and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23
My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.
Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.
Daddy let me be secure in You only!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
NOT FEELING IT
Having trouble posting. I have to feel it in my Spirit. Many of my posts have been started; posted; only to be retrieved soon thereafter never to be seen again. As I was just not feeling it.
Suppose my latest with my mum and her irrational fears and constant worries and my up and down with depression are getting the best of me right now. It is really a battle to fight off her fears she so desperately wants me to take on along with her. Trying to take me down with her! Not that I am not concerned, because she is old, and I really do have to weigh her complaints to see if their valid.
Still, at the same time, for my own sanity sake, I have to tune out her quivering voice, her pleas for me to be available no matter what is she is going to die or has to be rushed to the hospital. Not to sound mean, but I told her if it is really bad (depending what she is complaining about) call 911 first before me. She, as I am, goes from A-Z with fear and panic. Putting me on edge.
Keep in mind. My mum lives alone, still drives, still works, still goes shopping. For someone in her eighties, she does a lot. Many times more than me. So she does get around, much more than someone else her age. She is just so full of irrational fears. Destroys her.
At these times, I become frustrated and angry that I Am The Only One available. My brother is too far away. He misses out on all of this. Not that he would help any. But, there would be more of a support just having him here. I guess I am angry as most my life I did not "have a life." And now I am beginning to get one, and feel now I am being hampered once again.
Sometimes I wonder if I have what it takes to go through trials like these. As I am trying to go through my own stuff. But, I guess this is part of my own stuff. Nevertheless, I am sure the Lord will and has given me ample strength to go through these trials with my mum.
If she was a strong woman of faith, she would be able to depend and trust on the Lord for her comfort and not to me fully. She refuses to be involved with any prayer group, chain, etc. She has no close believers as friends.
All and all, "Where Does My Help Come From during times like these?" My Heavenly Father.
I cannot afford to let myself go down the path of irrational fears, living on the edge of catastrophe, having what little life I am gaining back destroyed!