"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Friday, September 23, 2011


"What Did It Cost Me?"

That is the question that was posed to me in my last t. session.

In t., all along we agreed the divorce of my parents was where I "shut down emotionally." At the age of ten or eleven. Since my journey to freedom some three years ago, come October 8th, I have always stated generally my parents divorce had severely messed me up.

My t. would like me now to list, "what exactly did the divorce and the dysfunction of my parents do to me?"

"What Did It Cost Me?"

Getting now to the crux of the pain. Not just the pat answers anymore of, "I felt bad." "I became sad and unhappy." "I was angry."


"What Did It Cost Me?"

Thursday t. session has really affected me. I left in a daze. Was able to retain what transpired. But, I knew how difficult what was asked of me and what lay ahead would only benefit me in the end if I wanted to have my freedom.

I thought all day about what the divorce did to me. Getting bummed out and angry. But that is probably expected. As I continue to connect emotionally.

I always pray for God's protection ahead before I tackle these memories. My mind is an an open field for the enemy to come in and make matters worse with his stupid input.

So......some of the questions I have been thinking about these past couple of days consisted of:

What did it cost me that my parents fought? What did it cost me that I did not get the attention from my father? What did it cost me that they first separated and my dad moved out? What did it cost me that my mother remarried and I was forced to live with her and a new man that was to be "another father" in my life? What did it cost me not to have my real father around? What did it cost me to lose my childhood friends? What did it cost me to start a new school and be threaten to be beat up my first day because I was new and different? What did all of this cost "little JBR" at the time.

I will share a couple of the answers...

First "What did it cost me when my parents verbally fought in front of me?" "It cost me security." Fear would grip my heart so tightly like a vice when I saw and witnessed their rage. That is why I cringe and cannot watch debates or intense arguing between people. I get so very frightened. I want to hide. It is hard to come by to give my opinion on a matter. As well as hard for me to speak up for myself out of fear of retaliation and rejection.

It also "cost me guilt." Blaming myself for their anger and divorce. And to this day, if I am confronted on something, my mind automatically goes to "I did something wrong. I am guilty." Without even knowing the circumstances.

And by far the next one is the most painful... "What did it cost me when my father did not listen, become impatient or belittle me?" "It cost me my self-worth. Along with shame." That I had no voice. I was a "no-body." Shamed I could not catch on quickly. Resulting in hating myself. Putting myself down and not trying before others would have the opportunity to do so. Or tell me to give up. Always thinking everyone is better than me.

"It also cost me who I am." Since I believed how I was was not to my fathers liking, I would "try" and please him in a way I thought would please him. Only to find out he became even more irritable and annoyed with me. Telling me to stop! As I craved his attention and became a nuisance. That is why people pleasing is such a strong hold for me.

But, the biggest thing that this question cost me was, "It cost me love." I had to really think on this one. Because I do not know what true love is. I saw it as if my dad did not pay attention to me. . . he then did not care. Trying to remember how did my father show physical affection towards me? I may have gotten an occasional hug. But, that is about it. Resulting in how I perceive God as well these days. Hard for me to give and accept love. As I did not get it. Painfully sad to me all the years I have missed out and what was taken from me in opportunities to experience and give love.

There are emotions that are just too difficult to put down on paper because there is no way how to explain them in writing. Those kind of emotions are sooooo deep that the only way to explain them is just plainly to experience them. And if you happen to be there at the time of me going through one of them, you then would understand.

What I shared is only the tip of the iceberg. It took a lot out of me emotionally and physically to write this post. Getting up early to start it as my heart was heavy. Even what I shared I felt was very shallow. Hard to put really deep pain into words. My mind can only handle so much.

But, I am certain, and assured, by going through the pain now is the only way to freedom! Forgiving will be a tough one to conquer. But it is a requirement to pass The Freedom test.

Sure, the opportunities of my past are gone. Yet God can give me new ones.


  1. I think you did a very good job of explaining the unexplainable JBR. I know there is so much more but this helps...I am so sorry that you had to pay such a great cost. I pray always for healing and strength for you.


  3. i def think you did well...i think too that if there are couples contemplating divorce theyreally need to think about these things...

  4. JBR I read your post twice. Going through a divorce can hurt so deeply as a child that, at times, you feel as though you're being stretched further than you've ever been stretched before - mentally, emotionally, and physically from the memories. JBR please keep in mind that you're a survivor. You survived the ordeal, but at the time of your pain and loss, you couldn't imagine feeling better. So you probably shut down. Your words are of encouragement. I hope someone out there reads your post who's experienced what you did as a child and now as an adult. God Bless and thanks for sharing.

