TOXIC RELATIONSHIP DISCUSSED

Need to blog while it is still fresh in my mind from having t. today. Will process later.

I brought up the issue I mentioned in my posts earlier with the memories being stirred up from the trading in of my old car for a new one last weekend.

Who would of thought a thirteen old car would bring up my toxic relationship I had thirteen years ago. I shared in more detail with my t. today what I went through, experienced and how basically I survived on my own after I severed the relationship a few months later.

I felt the triggering of my car from last week that drudged up these "still" painful memories was a sign from God that it was time for me to work on forgiving the JBR's. The connection to the car was I was still in contact with this person and apparently the car had a great significance to the relationship. Even though they never rode in the car. But was talked about. I do not know. I am not going to figure that one out.

What I experienced in 1998 was little JBR getting her nurturing needs met. Overstepping many boundaries that big JBR would never take.

Little JBR was having her needs met at the time and literally loving it. But Big JBR was fighting her not to do what she so much wanted to! And sure enough after all that was said and done, and reality finally sunk in with what had happened, Big JBR came down hard on little JBR. And from that point on both the JBR's spiraled into a three year severe depression. Not being able to work. Consumed with shame, guilt and condemnation. Sleeping all day. Not eating properly. I hated myself! No one to tell what happened. I did not understand at the time what I did was because I was a wounded little JBR. I know that now. At the time I thought I was the worst sinner in the world. God would never forgive me.

The last t. session I had with my previous t. during that time, which was the day after what I did, she wanted to commit me. I really do not recall what I might of said for her to warrant that. I may have threaten I may do harm to myself. I do not recall. Whatever it was, she was seriously concerned for me. But I could not handle the thought of being committed and what would my mum say? How would I explain it to my employer at the time? So, abruptly without notice that was the last time I saw my t. who I was going faithfully for over a year. She never heard from me again. I could not face the pain. I was so much in fear. And for the next ten years or so I dealt with the anguish day in and day out of shame and what I did all by myself. That is until two and half years ago when I decided I needed to go get help once again. Not just in this area, but with other things.

So......

I needed to talk to someone in more detail, as I said earlier. And that is what I did today with my t. As I never shared thoroughly. I still do not think I even shared everything. Some things came up in t. today, that I did not even think about in thirteen years. So, I am sure there is other deep stuff not uncovered. I will leave that up to God. He really knows how to dig deep. Yikes!

I want to get to a place where I believe in my heart that God has forgiven me. I want to get to the place where Big JBR has forgiven the little one. As she was only doing what she soooooo very much craved, as she never got growing up. Someone that really cared and loved her.

My brain is beginning to shut down.....need to end.