"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Thursday, February 10, 2011


Need to blog while it is still fresh in my mind from having t. today. Will process later.

I brought up the issue I mentioned in my posts earlier with the memories being stirred up from the trading in of my old car for a new one last weekend.

Who would of thought a thirteen old car would bring up my toxic relationship I had thirteen years ago. I shared in more detail with my t. today what I went through, experienced and how basically I survived on my own after I severed the relationship a few months later.

I felt the triggering of my car from last week that drudged up these "still" painful memories was a sign from God that it was time for me to work on forgiving the JBR's. The connection to the car was I was still in contact with this person and apparently the car had a great significance to the relationship. Even though they never rode in the car. But was talked about. I do not know. I am not going to figure that one out.

What I experienced in 1998 was little JBR getting her nurturing needs met. Overstepping many boundaries that big JBR would never take.

Little JBR was having her needs met at the time and literally loving it. But Big JBR was fighting her not to do what she so much wanted to! And sure enough after all that was said and done, and reality finally sunk in with what had happened, Big JBR came down hard on little JBR. And from that point on both the JBR's spiraled into a three year severe depression. Not being able to work. Consumed with shame, guilt and condemnation. Sleeping all day. Not eating properly. I hated myself! No one to tell what happened. I did not understand at the time what I did was because I was a wounded little JBR. I know that now. At the time I thought I was the worst sinner in the world. God would never forgive me.

The last t. session I had with my previous t. during that time, which was the day after what I did, she wanted to commit me. I really do not recall what I might of said for her to warrant that. I may have threaten I may do harm to myself. I do not recall. Whatever it was, she was seriously concerned for me. But I could not handle the thought of being committed and what would my mum say? How would I explain it to my employer at the time? So, abruptly without notice that was the last time I saw my t. who I was going faithfully for over a year. She never heard from me again. I could not face the pain. I was so much in fear. And for the next ten years or so I dealt with the anguish day in and day out of shame and what I did all by myself. That is until two and half years ago when I decided I needed to go get help once again. Not just in this area, but with other things.


I needed to talk to someone in more detail, as I said earlier. And that is what I did today with my t. As I never shared thoroughly. I still do not think I even shared everything. Some things came up in t. today, that I did not even think about in thirteen years. So, I am sure there is other deep stuff not uncovered. I will leave that up to God. He really knows how to dig deep. Yikes!

I want to get to a place where I believe in my heart that God has forgiven me. I want to get to the place where Big JBR has forgiven the little one. As she was only doing what she soooooo very much craved, as she never got growing up. Someone that really cared and loved her.

My brain is beginning to shut down.....need to end.


  1. Praying for peace for you JBR. Have good rest and take care of yourself.

  2. JBR I'm glad you were able to open up. I'm sure it wasn't easy after many years. God's timing is always perfect. I'm learning he knows what he's doing even if we think he doesn't. Maybe now you're one more step closer to your goal. The pain you've gone through was just that and you came out a better person on the other side. Your experiences may benefit another. You're always an inspiration to me. Hang in there. Your freedom is just at your fingertips. God Bless.

  3. You did a great job writing down this stuff. Feel better, JBR. God does love you.

  4. Praying love and much peace into your life.

  5. I'm so glad you were able to talk about this situation in therapy and with us. That shows a lot of strength and determination on your part.

    As always, here listening. (((JBR)))

    Wishing you well,

  6. I pray that peace fills you and allows you to rest deeply and peacefully. (((JBR))))


  8. JBR, I can feel your pain through your words. I can only say that God really wants you to be healed and to forgive yourself, but as you say, it is a process. I think that you are on your way and we are here to support you. Thank you for being so honest...baby steps.

  9. Hang in there JBR. Powerful post. You know your doing something right when the truth hurts.

  10. I read your story. I'm grieved with the sexual abuse you went through. No child should ever experience any kind of abuse.

  11. I dont know hhow you managed to survive all those years without counseling.l YOu did. Your strong. I wouldnt of been able to. Happy your getting the much dneed help now. Stay stonrg JBNR.

  12. sounds like you are doing quite the unloading...God has forgiven you..and hopefully now you can forgive yourself...

  13. What an improvement you have made with this t. that you were able to talk about this now! How much more trust you have! More adult way of handling the conflict you felt! Yeah JBR!

  14. You are forgiven and it is not your fault. The blood has cleansed you from all unrighteousness. Behold He has made all things new.

  15. Sometimes it is hard for the truth that God has forgiven us to reach our hearts though we accept it with our minds. I will pray that this knowledge will reach your heart too, JBR.
    Brian makes a good point here because very often we fail to forgive ourselves and this causes many problems. May you learn to see yourself through Jesus' eyes, JBR. His eyes are full of mercy.

  16. I too had a car i just got rid of that i'd had for 15 years..Named Bessy. it was like losing a pet or something. the grandkids grew up riding in bessy a lot/ and Grandma, who died, bout me the car on my 4oth birthday.....
    I support your getting out there and discussing abuse...

  17. As I have heard before
    how can we expect God to forgive us if we cant forgive

  18. What an interesting blog. I did not know things go on like you share in your post. I am amazed. I can't say I understand fully your pain; I'm sorry nevertheless. Sandra

  19. Yes forgiving is the key word. We know it, but we need to do it?? It is tough.

  20. Being able to talk it out is a healing in itself, right? Many relationships are toxic, and we must learn to recognize which one..

  21. JBR, sorry I have been mia for a while. You know that I dont believe in the God of your understanding. I do however doubt deeply that he needs to forgive you. There is nothing to forgive. According to your belief you are made according to his picture. You are made as he made you. Means the only one here who needs to forgive is Little JBR has to forgive the Big One and vice versa. Love and hugs

  22. I believe if I was to keep focusing on my hurtful past Satan would still have a strong hold on me! This is the reason I decided to take my thoughts off of my hurt from the past. All is forgiven when we ask for forgiveness from God in the name of Jesus Christ! Plus I have to forgive others who have done me harm! Once I have done this, plus forgive myself, Jesus Christ set me free!!! And seeing all is forgiven, my hurtful past no longer pertains!

    May you too receive the peace that passes all understanding through His forgiveness!

    God Bless,