  5. Words will not be able to ever express how sorry I am for what happened to you. The sadness of growing up in a divorced world. The sorrow for the multitude of mistakes and harm your parents have caused is tragic. But what I always like to read about you is that at the end you're still hopeful!

  6. Truth first...
    you are secure
    there is no more guilt
    you are worth dying for
    you are a daughter of the KING
    you are loved more than you can ever imagine.

    For the wounds given and received...naming them, looking at them and how they have caused you/us to live "protected" in the present is so necessary for healing. But don't forget what the truth is now!! Learning to live out of the truth of what is is the struggle.

    with you in the struggle...


  7. JBR,
    It cost you a lot, my friend. It was hard to read this heartbreaking post but your courage and insights are amazing to read. God is filling you with so much grace! My heart aches for the child you were but at the same time my heart smiles at the person you are becoming despite the constant adversity in your life. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  8. You are really making steps to your healing. Painful but very meaningful steps. You keep up the good work.

  9. My eyes are wet with tears. All i can say is I;m very sorry this happened to you. You didnt deserve this. You'r were to young to know what to do. You survived and are here to tell your story.

  10. HI JBR - I understand every loss the impact of your childhood experiences cost you, I do. And dare I say you havve paid your dues, and then some. It is time NOW to stop paying the bill for what happened then and reaping the rewards of the life you are able to create now, with love and security and confidence. Your parents cannot hurt you any more or cost you anything, only if YOU let them. I say this with all due respect and love and understanding.

  11. Those are precious costly items. I never looked at things this way. I had a light bulb moment here. I was just realizing what my divorce from my husband cost me. I feel so buried beneath these things that I don't know how to breathe. How do we crawl out from under this? You are on your way to freedom.

  12. Hi JBR,
    It is a tough journey and growing up is hard!

    Praying for you hon,

  13. Thanks so much for sharing JBR, it has opened up a lot of things for me. I know exactly how you feel as I have stated before. I am so sorry that you had to experience this, but I am most proud of you for sharing these feelings and opening yourself up to them. Again thank you for sharing your journey with so many of us, the inadequacy felt as a child can greatly impact one's adult life now and trying to navigate through it and stop it with the people pleasing or fear of rejection is a great accomplishment and one of the ways people end up coping with it.

    I will continue to pray with you as you go through your ourney arriving in a more wonderful place. I do believe your latter shall be greater than the rest/past!

    Kay XOXO

  14. Know that the One who does understand the depth
    of your pain
    and exactly what it cost you
    is determined to restore to you
    every drop you lost
    ....every single bit
    and then some.
    He will not leave you in a desolate place.
    You are blessed....be assured of that.
    May comfort wrap you near as you walk through
    these times into healing and wholeness.

  15. Touching post. I am sorry your father was so uncaring and harsh. It's very good though to go through the emotions. I have similar issues with my father also, although my parents did not divorce. take care

  16. The way you wrote about it could make one understand better what you had gone through, though painful it was. May continued prayers for your healing, comfort and strength alleviate some of the pain. God bless.

  17. JBR, you have grown so strong. the way you guide yourself through this painful hours, days, months has become so healing, healthy. You have become so much more of who you ere supposed to be. Love from my heart to yours.

  18. I love what you said about feelings being so deep that you can't explain them, only experience them.

    That is so profound and I couldn't have said it better myself.

    Be kind to yourself. This work is hard and you are fighting like a champ!

  19. I'm so sorry for the guilt, shame, and insecurity you had to grow up with. They are all so soul-damaging. But God can provide the heart transformation needed to overcome. I'm praying for your heart transformation and praising God for what He's already done in your life.

  20. Hi JBR. Came by to check on you and hope you're doing well. God Bless.

  21. JBR,
    Just stopped by to tell you I am thinking about you. I hope all is well. Sending you a big hug -

    God bless you, my friend. I am praying for you (every day).

  22. Passing by to show some love. Keep you close

  23. Thanks for sharing. I am impressed and in awe.

  24. JBR my sweet friend... what I am hearing is your pain, but what I also hear is a strong woman who is speaking her heart and addressing these emotions head on! I am always amazed at what you ARE doing so well, not at what you DON'T feel. All the strength and freedom you long for is growing and flourishing. God has brought you so far, and He's giving you every grace for the whole journey! I know you already know that, it comes out in your words even when you don't feel it.

    One step at a time... He's got you! :)


  25. God's mercies are new every morning!

  26. Stopping by to give you a hug.

  27. I am praying for a peace that surpasses understanding to envelope your wounded heart and the blood of Jesus to seal up the cracks where it was broken.
    ~ then you can truly forgive~
    (The forgiveness is already there in your heart buried beneath all the rubble and you are working very hard at digging down to find it there)