"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Monday, February 07, 2011

EMOTIONAL PAIN FROM AN INANIMATE OBJECT

I bought a new car Saturday. I am still trying to get excited about it. I will get there. But, anyway, the interesting part, is the car I traded in for this new car.

I was trading in a 13 year old car, bought new at the time, and when I traded it in on Saturday I began to sob uncontrollably. "Where is this coming from," I thought quickly. I do not usually cry in public. But, I could not contain myself. Glad I was wearing my sunglasses at the time. Could I be missing this car that much? No. It was a surprising underlying painful emotional attachment to it. Which I did not think would surface "in a car" of all things. But it did.

Thirteen years ago was a time where I was going through one of the worst "sick relationships" I have ever had. The person was still in contact with me during this time when I purchased the car. The emotional and nurturing attachment was very severe on my end of the relationship. About four months later after buying the car, I severed the relationship.

The following few years were very difficult for me. A blur at times. I never never never never shared this relationship with anyone until I went into t. two and a half years ago. So much shame, guilt and condemnation came from this relationship. There was a period of time I could not function in society, hold down a job because of the shame, emotional pain, severe depression (which I was on meds at the time) I was enduring all by myself. I was seeing another t. for other issues at the time and in that last session of ours (as I stopped going because I could not face the pain) I told her briefly what had happened. She was very concerned for me and wanted to admit me. I could not handle being admitted. So I stopped t. all together abruptly. The next few years I went through literal hell. I could not bare sharing what I did and what I went through with anyone. So much SHAME!! Not that I had anyone to share with in the first place. I did not. Even though God was in my life, I pushed Him so very far away. I felt shame before Him as well. I was wallowing in my pain close to three years, all alone. I felt I deserved it. Day in and day out. Obsessed.

So, anyway, the trading in of my old car on Saturday drudged up some of those very painful memories. This is something I am going to have to process and work through still. I am hurting today. Because, apparently I have never dealt with some of these issues.


31 comments:

  1. One of the gazillion things I love
    about the Lord
    (who is a magnificent shepherd)
    is that He only has us see
    and deal with things
    when He has us ready.
    He has all of the people
    and props in place
    so that we're going to succeed
    as we take on the new challenge
    of letting Him love us whole
    and free
    in a new room
    in our hearts.
    I celebrate that the time has come
    for you to be restored
    in this part of your soul.
    He knows what He is doing;
    SO good at this type of thing:)
    He is the author and finisher,
    and will take you there
    so the hardest thing He is going to
    ask you to do
    is yield.
    Trusting with and for you
    and cheering you on,
    Jennifer

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  2. I will cry when it is time to give up my car "Stormy" when the time comes. (I name my cars)I think its a good thing to start a new and make new good memories with this new one to let go of the bad in the other.

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  3. JBR I'm sorry your hurting from your current discovery. Good and bad memories come with the territory of life. One day they are with us and the next, forgotten, perhaps to be recalled at a later date. Some memories linger or recur often, particularly the traumatic ones. People speak of being “haunted” by their memories and the emotions they dredge up — some pleasant, even joyful, others painful and damaging.  Praying God will heal you in this memory.  God Bless.

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  4. This is a meaningful post, remember and remind yourself that the pain you feel will not kill you and it will aid you in growing and becoming the person you are and wish to be...

    Love

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  5. WOW! JBR I'M SORRY FOR YOUR PAIN. WISH I COULD GIVE YOU A HUG AND TELL YOU YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE IT. I MAY EMAIL YOU IF THAT'S OK. IMAGINE A CAR TRIGGERING YOUR UNCOVERED PAIN. WELL WHO CAN ARGUE WITH A GOD AND HOW HE DEALS WITH US INDIVIDUALLY. HUGS TO YOU.

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  6. OH MY THE WAY, I HOPE YOU GOT A NICE CAR AND CONGRATULATIONS.

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  7. Healing will always be a slow and painful process.
    HUGS

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  8. Sounds like a good trade though. Old car, old attachments, for new car, new beginnings. Hugs to you.

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  9. The person who put you through so much hurt is a jerk. They should feel the guilt, not you. Grow out of it, JBR. I know I'm probably sounding mean. I'm saying the same statement to myself, too. You, me and countless others out there need to know that we did our best, we were the nicest versions of ourselves. Feel proud!

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  10. You are such a brave soul JBR! Praying for you tonight....

