"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Friday, April 29, 2011


* * * * MAY SEVERELY TRIGGER * * * *


I come from a background of family suicides. From both sides. My Grandfather (my father's father) hung himself. My Uncle (my mother's brother) shot himself. My older brother, (my mother's first son) shot himself.

Would explain a lot, as my t. says, as to why I can become fixated on death and dying. I have always been fascinated about dying. When I was young (under 10) I would fantasize about drowning or someone choking me to death. I would even play act the drowning in our back yard swimming pool. The choking, I had a neighbor kid pretend to do that to me. I would insist that these types of play acting be slow. Like I wanted to savor the moment?

However since becoming a Christian, and on my journey to healing, I am realizing more and more this is the enemy's ploy. He wants nothing more than to actually have me die. You die. Or anyone die. That is his goal. I believe it is possible for the enemy to take root in a little soul. Especially one that has been damaged already.

My mum holds an interesting twist to dying. If you have been an avid reader of mine you know how irrational her fears are. Usually centering on dying. Which I was brought up on and to this day I have to continue to fight those dying thinking patterns.

Perfect example to how my mum's irrational fears on dying has affected me can be found in the next paragraph.

From early on up until the present, if I am going through something traumatic or something unusual appears on my person, my mind would go to the worse case scenario. My mind could not handle solving or thinking through the issue at hand logically. Instead I would go from A-Z in one fall swoop. Missing out on all the answers and solutions in-between. Head right for Z. Which represents death to me.

Many times I would have to fight that mindset greatly. It continues to still be a battle for me. A very hard one. But, the more I grow in Christ and who I am in Him the more I know that this curse can be broken.

If I find myself sinking and thinking about death, I need to begin to confess out loud, verbally what is actually going on and what is actually rightfully mine. That is I am entitled to life. Not death.

Here is a Generational Curse Prayer I found on the internet. This prayer can apply to most anything. To alcohol, drugs, violence, anger, pornography, lust, eating issues, perfectionism, to suicide:

In the name of Jesus, I confess the curses and iniquities of my parents (name specific curse if known), grandparents (name specific curse if known), and all other ancestors. I declare that by the blood of Jesus, these curses have been forgiven and Satan and his demons can no longer use these curses as legal grounds in my life!

In the name of Jesus, and by the power of His blood, I now declare that all generational curses have been renounced, broken and severed, and that I am no longer under their bondage!

In the name of Jesus, I declare myself and my future generations loosed from any bondage's passed down to me from my ancestors. AMEN!

Now I know some of my readers do not have the same faith as I do. Some of you may not even believe in God. Regardless, if you suffer from any type of curse generational or not, I challenge you to at least speak the truth out loud verbally. How ever often. How ever long. For me, probably the rest of my life. Speak the truth that you are important and worthy of living. I know it may be hard to speak those words because of your damaged belief system and what was done to you. I can sooooooooooooo relate. It is hard!!!

But I have come to the conclusion. I hope you too. That............

.....we have to start some time. Why not today?

* * * * UPDATE * * * *

I chose to add this incident to this post rather than start a new one. Because it is a perfect example and fits perfectly into my topic on death and what I went through growing up with a irrational fearful mother.

I have been home sick since Wednesday afternoon. I have yet to have a full day at my new work location. Let alone be able to do any work. I am beyond the frustration level, as it is just too long now. Anyway, that is not the reason for this update.

Mum is at it again. I knew the following would happen. And it did.....

I knew once the heavens opened up with a hard rain and some minor flooding this afternoon, the phone calls would begin on my cell about the time I would leave my place of work. I did not pick up.

She sits by the television and constantly listens over and over again to troubling news all day and starts her day worrying.

Her voice was shaky and frantic. Telling me which route I should take home because she was afraid I would get into an accident because of the heavy rain. When I finally called her, around the normal time I would arrive from my new destination without incident, I was greeted with, "Oh my God I thought you were dead. I left you a message. Why didn't you pick up? The rain was so bad. You had me worried. I was sick to my stomach with fear. I couldn't wait until you called me to make sure you were ok." Hearing all this garbage all my life, no wonder I struggle in this area and the events of suicide in my past with relatives does not help matters any.

I just let her talk. Because, she will just not listen. No point in arguing with her anymore. She just rambled on. Then I changed the subject.

Little did she know I have not been to work most the week. I cannot tell her anymore if I am sick or even take a day off from work. She would make my life unbearable with worry and think I was dying or something. And I was NOT capable of taking care of myself. She would be over my place, not comforting me, but making me more miserable.

She even questioned to no limit when I "checked in" tonight my hoarseness. I blamed it on the bad weather. I cannot even start to let her think I am sick. She accepted that explanation....for now.

This is "one" particular kind of curse on death I am trying to STOP from continuing in my life. It is a hard battle. My mum has sworn to me when confronted that she will always worry and cannot help it. No, she does not want to help it. Period.


