***Update*** SUICIDE GENERATIONAL CURSE

* * * * MAY SEVERELY TRIGGER * * * *
TAKE GENTLE CARE

* * *UPDATE BELOW IN RED* * *
I come from a background of family suicides. From both sides. My Grandfather (my father's father) hung himself. My Uncle (my mother's brother) shot himself. My older brother, (my mother's first son) shot himself.

Would explain a lot, as my t. says, as to why I can become fixated on death and dying. I have always been fascinated about dying. When I was young (under 10) I would fantasize about drowning or someone choking me to death. I would even play act the drowning in our back yard swimming pool. The choking, I had a neighbor kid pretend to do that to me. I would insist that these types of play acting be slow. Like I wanted to savor the moment?

However since becoming a Christian, and on my journey to healing, I am realizing more and more this is the enemy's ploy. He wants nothing more than to actually have me die. You die. Or anyone die. That is his goal. I believe it is possible for the enemy to take root in a little soul. Especially one that has been damaged already.

My mum holds an interesting twist to dying. If you have been an avid reader of mine you know how irrational her fears are. Usually centering on dying. Which I was brought up on and to this day I have to continue to fight those dying thinking patterns.

Perfect example to how my mum's irrational fears on dying has affected me can be found in the next paragraph.

From early on up until the present, if I am going through something traumatic or something unusual appears on my person, my mind would go to the worse case scenario. My mind could not handle solving or thinking through the issue at hand logically. Instead I would go from A-Z in one fall swoop. Missing out on all the answers and solutions in-between. Head right for Z. Which represents death to me.

Many times I would have to fight that mindset greatly. It continues to still be a battle for me. A very hard one. But, the more I grow in Christ and who I am in Him the more I know that this curse can be broken.

If I find myself sinking and thinking about death, I need to begin to confess out loud, verbally what is actually going on and what is actually rightfully mine. That is I am entitled to life. Not death.

Here is a Generational Curse Prayer I found on the internet. This prayer can apply to most anything. To alcohol, drugs, violence, anger, pornography, lust, eating issues, perfectionism, to suicide:

In the name of Jesus, I confess the curses and iniquities of my parents (name specific curse if known), grandparents (name specific curse if known), and all other ancestors. I declare that by the blood of Jesus, these curses have been forgiven and Satan and his demons can no longer use these curses as legal grounds in my life!

In the name of Jesus, and by the power of His blood, I now declare that all generational curses have been renounced, broken and severed, and that I am no longer under their bondage!

In the name of Jesus, I declare myself and my future generations loosed from any bondage's passed down to me from my ancestors. AMEN!

Now I know some of my readers do not have the same faith as I do. Some of you may not even believe in God. Regardless, if you suffer from any type of curse generational or not, I challenge you to at least speak the truth out loud verbally. How ever often. How ever long. For me, probably the rest of my life. Speak the truth that you are important and worthy of living. I know it may be hard to speak those words because of your damaged belief system and what was done to you. I can sooooooooooooo relate. It is hard!!!

But I have come to the conclusion. I hope you too. That............

.....we have to start some time. Why not today?

* * * * UPDATE * * * *
I chose to add this incident to this post rather than start a new one. Because it is a perfect example and fits perfectly into my topic on death and what I went through growing up with a irrational fearful mother.

I have been home sick since Wednesday afternoon. I have yet to have a full day at my new work location. Let alone be able to do any work. I am beyond the frustration level, as it is just too long now. Anyway, that is not the reason for this update.

Mum is at it again. I knew the following would happen. And it did.....

I knew once the heavens opened up with a hard rain and some minor flooding this afternoon, the phone calls would begin on my cell about the time I would leave my place of work. I did not pick up.

She sits by the television and constantly listens over and over again to troubling news all day and starts her day worrying.

Her voice was shaky and frantic. Telling me which route I should take home because she was afraid I would get into an accident because of the heavy rain. When I finally called her, around the normal time I would arrive from my new destination without incident, I was greeted with, "Oh my God I thought you were dead. I left you a message. Why didn't you pick up? The rain was so bad. You had me worried. I was sick to my stomach with fear. I couldn't wait until you called me to make sure you were ok." Hearing all this garbage all my life, no wonder I struggle in this area and the events of suicide in my past with relatives does not help matters any.

I just let her talk. Because, she will just not listen. No point in arguing with her anymore. She just rambled on. Then I changed the subject.

Little did she know I have not been to work most the week. I cannot tell her anymore if I am sick or even take a day off from work. She would make my life unbearable with worry and think I was dying or something. And I was NOT capable of taking care of myself. She would be over my place, not comforting me, but making me more miserable.

She even questioned to no limit when I "checked in" tonight my hoarseness. I blamed it on the bad weather. I cannot even start to let her think I am sick. She accepted that explanation....for now.

This is "one" particular kind of curse on death I am trying to STOP from continuing in my life. It is a hard battle. My mum has sworn to me when confronted that she will always worry and cannot help it. No, she does not want to help it. Period.