    I sold my first car - the first that I had ever bought on my own - the year I was divorced. I sold it after I began taking care of dad - we needed his car to transport him - mine was too low :) I cried too..but for good reasons. it was my Holy Spirit car. I dedicated it to God - as He told me to do - and the Lord used my car in my dreams - to represent the HOLY SPIRIT. For 7 years, my car represented the HS in my dreams (and I'm an prolific spiritual dreamer) I haven't once dreamed of my dad's car :) so I miss my car! (I just recently dedicated dad's car to the Lord too) Change is hard - no matter how you stack it. Life is harsh sometimes. I'm sorry your experience was so painful but I know God is going to walk you through it ...cause you are so brave. God is so kind and gentle - He will never shame you!

    Keep holding on to JESUS
    Patrina <")>><

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  11. it always amazes me how such seemingly 'innocent' things can trigger the most painful memories and emotions... i get you. love and hugs.

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  12. JBR: Out with the old and in with the new! Gladness on my part that you have a new car, a wonderful new car!!! And the sadness didn't stop you from moving on too!! Way to go JBR!

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  13. I''m sorry for the difficult times. It does seem as though trading in your car has sparked painful memories. But you did it! You got through the worst of it and now you have something new. You are strong and whatever has come up, you are now ready to deal with and accept the healing that God wants to give to you. Give it all to Him.
    Andie

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  14. Hang in there JBR. Praying for your restored mental and emotional health.

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  15. nice...you know everything happens for a reason...dont take it lightly as you walk through these memories. praying as you continue to walk through these....

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  16. Catopture these tiems as your healing. Nothing goes unnoticed by God and hes plan is the best alwyas.

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  17. Well my friend, consider it a good thing to find this hidden pain. It is better for it to be exposed now that you're stronger. You can release all shame in Jesus' Name. WHATEVER you did that heaped shame upon you is under the blood. Once you repented it was as far as the east from the west. Forgive yourself and let God have it.

    We have a car that we dated in (my husbands first nice car). After 21 years of marriage, it still sits in a barn. Ha. Anyway, during that season of life, I was bound by fear. I have sat in that car and felt those old feelings try to rise up again. Blech!

    I have no doubt that you will work through whatever God reveals JBR. (((hugs)))

    Love,
    b

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  18. Heidi JohnstonFebruary 08, 2011

    Found your blog through Sarah's Gentle Recovery blog. I'm amazed at how much you're like me. Our upbringing is very similar. I'll take time in the coming weeks to read more on you. What touches me more than anything is your openness. Just reading some of the titles of your posts would indicate some topics that aren't usually discussed. Or not discussed with such openness. Looking forward to reading. In the meantime, let God work on your areas of concern. He's big enough to do that. Your new friend in Christ,

    Heidi Johnston

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  19. Continuing to pray for you, my friend!!

    I have an award for you at Arise 2 Write. It is the second post down. Your blog is much more than Stylish....you are allowing GOD to use you daily. You deserve "every" award out there!

    I have a prayer request at All Gods Creatures.

    Hugs, prayers, and blessings,
    andrea

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  20. Oh JBR! Hugs to you, my friend. Tears are good though and very healing to the soul. I'm not sorry for your tears - I'm sorry that so many people have hurt you so much. May the Lord heal your many wounds, JBR. My prayers are with you.

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  21. Praying for you, ((((JBR))))

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  22. Instead of reflecting in the pain of the past, I feel it's sometimes better to look ahead with the new.

    God Bless!!!

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  23. Sorry for the pain but maybe you will have fun memories with the new car :) I hope

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  24. Hurtful memories have a way returning to our life, and we're powerless when it attacks, but JBR, you realize it, and you are moving on with your new car with better memories soon.

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  25. When we spend a part of our lies with someone/something, it's natural to miss it...nothing wrong with it. Hope you are doing alright (((JBR))).

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  26. congrats on the new car and I so get the tears saying goodbye...letting go of the old. I've done it too.

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  27. I'm sorry you were so upset when trading in your car. I can understand why that would bring up some of these painful memories. But maybe it's a good thing-- maybe now you can finally process them and get beyond them or at least make your peace with them. You have grown so much in terms of strength in the past few months that I am positive that you have it in you. You can do it!

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  28. My friend, you are normal. I love my car and would feel bad if I had to get rid of it. Think of all the time we spend in our vehicles. I totally get what you're feeling and pray that God will comfort you everywhere you hurt today.

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