  1. Thanks for sharing this. This very day I have been fighting with the idea myself. JBR we can do this.

  2. I agree with putting bad harmful thoughts into words instead of acting on them JBR. Very important. I'm sorry you have such a sad history in your family and hope the prayer helps. I also struggle with thoughts of suicide sometimes and it's good to talk about this. take care

  3. I know it seems like it would be the easy way to go
    I thought about a lot while in gradeschool and throughout life fighting depression, it is a hard thing to fight with

  4. I'm interested in intergenerational healing too, JBR. Prayers like these are very powerful and Jesus can break any type of bondage in someone's life! I know that not everyone believes in things like this but personally my family has had powerful experiences of the Holy Spirit's presence during prayers such as these.

    Praying for you, my friend!

  5. You have gained such insight into your own reactions!! With a family background like that I can understand a little better your Mom's fear of death. It's fantastic you see the pattern, although different, in yourself and have positive affirmations to stop it!!! WooHoo JBR!

  6. JBR I didn't know how much suicide played a part in your upbringing. Tragic and I'm sorry. You continue to be a inspiration to many. With your dedication and determination to be set free. We're here for you. God Bless.


  8. I did a search on suicide and came across your site. Something I wasn't expecting. Your truthfulness and spin on having suicide viewed as a curse I've never considered. This is an important topic. As God knows how the rate of suicides in the world has increased. Thankyou for talking on a very touchy subject.

    Darleen Quavo
    Memphis, TN

  9. JBR, Thank you for this post. I so needed to hear this today. My beautiful 14 year old granddaughter, adopted by my daughter 2 years ago, was checked into a psych hopital for adolescents yesterday and is under suicide watch. I'm going to be praying that prayer for her every day. Her parents are drug addicts and abandoned her. I pray God will break her free from their generational curse.

  10. Interesting. U say much. Keep the faith.

  11. mmm...hard post JBR...confess it, keep the scripture to remind you of how you were made and the worth that you have...

  12. WhaT a sad existance you lived jBR. YOuprobalby didnt even know anytnhing was wrong in your fmaily at the time.

  13. Hi sweet girl. Good job for keeping your cool! I have a paranoid aunt and when I talk to her I let her ramble on for about 2 minutes then change the subject. Then when she starts rambling again I let her for only 2 minutes then I change the subject again.

    You cannot change your mum but you can pray for her and change your reaction to your mum. You can break this generational curse and it seems to me that you are on the right track.

    Keep going and I will keep praying!!

  14. I have come to realize the last year that some things that go on in our family are generational as well. And I have wondered about some other things. It is a very strong thing but not stronger then the One who sets us free. It is really hard to deal with someone with irrational fears but I pray God will give you wisdom and insight on how to deal with your mother. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  15. yes generational curses are very Real it says so in the bible When it says "curse" of our "for fathers" for eg it means the "Same thing", Sometimes it can go back, 5 or 6 generations or more, Very real indeed If U are "spirit filled" Jesus shows and reveals all these things to you in the "Spirit", Also another thing is "A spirit of Death", is another thing ( i have had that broken of myself as well)
    Another thing again Is that We can "Bless or
    curse", with our Tongue, as the Word of God is "lving and active", What u confess" is what you pocess", God has shown me this too,
    So when we "speak", we speak "life" not "Death" we must be "positive" not "negative", too he has shown this to me, as it says in the Bible (issiah55:vs11)"So shall my word be that goes forth from my mouth it shall NOT Return to me Void,
    But accomplish what i please,And prosper in the Thing for which i sent it",

    So when We command it(his "word" ("ask anything in my name".( says jesus) and i shall do it"
    We send his word "forth" in the natural when we pray in the "spirit" ("tongues" (very powerful)
    It activates the Spiritual realm and sends it forth.
    Another powerful thing that christians need to know as the churches dont teach it, is the Power of the Blood of Jesus christ!It has Power and Authourity! The devil HATES IT!! because it has power!!! He Must Bow!!!and all his demons!
    When jesus Died on the Cross and Rose again He acssended back to the Father! and Took Back all power and authourity for All of us!!! We declare it!!! in power and authourity! "Satan is Defeated"! he was Defeated at the Cross Jesus has the Victory Halelujah and so do we as Greater is he that is in me than he who is in the world!
    Glory to god Hallelujah!!!

  16. It is awful when our enemies make us think that it is "us" thinking those dreadful things when the truth is that is their tactics. Thankful to the Lord for His truth! (The truth that sets us free). Praying for His healing, strength, comfort and protection over you JBR! Take care. God bless.

  17. I agree that death curse needs to be broken. I read that prayer out loud, (I need to break a few curses also).

  18. I admire you so much JBR. My partner has the same generational curse of suicide (his father and brother) and I will use this prayer for and with him. Thank you.

  19. I am glad you have found the strength to overcome this! Definitely an inspiration. Of course, it's a lifestyle and you aren't magically over the patterns and urges, but... knowing you can shift like that should strengthen the hope of anyone else who needs to do so.

    I feel bad for your mother. Living a life of such constant worry where everything is a disaster... the place you resist letting your thoughts take you, she seems to live. Can't be pleasant. If she knew that the thoughts, not the entire world, were the enemy, she might live a life more free and pleasant. Here's hoping she learns.

  20. Our family friend's relative by marriage died by his own hand in Moffat County. Our family friend said it was a generational curse. So, somebody go on different roads.