I have had a difficult week. Picking up from last Sonday and the work the Holy Spirit has been doing in my core with regards to very painful feelings of abandonment, loneliness, purpose and sadness.
Daily I really had to turn to the Lord and to His Word. Sometimes finding myself sobbing uncontrollably. In a desperate state. Having to fight and pull myself out of the muck continuously. Fighting the raging negative thoughts of despair, fear, depression and hopelessness.
Many times I look at my progress thus far on my journey, and find myself still questioning, "have I gained any ground?" Still seeing a very weak, vulnerable, angry and hurt little girl.
Been asking God that I may find happiness in the smallest things. It is hard for me. Happiness has alluded me most my life. Let me tell you, it is a very sad, hopeless and depressive existence.
I have difficulty determining what happiness is or even getting excited about positive steps in "my" life. I would not be honest if I did not say I still think many times "my life is meaningless and worthless." "Will I ever experience true happiness?" "Will I ever be happy with who I Am?"
The only time as an adult that I recall experiencing what I thought was "real happiness," was a few years ago in a "ever so brief" dysfunctional relationship. There were so many "wrong" elements involved though. Infatuation, the need to be nurtured and loved, worthy, etc. Resulting in sin.
I knew what I was doing was wrong. But, I did not care. I even remember telling God "I did not care." When I think about that now, that took a lot of guts to say! Flat out yelling to God, I am going to feel happy for once in my life no matter the consequences or what You think. I hurt so terribly. I wanted to be happy so desperately.
Later on through t., I learned I was only acting out of my own pain. Showing me that man cannot make nor sustain my happiness. Only God can. Which for me at this point, remains hard and difficult.
I am sure a lot of my emotional pain is due to the stress I have been under these past weeks. And probably I am getting closer to my breakthrough. With that all being said, still does not make my journey any easier or painless.....
(((JBR))) By His grace...
ReplyDeleteJBR THIS IS WHY I COME TO YOUR BLOG. YOU SPEAK FROM THE GUT. YOUR WORDS HAVE MANY TIMES TOUCHED MY PAIN ALSO. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW YOU'VE HELPED ME ALONG IN MY STRUGGLES. YOUR REAL HONEST AND TO THE POINT. I'M NOT TRYING TO MINIMIZE YOUR PAIN I KNOW YOUR GOING THROUGH ALOT THESE DAYS. SOMETIMES I WONDER HOW YOU GET THROUGH YOUR DAYS IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOUR FAITH. YOUR AN INSPIRATION. HANG IN THERE. YOU TOUCH MANY.
ReplyDeleteJBR,
ReplyDeletePeace, healing, and joy. It sounds so simple yet can be so hard to attain. God needs to work through that "muck" in our lives before this can become consistent and many of us have a lot of muck to work through. Don't lose heart, my friend. With trust and faith, victory will be yours. Hugs!!
I pray that God will give you the happiness you desire. I know I have had happiness in my life but most of the time my memories are lost. Some of the happiest times seem like they happened to someone else and I only remember the painful things. Keeping you in my prayers. I know your day will come and I pray that it is soon.
ReplyDeleteIs that YOU? My my you're gorgeous.. I have a website that talks mainly about my illness, www.souldose.webs.com and let me just say I am with you girl. life is hard, it knocks you flat and kicks you even though you're already down. What I have learned is that happiness can be found in the smallest of things.
ReplyDeleteI get depressed sometimes, being bed bound since 04 is no joke, so I just find happiness in small things and I take life one breath at a time.
(((((JBR)))))) I pray that you find happiness if it only one moment at a time. I struggle too, but have to believe that God wants His children happy. Thank you for being so open and honest. You are a blessing to me.
ReplyDeleteJBR,
ReplyDeleteI pray the Lord bring happiness and joy back in your life.
Ken
It's in the little things. The most delicate flower. A hummingbird. A rolling blue sky. A cooling breeze. Breathe deeply of God's creation. That is the one place I can always find happiness.
ReplyDeleteI can understand that, for moments in time, I too grabbed on to what I thought I wanted for happiness. I did and tuned out all other voices.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately those decisions were not part of the bigger plan but we went ahead anyway.
Then we learn the hard way, and get a little wisdom and learn to listen.
I believe God does not want for us a life of misery but to find fulfillment in our time.
This is what I need, and pray that you too will learn to live in love.
JBR what others have said here I echo. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteOh sweet girl, I am so sad to here that you are so down. :( I believe it is all of the stress with your mum. Even though she has caused you a lot of pain and hurt, she is still your mum and it is hard to watch her grow old.
ReplyDeleteI don't think Christians will ever be truly happy here on earth because this is not our true home. We are aliens and live by a different set of rules then the ones that rule the earth. Even if everything was perfect and smooth in your life you would not be happy here. This is the way it should be for if we become happy and content here on earth we would not crave for heaven and yearn to be there. Then we would chance the loss of our eternal life because we need to keep a living, active relationship with Jesus. We need to know Him and His ways and He tells us to walk in His footsteps and His footsteps are sorrowful yet loving and forgiving. Very hard work for us here!!
