Visiting my past is something I really do not want to do. My physical and emotional being is exhausted. Running on Empty. All these years of stuffing my pain, and now in attempts to touch on my past pain have taken there toll. Especially with my feelings of rejection.
Am I ready?
Or am I desperate?
Or does it take desperation to face the fear?
I do know this, I am getting so very tired living the way I do. I cannot believe I have lived this way most my life. Not being able to relax. Tired of having my system riled up daily. Who can I please in order for them to accept me and give me self worth? Worrying did I offend someone that I was trying to get to like me. Always in either a flight or fight mode. Worrying what would trigger me next. Trying to control my surroundings, my feelings.
I so know this is not an easy task. Not like 1, 2, 3 "poof" I am better. Not at all.
I am scared!!!! Unbelievably scared to go back!!!!
To face my fears of striving to gain my father's attention only to be criticized, and have him give that shaming look that can only cut a little girls heart apart. To face my fears of reliving the most deeply emotions of past hurts that traumatized me from my father. The emotions that I have buried so long. The times when my father scolded me or showed disappointment. Told to suck it up. Hold back those tears. Then having my mother smother me, control me, shame me, judge and criticize as well.
But as I alluded above, is my desperation enough to face the fear? Yes. I am tired. I do not want to fight anymore.
How long will it take? Not a clue. God knows. God will be with me.
I want that freedom. I want to be who God created me to be and not worry what man thinks of me. Free from fearing what I may perceive as rejection, but may not be. And if so, to know in my heart it is not about me, but them!!!
Breaking through will relieve most of my stress, frustrations and anger issues. No more need to compete, because I will be much more completed in Christ. Joy and happiness will begin to filter in. I will become who God intended me to be....... "ME."
I can totally relate to the fear of facing the past. I'm working on it and you are right it no 1 2 3 and you are fixed. I believe you have the strength to do this JBR. Just be patient with yourself. (((((JBR)))))))
ReplyDeleteWOW this is such a powerful post! thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling of fear of facing the past very very well JBR. I think it's important to both honour the fear and not plunge in too fast, but also to keep forging ahead somehow.
ReplyDeleteYour father sounds somewhat like mine. Being free of triggers - that would be wonderful.
take care
Hi JBR,
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautiful post! I am smiling and my eyes are filling up! Praise God!
My sister once said to me that anything worth while is very hard work and it has to be otherwise it is not worth while.
You won't be facing your fears alone Jesus is right beside you walking with you and carrying you when you are weary. Trust Him. He is beckoning you to follow Him for He has good things to show you. Take His hand, don't be afraid and if you fall that is fine, just get up again.
Praying and praying for you sister,
<><
i can't believe I read exactgly what I went through growing up. I got the rejection from both my parents an my bro and sisters. I feel your pain. God helped me to handle and go through the pain.Hoping the best forr yiou.
ReplyDeleteJBR THE AMOUNT OF ENERGY YOU PUT IN WRITING YOUR POSTS IS ASTOUDING. THE DEPTH OF YOUR PAIN ON PAPER IS DEEP ENOUGH. I CAN ONLY IMAGINE IN REAL LIFE THE MAGNITUDE OF YOUR PAIN. PRAYING GOD COMFORTS THOSE PAINFUL AREAS FOR YOU AND MAKES THEM BETTER.
ReplyDeleteWe're with you and we are praying for you. Just one little step at a time. 'For in fire gold is tested'
ReplyDeleteAndie
Dearest JBR. Rejection is a horrid thing. Sometimes rejection still affects me to this day with memories of my father. I wish I didn't have a heart, so that I wouldn't have to feel such pain. But I still do. My God and comforter comes quickly to remind me that he'll never reject me. He's taken care of my past. Praying he'll do the same for you. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteDesperation can be such a gift;
ReplyDeletesome people never become honest enough
with themselves to ever
open the package
and look inside.
They numb and numb and numb themselves
to the pain
instead of letting it coach them into
a healing place.
Bravo for letting desperation happen.
It is such a part of being human
and living on this broken planet.
I believe it will take you exactly where
you need to go for comfort and nurture
and restoration.
That is my prayer
and hope
and it comes wrapped in much love
for you
and your journey.
Hugs and hope,
Jen
Great post!
ReplyDeleteSending my thoughts and prayers your way, dear friend!
(((Hugs)))
B xx
Did we have the same mom and didnt know it?
ReplyDeletewe have to remembert that they are the ones that are sick and you have to break that chain, you can do it
You are right that things rarely change in one day and if they did we wouldn't learn very much during our journey here. You are very brave to face the past head on and I have no doubt that Our Lord is transforming you every day. May He pour out his blessings upon you, sweet soul! I am cheering you on in the background!
ReplyDeleteJBR: Just figure those that reject you are not worthy to be your friends. Keep up the good work my friend!
ReplyDeleteIt hurts as every layer is being peeled off. And what courage you have shown despite the pain, of pursuing that freedom. By His grace, you will. God bless.
ReplyDeleteYou're right-- the process of recovery is not easy and it is certainly not painless. But I truly believe that it's worth it. YOU are worth it. You have so much to offer, and I think confronting and coping with your path will allow you to feel and be as great as you can be.
ReplyDeleteWishing you well,
NOS
You are truly precious JBR. God bless.
ReplyDelete((JBR)) keep walking the path...
ReplyDelete