Did not think I would be posting on this subject any time soon. Who would of thought?
NOT ME!
Just before the holiday's began a couple of months ago, I sensed in my Spirit that the Lord wanted to begin some other avenue of deep emotional healing in me.
The last few days since I have been off from work and not preoccupied by the pressures of my job and people I work with. The Lord has been impressing upon me even more strongly that when I am in His presence worshiping and the songs talk about His love, this is the time for me not to close my heart to the message. Not to run away.
That is what I have been doing. Afraid to listen. Afraid to commit. Afraid to trust Him. The unknown. Not understanding what His love really is like. I have never experienced a healthy kind of love. So I shut down in this area out of fear.
He wants me to stop running. He wants for me to hear. To feel. To experience. HOWEVER LONG IT MAY TAKE. Even if I do not right away sing along with the song(s) to at least listen to them. Let the words minister to me. No matter how uncomfortable I am feeling.
There is one church I have also been attending that basically does a lot of "love based" worship songs. It has been hard for me at times to worship there.
This will certainly be a challenge. Even typing this post is making me extremely uncomfortable and vulnerable. I am scared. Because my mind is saying, "NO," but my heart is truly breaking to feel His love. My heart aches. Hurts terribly! There has been an emptiness, a hole for so long.
I gather He is letting me experience the route of music first. He knows I enjoy praise and worship so much.
Later on the reward hopefully would be not only to feel His love, His JOY, but to return it to Him! Then be able to share His love with others.
Accepting, even now, when "sincere" people tell me they love me or sign off with love, for me not to reject their love or turn a deaf ear. You guys have been even great with doing this. And I am getting better with accepting your appreciation for me.
Oh but still so difficult at times.
I hope I made sense????
You made perfect sense to me JBR. What a difficult place to be. But the LIGHT above you and within you - will show the way. Just keep walking...it will be OK.
ReplyDeleteBig Hugs
Patrina <")>><
Yay, JBR!!! With the new year, you're making great strides! I like that you're feeling up to the challenge and tackling it with as much grace!! Go girl!!!! :) :) :) :) :)
ReplyDeleteJBR I'm excited for you. You're obedience in listening to the Lord can only be rewarded. Happy New Year as you venture out with his hand in your leading you to new levels of your freedom. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteYou totally make sense. It is hard to open up to receive -- even from God -- when you've been hurt by others. But you are heading in the right direction and I'm happy for you!
ReplyDeleteFor years I felt like I could "relate" to Jesus and even to the Holy Spirit more than Father God. I expected judgment from Him. God has brought healing in that thinking over the years. You will have breakthrough too Sister!
Blessings to you! Happy New Year!
Beth
yes you make sense. and its when we stop controlling where we think we need to go, that the rewards will come...
ReplyDeleteYou made perfect sense dear JBR!
ReplyDeleteSome people speak the same language your heart does. So don't be surprised that there will a few "sincere" whispers :)
Thanks for sharing
YOU MADE SENSE. I'VE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE. IT DOES GET EASIER. YOU'RE LOVED JBR AND I SAY TO YOU I LOVE YOU.
ReplyDeleteYou are REAL, so of course, you made sense :) I admire the courage you always have when you write with transparency JBR. To expose your hurt. But through those, we see the OLD JBR being replaced with a NEW JBR...The new being a new creation in His awesome restoration! Glory be to God! God bless you and protect you.
ReplyDeleteJBR: You absolutely make sense. Love is truly a scary emotion because it makes you feel vulnerable - which is what life has taught you. Hope you are able to be brave enough and well enough to make this your year of opening your heart!!!
ReplyDeleteLove can be such a vulnerable place to be...it can open us up to the possibility of hurts e don't want to experience. Scary for sure so you totally make sense to me JBR. Praying this year is a beautiful one for you.
ReplyDeleteWhy does it seem those of us that give the most love, support and caring have the hardest time recieving it? My prayer is that 2011 brings this gift to you...recieving love from others is a gift back to the giver....you deserve love..the healthy kind...I can relate all too well to this struggle...((((JBR)))) Hugs and love going your way. XX
ReplyDeleteIt made perfect sense to me. I still struggle with trusting love or feeling worthy of it. Sounds like your making progress and that is awesome.
ReplyDeleteI am often told not to "fight" it. But what made sense to me the most was when someone told me I was trying too hard. Listening is always the most difficult.
ReplyDeleteYour progress is amazing. You deserve the peace that is found in love. Without Jesus there is no real love or healing. You are on the right path. One step at a time.
ReplyDeleteI think you made total sense! Love is so hard to accept. I always love the line from the musical "Rent" that says "You'll never share real love until you love yourself, I should know." I think it's true. Accepting love from anyone is an exercise in self-acceptance. And I think you are well on your way!
ReplyDeleteWishing you well,
NOS
PS- I thoroughly enjoy inserting musical references into my comments.
Perfect sense. He wants us to feel for ourselves what he feels for us every day. Such a hard thing to do, but it is all possible through Him.
ReplyDeleteI think when you are raised and feel unlovable - it is the hardest thing to open up and recieve love - you always question it for awhile. It is normal. You know no matter how long I live - I will always have my doubts - but it doesn't matter that much anymore. Life might not change - but how we handle it - that changes.
ReplyDeleteDoes that make sense to you?
Love,
sandie
happy 2011
I absolutely understand;
ReplyDeletelove is such a powerful thing
and it can't be managed
or controlled
or dodged delicately.
It's just so HUGE.
(He IS Love, afterall)
It intimidates the crap
out of me, too.
And I want it
and fear it
equally.
Only Love can help us learn
to be loved.
Thank God it is patient!
Cheering you on,
Jennifer
You always make sense:) Love can be hard to accept when for so long you have felt unlovable or only gotten your self worth from others. You are taking a leap of faith and that is how you grow. Sending {{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDeleteYou made sense to me!!! God's Blessings to you on this New Year!!! I am having quite a hard time, but I know I can stay strong with the help from my Lord Jesus Christ!!!
ReplyDeleteGod Bless you JBR!!!
Lon
Afraid of whatever is tough. I hope you keep progressing! Yes you make sense, now me??
ReplyDeletekim
you make a ton of sense and I've learned nothing can heal as love....hugs to you JBR
ReplyDeletelove is a scary thing. especially when you've experienced people you love hurting you. and found that loving them made it harder to set boundaries or take care of yourself. but love, even though it does bring about a sense of vulnerability, doesn't have to mean weak or the kind of vulnerable where you will necessarily be hurt. you can be strong AND vulnerable. be loved AND feel safe. love can be safe. you can be loved and still feel protected. you don't have to shut love out to protect yourself. though i can understand why we do this...when it's hard to tell the difference between safe and healthy love. but trusting yourself to know when it's safe is a big part of learning to embrace the kind of love every child deserved all along. wishing you peace and happiness!
ReplyDeleteI do second Katie's words above. And yes, you make a lot of sense!
ReplyDeleteAccepting praise, compliments and love has been very hard for me too. I decided to first not destroy them. Just letting them stand. Later on I learned to accept them one by one.
After all the pain I experienced when it comes to Skip, I never thought possible that we would advance, learn and grow together. You know what? Love and marriage actually can be FUN.