ANGUISH

A great truth in anguish, if I would only apply it and believe in my heart is the following: "If only we could remember, when the anguish is present, that it is making our Spirits whole. That it, along with laughter, is a healer of the soul."

Seems like these past couple of days with restless sleep I have been dealing with such anguish for change. How I have become so tired of my dependence on man's approval and what it produces in me.

Each day it is such a challenge once I step outside of my home. The intensity to want to please man has never been so greater. What I shared in my past posts is that I desire this intensity to reverse 100% and be focused only in pleasing God.

Maybe I am asking too much???

It is a emotionally painful battle big time right now for me. As once I step inside my work place, the battle of anguish is on. Right now I am still not succeeding and succumbing to man's way. I still find myself drawn to the wrong kind of attention and excitement. Knowing at the same time I have an opportunity to just turn a deaf ear or walk away. But I do not. My past of the lack of attention, especially from my father, continues to get in the way.

So, I find myself seeking out a safe place at work and have a good cry. I become so disappointed. I want to change so badly. The laughter and joy that is explained below, I crave.

But, now at least I am more conscience of the stronghold, where before I was so enmeshed I saw no other way.

Anguish is undoubtedly more familiar to us than is the beauty of laughter. We feel anguish over our failings; we feel anguish over our losses; we feel anguish over the attempts to succeed that beckon to us.

Anguish comes of fear. And we so hope to avoid it. However, it seasons us as women; it enriches us even while it momentarily diminishes us. It is a major contributor to the sum and substance of our lives. The anguish we experience prepares us to help others experience their own particular anguish.

Our laughter, too, must be savored and shared. And laughter builds more laughter. Laughter lends a perspective on our anguish. Life is made richer, fuller, by the ebb and flow, the laughter and the anguish in concert.

If only we could remember, when the anguish is present, that it is making our Spirits whole. That it, along with laughter, is a healer of the soul. That it lifts our load at the same time that it burdens us. That it prepares us to better receive life's other gifts.

I can help someone else face anguish. It brings us together. It softens me. And it makes way for the laughter soon to come.

Hazelden Foundation