I am beginning to recover some memories from my past which are starting to explain the triggers that are going on at present.
Today's t. session was intense. I knew I was under some emotional duress while I was sharing. Talking about the different pieces of my life that had an effect on me. The sexual abuse, my parents divorce, and then the issues of abandonment, rejection and neglect of my father.
The Lord is slowly allowing me to remember thus far from a particular age some crucial memories which trigger how I respond to certain things today.
A lot of the time I am trying to make sense of what is going on inside of my head. I am praying and trying to understand. I am still not clear on certain memories. Although after leaving t. today, I arrived home. Sat down and began to recover. Processing the question that was asked of me in session "what/how do I feel?" I could not answer at the time.
But, tonight alone in my home, I was then able to "feel" briefly. Something I am definitely not accustom to. I then became too scared to process alone. I felt very exhausted already and too vulnerable to do this by myself tonight. So I quickly went to blogging for a diversion. Was not planning on blogging. As I am emotionally exhausted and I did not know how I would even explain what went on in t. today. Only by the Grace of God am I able to put this post together tonight.
For the first time, I could actually see in my minds eye, the incident, what I was doing at the time, and briefly how I was "feeling" while everything was unfolding around me.
I am beginning to realize just how important connecting the feelings to the trauma is. I do not like doing this process!! NO NOT AT ALL! I am realizing the importance of going through the pain even more.
I have never allowed myself to go this far with any memory where my feelings are starting to connect.
Connecting is very scary. VERY SCARY!!
In the days ahead I will be open to what the Lord wants to reveal to me through my memories. However He chooses to show me. Whether I am alone, in church, in t. I am sooooo willing to face the fear in order to gain freedom!!!!
Not going to lie to you as I said above, it is scary. I want to release the fear of facing my pain to God in order to be able to face it. As I know once I go through the pain, there will be such a release. I can taste my breakthrough.....
I WANT MY FREEDOM!!!
And I will do just that. You will see.
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23
My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.
Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.
Daddy let me be secure in You only!
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It's very scary to connect. But you're doing it. And I think it will have a good outcome for you. I'm no professional, but I think that perhaps confronting your memories helps you to make some peace with them. Not all, but some.
ReplyDeleteHere supporting you during this hard time. (((JBR)))
Wishing you well,
NOS
JBR I'm excited and proud of you! Hope you can accept that. You are living proof of someone who wants to get well. There are people who seem so totally unreceptive to emotional healing. I know it's scary for you now. Remember God is right with you. You my dear show courage, spunk and determination. Someone I am proud of to know. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteFeeling those difficult feelings is very very tough...We seem to be starting to do this at the same time. It's hard, but I'm finding it also interesting how doing that is changing me. Wishing you lots of courage, strength and hope JBR.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing such good work. You should be proud of yourself. I have found in my journey that healing comes when you are willing to go through the pain. I spent so many years trying to numb the pain, but healing came when I faced it. I'm praying for you. You have such courage!
ReplyDeleteThis is where you will see only one set of footprints.
ReplyDeleteI so relate.
ReplyDeleteIt is very hard but you are not alone for Jesus is beside you walking with you hand in hand and when you find it overwhelming, He is carying you and you will make it through, trust in Him. Give it to Him, He can handle this and will bring you through this.
ReplyDeletePraying for you,
<><
I agree that the remembering is the hardest part. Then you connect the emotions with the abuse. It very painful, but the only way to heal. Hold on to Jesus right now, because He is with you all the way.
ReplyDeleteJBR I never doubt what you will be able to do! You amaze me!
ReplyDeleteJBR I KNOW YOU KNOW THIS BUT FOR ANY OF YOUR OTHER READERS IN ORDER TO GET RID OF HAUNTING MEMORIES, ONE HAS TO COME TO TERMS WITH THE ORIGIN OF THOSE MEMORIES. YOU CAN'T LET GO OF ANYTHING THAT YOU TRY TO SUPPRESS. JBR YOUR DOING THE CORRECT THING BY TALKING AND WALKING IT OUT WITH SOMEONE. YOU'LL MAKE IT.
ReplyDeletei know this is tough..but i am glad you are walking that road...and that you have grace to lean on...
ReplyDeleteyou're a fighter....and He won't ever give up on you....
ReplyDeleteRemember that as you feel
ReplyDeleteHe is closer than your breath.
Right there with you.
Know that your real Father,
the perfect one,
has got you covered.
"Daddy's here".
-Jen
Praying for the peace of Christ to surround you as you walk this painful road, JBR. You WILL be free for you are His! God bless you, dear one.
ReplyDeleteIm sure you will do just as you say JBR. Im happy for y ou .
ReplyDeletePraying GOD will surround you with HIS comfort, peace, and love like never before.
ReplyDeleteHugs, love, and prayers, andrea
I'm praying for you too JBR, and that peace is coming. God is going to see you though this, and you will be free. He is the great healer and comforter and I pray that for you right now.
ReplyDeletexo
(((My sister in Christ))) big hug.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to feel isn't it? I was told again this passed Tuesday by my thearpist that I try to minimalize my pain. It's not that I don't feel, I just try to brush it off as no big deal. So again I was given premission to feel "bad." And I have learned there are no "bad" feelings just uncomfortable ones that we have to get through to be free like you said. Praise the Lord you were able to share. This post helps a lot of people, I know it makes me feel like I am not the only one out there.
Hugs with blessings,
Amanda
My gosh JBR, you are so real and honest. I'm sorry for all of this pain but as you say, it will lead to freedom. Let God take you at his pace, gently and carefully. You are so strong and so open to letting him work in your life. He will not let you down. We're praying for you!
ReplyDeleteAndie
I am going to stick around and I know I will see the best you- soon!
ReplyDeleteI had just a taste of what you mean a few nights ago as I organized my email account and saw the beginnings of my daughter's heartbreak a few years back. Feelings flooded me and I had to choose peace.
ReplyDeleteSending you a hug,
Mary
JBR checking in on you. Hope you're doing alright. Remember God's in this battle with you. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteJBR checking in on you. Hope you're doing alright. Remember God's in this battle with you. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteYes, it's difficult to work on getting memories out of hiding - if for no other reason than for to get the snippets of memories to stop invading the present.
ReplyDeleteHang in there JBR. Always counting on you to win.
ReplyDeleteoh sweet friend how can i say to you once again that the not knowing how to feel is so familiar to me. i do believe that is what let me to my alcoholism.....want to shut down the pain and feel nothing but numb. you are one brave lady, and with God on your side, nothing is impossible...for both of us. just returned from rehab for 42 days. obviously more stuffing was going on. at times i'm so unaware that i'm not feeling my feelings, or allowing myself to do this important task. and it is a task i must say that must be done. have missed you. keep up the good but very difficult work sister. love to you.
ReplyDelete