You are doing a great job and I am so proud to know you here in cyberspace. I love the way you work through things and are so positive. Hang in there, you will make it.
Praying and praying for you and your mum often,
<><
big tender hug
ReplyDeletefrom me to you
with big hope
that the pain turns to peace
and the loss to loving being alive
and the grief to beauty and joy
sooner rather than later.
It WILL come....the longing of your
heart fleshed out.
It will come and you'll be
grinning and grateful.
Love you,
Jen
JBR, I'm praying for you, that God will show you how to find happiness in the simple things, small moments, free little joys of life. I find it helps me to stop and notice the simple joys of each day, especially when I'm under a lot of stress like you've been. Praying!
ReplyDeleteI know you have gained ground JBR, even though you cannot see it sometimes. All that therapy, prayer and soul searching will pay off.
ReplyDeleteAs for the relationship - of course a dysfunctional relationship will not be good for you or make you happy, but I still think relationships can help us be happy. The fact that you reached out for one was actually positive, IMO, though sadly it did not work out that time. I hope in the future you will find someone special who is right for you. take care
I hear your pain JBR, praying for you right now as I write these words, that God will hold you close and that you will know that you are loved, not only loved, but cherished, by the God who designed you and gave you life. Satan would love to win this battle, but it's not going to happen! God is your heavenly father, you are His, and He is holding you all the way through this.
ReplyDeleteSending you a special hug tonight.
xo
I just found your blog.
ReplyDeleteAs a 47 yr.old who still asks the "biggies" in every area of her life, I am looking forward to reading your blog!
Peace,
Reva
...but worthwhile, don't give up!!!
ReplyDeleteThis past week I was surrounded with so much negativity and complaint that I indeed turn to prayer for soothing. I find meditation music also helps me to refocus.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you realize it and working on it. That's all you can do, work on healing!!
I see everyone do this, so I'll do it to ((((JBR)))))
ReplyDeleteI really do hope your prayers are heard and swiftly answered. It can't rain all the time.
ReplyDeletei pray you strength to carry forward JBR....may you find a rainbow at the next turn
ReplyDeleteI just want you to be happy
ReplyDeleteI'm in search of encouraging uplifting blogs for my well-being. Reading yours and your struggles and your beliefs help me. Will be back. Feel better btw.
ReplyDeletebless. looking forward to your update. how r u now :)? keep on
ReplyDeleteYou are doing the best thing by turning to God's word, I believe
ReplyDelete"Daily I really had to turn to the Lord and to His Word. Sometimes finding myself sobbing uncontrollably."(I haven't gotten to this place..maybe because I've been fighting it. I almost felt like breaking down at work today..just wanting to sob but of course had to suck it up and shove it down those emotions) "In a desperate state. Having to fight and pull myself out of the muck continuously. Fighting the raging negative thoughts of despair, fear, depression and hopelessness."
ReplyDeleteI don't understand what is going on with me these days..but everything that I copied from above is exactly where I find myself...Just finished talking to my son as I was typing this out. I've got a job promotion......I'm don't know what is happening within me. At times I feel like I may need to go on medication, I feel like I'm spiraling out of control not only into depression but insanity. It's difficult to explain...All I know is I needed to come here tonight and just read what you write because I know I find comfort, like acknowledgement to my own emotions that I have been trying to figure out, but can't and when I come here, well I can..((hugs))
JBR seeing how your doing. Remember during this difficult time the God is ever so closer than you think , feel or believe. He loves you. God Bless.
ReplyDeletepopped in to say hi....wishing you an awesome summer with the Son shining in hour heart.
ReplyDeleteJBR...Thinking and praying for you today. I know this ebb and flow of dealing with all you have to deal with is hard. Just know that you aren't alone. Hang in there...hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteMy dear JBR, I have missed you and your insightful posts. I am so sorry to hear that you are in this position of pain, but you and I both know that if you look to God, he can and will be your happiness!
ReplyDeleteI DO Understand sweet friend! In fact I was there just 2 weeks ago on the 4th day of moving and under enormous stress, exhaustion and remorse for my mistake of moving to 'that' place, in the first place. It didn't help that I had a very negative 'relative' around me for 2 days that contributed the most to my dysfunctional childhood... I too broke down and cried for hours. I suppose it was a release that I needed, but it didn't feel like it at the time. I pray that you find true peace and happiness my friend!!! Hang in there and know that your honestly helps so many of us and That is a Purpose. Your life has so much more meaning that you realize. We love and care about you JBR very much!! Take care of You!!
ReplyDeleteHUGS,
Coreen XOXO
JBR I'm really worried about you. Hope you're doing ok? God Bless.
ReplyDeleteJBR,
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this comment will get through - I've been having trouble connecting at the beach. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Hope is everything, my friend. Cling tightly to Jesus who loves you so much during these hard times. It may seem as if the trials are endless but don't let the evil one bring you to despair of ever obtaining the peace and joy that you need. He's a liar. God is truth. May He open the floodgates of his mercy upon you.
"She will conquer." With God at your side you cannot lose, JBR.
Thinking of you JBR. ((((JBR))))
ReplyDeleteJust stopping by to let you know I'm thinking of you...
ReplyDelete