Even though I have come a very long way on my journey, I still have deep issues. Unfortunately I know them too well. Trauma, fear and panic. All stemming from my past.
I do not believe I am a full blown hypervigiant, (is that even a word?) I do have some traits.
I do have an increase awareness of my surroundings. I hate really having anyone behind me. There is shame and irrational fears involved in that also.
At work, I cannot be sitting either upfront or in the last row for our daily morning devotions. There are always late-comers who will then stand behind everyone in the last row. Totally freaks me out. I get a panic feeling. So, I end up sitting in the back against the side wall.
Same with church. My church has a large congregation. It is totally hard for me to sit among the masses and especially up front. I feel panic; and need an escape route planned. At the same time not desiring any attention drawn to me.
I remember having panic attacks in my teenage years, and my mum would give me some Valium. Shows she needed it as well.
I know when I walk to and from my car or I am in an area where there are people going in all directions, my eyes are darting back and forth trying to keep tabs on their whereabouts. I tend to rush. Hurry. Get away quickly. If a stranger (especially a man) gets too close to me, panic sets in. If the area is small, that makes matters even worse.
When I am driving and a car is riding along side of me at the same speed, that freaks me out.
Even though I am 10 times better, people still do frighten me. I am afraid I will be hurt or something bad will happen.
I have to really feel comfortable with you to feel 100% safe.
i have issues with this as well, ptsd. it helps to blog about it and i have been doing some wonderful emdr therapy. don't know what the letters stand for but it is wonderful therapy with lights and detaching emotions from past events so that i may not get so triggered.
ReplyDeletei get full of anxiety and fear sa well and it seems so rediculous to admit it but sometimes i sit here and get scared, right down to the core, then my behaviors come out. i find if i say it out loud to my loved ones when it is happening it helps. i just say out loud i am scared and my honey says, why and i tell him. i get it out of my head, he gives me some suggestions i call women for support. sometimes the fear stops sometimes it doesn't but i feel better when i know i am not alone.
great post
Dear JBR,
ReplyDeleteI don't share this particular fear, but I have others. They are related to the alcoholism and abuse in my family of origin.
I have come to think of them as survival tactics and I believe that I continue to have them to the extent that they still serve me.
But I also believe that if I continue to grow spiritually, God will remove them when I am ready.
You say you are 10 times better. Sometimes, I have to look back and remind myself how far I have come.
In a sense we are miracles of survival. Your path and your honesty continue to inspire me.
Hugs to you.
I am praying for you JBR, and I would be thankful if you could pray for me as well.
ReplyDeleteGod's Blessings to you,
Lon
No one truly knows the way you feel not unless they had gone through the same ordeal. Through your sharing and previous posts, you and shown so much courage and the willingness of your spirit to obey Him and walk on that road that leads to healing. Praying for His strength to always be yours. God bless.
ReplyDeleteIt's good that you recognize these things about yourself. I deal with some of these same issues, as well. Issues need to be brought out into the light in order for God to heal them. I know how to pray for you. I'm glad you shared.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like it's a really uncomfortable way to live. I'm sorry that you're going through this. But you said that things have improved to this point, and I believe things will continue to improve. When you've been hurt really badly it's hard to trust people again. But it's not impossible if you want it to happen.
ReplyDeleteWishing you well,
NOS
JBR... I dont know what to say. I am so sorry you cant live life in a carefree way :(
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know that I am here listening x
We call it the gunfighter position at work, back to the wall where you can see all the action. A lot of people have this issue = at work we laugh and the ones who need to have their back to the wall have to duke it out figuratively to get the coveted position in a restaurant. Saddened that it bothers you.
ReplyDeleteI THINK I'M THIS WAY TO. I'M VERY CAUTIONS AROUND PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW. HOPING THINGS IMPROVE FOR YOU JBR.
ReplyDeleteJBR,
ReplyDeleteYes, I have done many of these things too. Some of them, I still do - it's automatic. It's not really surprising when you consider that we didn't pass through the normal emotional growth stages that most people go through when they are young if their family unit functions well. In some ways it's kind of like we are always waiting for the next blow to hit us so we stay vigilant in hopes of avoiding it. Though we recognize that our situations have changed many of these defenses are automatic and bypass our brain to a degree. I think it can take a long time to get rid of these responses because they are habits that we are not always conscious of when we are doing them.
I think God removes these defenses slowly and gently for most of us :) Hugs!
Difficult to relax in these circumstances JBR. I'm hypervigilant as well, but for me it's other things. I startle at sounds, and come instantly awake with full alertness. When I lived in a house with other people, I'd always know what room everyone was in - I'd keep track.
ReplyDeleteHope you continue to find ways of calming down. I know it can be a struggle. take care
I suffer from this as well, PTSD but I'm also glad that you're improving. That gives me hope.
ReplyDeleteI also don't like people being behind me. Sorry you have these issues but I hope they get better every day. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI could have written this post myself. It's one of the reasons I tend to avoid crowds all together. Trouble is it really limits my life in some respects and it seems to take a lot of energy being like this. I pray that you will continue to improve in these areas that can be so hard to live with.
ReplyDelete