt except to turn it within. I felt angry, abandoned by my father and neglected emotionally. I hurt deeply for my father's love. I shut down.

While growing up, my mum did all the correcting. Criticized, shamed and judged me. Both my father and step-father had no part in disciplining me. She ruled the roost!

At times I was blamed for things that I was not responsible for. Shamed for expressing hurt. Shamed for not doing things properly the way "mummie wanted it done." I missed my father terribly and desired so much for his attention. Even unto his death, I felt so distant from my father as he laid in a coma.

Even though I can at times have somewhat of a distorted view of God (who I have projected to be my earthly father), my perception of Him is changing for the better. The more I come before Him, the more the Holy Spirit ministers to my pain, my emotions and my mindset.

I look forward to the day of total freedom and actually feeling His love for me!!

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."Hebrews 4:16

Many of us find it very difficult to feel confident in intimate relationships. If we learned early in life that the people most important to us were unapproachable, then confidently approaching others as adults may be difficult. There are many ways to learn that approaching other people is dangerous. It can come from abuse, or criticism, or disinterest.

One result of experiences of this kind is that we find it difficult to be confident when we approach God. This is particularly true when we are feeling fragile, weak or needy. The last thing we expect is mercy and grace in our time of need. We expect to be criticized. We expect God to say 'why are you still so needy?'. We expect to be abandoned. We expect God to say 'I'm busy now.' We expect to be rejected. We expect God to say 'If only you had more faith or prayed more or read the Bible more or trusted me more.' With expectations like this, it is no surprise that we lack confidence when approaching God.

But God offers us an invitation we long to hear. He invites us to approach. And, God invites us to come with confidence. God will pay attention. God will hear us. God will be interested in our well-being. God will respond with mercy, grace and help.

I don't have much confidence, Lord.
I don't trust other people very much .
I don't trust you very much.
I don't expect mercy and grace
from anybody, especially in times when I'm this needy.
I expect criticism, abandonment, and rejection.

Thank you for inviting me to come to you.
Thank you for providing good reasons to have confidence in you.
You are full of mercy and grace.

This is a time of need for me, Lord.
Give me confidence to approach you today.
I need your mercy and grace.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan


  1. I have been dealing with extended family drama for the last few weeks. It is frustrating...However, GOD continually reminds me that my self worth is not found in any of these people but in HIM and HIM alone!
    Hang in there!
    Hugs, love, and prayers, andrea

  2. JBR, my attention was caught by that pic next to your post where Jesus is hugging that girl. I suddenly found myself praying for you...For you to feel His hugs more and more. Take care. And here's some from me :) [[[JBR]]].

  3. you know he can free you from that..it may take time...but i know he can...

  4. Your post open up a can of worms. Iknow I’ve been sexually abused in the past as a child. My father and uncle had there way with me many times. Coming into my room at tnight doing awful things to me as a child. I remember I was so scared I could not even cry out. I hated my father and uncle. I never told anyone. I tried counseling only to fail. I was scared to face my terrors. Lately memories have been creeping up again in me and I’m having nightmares. My marriage is in shambles. I think I need to go and seek help. Your so honest in your posts. I read your bio and how much you want to be set free. Me to. Me to. I’m encourage by your strength and words.

  5. JBR God will heal you. I'm sure of it. The day will come when your readers will witness the post that will read "I am loved." That will be exsquisite! Can't wait. God Bless.

  6. The depth of our pain doesn't show until we stop moving...and looking back. It takes a lot of courage to do that, that's how I see it...

    I hope someday(hopefully soon), dear God shows you a sign...a sign that will talk to you heart, and your wisdom will compile it...so you may trust a guy, without "fear". You're a wonderful person JBR, please...if you felt the presence of the one, who carries the love of heavenly father for you on this earth...let him to knock on your heart.

  7. JBR, you're getting there. :) Your Mum's era of ruling your thoughts is over. Saying a prayer so you may trust. :) :)

  8. Such beautiful raw honesty.
    Something holy about that.
    Thanks for posting, JBR.

  9. Oh JBR, I can relate all too well to this. No words of wisdom, just want you to know, I am feeling with you. Praying for you, friend. ((JBR))

  10. May God's peace be with you, JBR, as He works through these terrible traumas of your past. Always believe that He will heal you. He loves you very much. Others have failed you but He NEVER will. God bless you, my friend.

  11. Praying that you feel the loving arms of Jesus around you, caressing you so you can feel the joy of total and complete love and easing of your pain. Blessings and hugs to you!

  12. I can certainly relate with what you have written on intimacy. When i was talking to my t about it I told her that whenever I even just think about it, it seems like a big steel wall just drops down. It seems to be a very big strong hold in me. I can see how God has been working with your mindset and I find it encouraging.

  13. JBR, keep speaking the raw truth - it will eventually break the darkness and set your free. As you share - others are encouraged to face the truth too and HOPE for freedom. God promises victory - what a day of victory that will be.

    Hugs to you, my friend
    Patrina <")>><
    warrior Bride in boots

  14. I can really relate to this post and have been feeling the same way about relationships, especially recently. Trusting people is so hard and more so when people let me down. I wonder if I'll ever have a relationship again.
    Thank you for posting this, you're certainly not alone.
    Gentle hugs..

  15. Havent been here in awhile. Dealing with my own issues as well. JBR keep the faith. Your support of readers are encourgaing.

  16. Thanks for sharing that. I know a lot of what you speak about as my past is similar. Hugs to you on the journey.

  17. Thanks for sharing with us your deep emotions, your painful memories and feelings. Thanks for your HUG! I needed it. Many days I immerse in my thought, in deep solitude and crave hugs. My husband, he is such a nice man, but he is not a huggy person. So I very much appreciate unexpected hugs!

    ((((((( hugs )))))) and blessings.

  18. JBR, your memories so painful, the anger the fear that just naturally arises from what you have been through. I'm sending you peace. I'm sending you love. I applaud your courage to want to change things and to become free, loving and letting others to love you back ... blessings!

  19. Hugs back to you dear JBR.
    This was a hard and honest post to read. I agree with the other comments, you are truly healing! You are seeking God and He will not disappoint.
    The prayer you posted at the end was just beautiful. Praying for you for peace and healing in every area of your life.
    Love Colleen

  20. ((((HUGS))) to you JBR - from one who has been there. Chatty Crone

  21. (((HUGS))) I have not been there, as much. I do feel for you!

  22. Wishing you peace this season and believing with you for the day of breakthrough. Jesus light shines at Christmas. May you feel His warmth and wholeness.

  23. Intimate relationships are difficult no matter what! But I understand that your past brings different dimensions to the problem that maybe some people cannot understand.

    You deserve love. (((JBR)))

    Wishing you well,