IT IS NOT EASY

It is not easy taking care of an aging parent. Let alone one that just had major surgery. This is the very hard part. One on one.

Those of you who have experienced this know what I am talking about.

Her b/p is up a bit, as well as her heart rate. Having a bit of a headache. I have to constantly remind her that her body is trying to heal and it is expected, after going through a traumatic operation to have the above happen.

Besides staying with my mum most of the time these past few days and checking on her throughout the day and night, making sure she is resting comfortably, massage her back when needed. I also attend to her hygiene needs. Do the shopping and yes even some simple cooking and cleaning. I have been constantly reminded of my past with my mum's controlling methods. "Get this, get that," "do this do that." "Don't do that." "Why are your doing that?"

Only this time, it is hard to "say no" because she does need my help.

Unfortunately my mum was not provided Home Health Care by her doctor after her surgery. It really would not have amounted to much except them changing her dressing and probably washing her up a bit. If she would want a nurse her insurance would not cover it. So she has "Daughter JBR" as her caretaker.

What I am leading up to is that even though I complain, which I am, I have been asking for God's Grace and patience in these days ahead. I so need His strength emotionally and physically during this time. It is difficult.

I feel resentful at times. I feel I am the only one taking the burden of responsibility. But, the guilt I once felt because of my crankiness and short temper is not as strong as before when I get this way. Especially at these trying times being cooped up all day with my mum. It is very trying!! The bickering.

My mum is a very stubborn woman. Regardless of just having major surgery. Still, I am realizing finally I am human. I have limits. And I do not have to take a lot of crap like I used to before in the past with feeling "bad" about myself. Especially feeling guilty because of the way I am feeling. Which is aggravated and on edge. I get this way especially when I am lacking sleep and constantly nagged over and over and over again.

Now even though my brother will be coming next week to take over for a week, he will have it easier with my mum. She would have regained some strength and would not depend on him as much as me.

Wow, I certainly understand the meaning of being "depleted" and "drained." It does take its toll on me. Struggling with so many emotions.

I have my very weak moments, where I just break down and cry. I may appear strong on the outside, but I am really crumbling terribly on the inside. Hopelessness and very fearful.

When my mum is resting/sleeping, that is when I do the same. I am exhausted.

Here I was even thinking about attempting to go into work a few hours at the end of the week. Depending on how my mum is doing. But, I am at a point I do not even have the desire to return to work.

It has been a long uphill battle not only with my mum's health issues, but mine as well.

I may need to just take some time alone at the end of the week and not go to work, and gather myself and regroup.