"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Monday, October 03, 2011


As my pastor says many a time, "We are broken people living in a broken world."

We are people that have many hurts and struggles. Our emotions are damaged. Left not cared for, usually results in living a life of covering up and building up walls of protection and wearing masks.

Some of my damaged emotions resulted from feeling rejected. Resulting in feeling unworthy and shameful. Especially by my father. Who would have been 98 today. He was already in his late 40's when I arrived on the scene.

Growing up in a family of alcoholic parents had its drawbacks. My dad especially would drink daily. Weekends they would either host parties at our house or go to a nearby neighbor. I vaguely remember some of the parties as a toddler. They would wake me up, to pass me around and show me off. That was the norm back in the early 60's. I remember my mother saying to me once when I was older, that my father was a good entertainer and bartender when he was "feeling no pain". People liked him.

My mother was the breadwinner in the family. Which eventually led to their divorce. She could not put up with my father's laziness. Whether that is the whole story that would cause a marriage to fail, I do not know. Whatever the cause, I do remember mostly my dad reading a lot of paperback mystery books and porn. Always with a drink nearby. Then falling asleep hours on end on the couch. My mum coming home from work seeing him day after day like this. There was not much interaction between he and I.

Tired of feeling shame, guilt, and condemnation, I finally decided a few years ago to seek help and face my issues. My life was so miserable. Depression, sadness and unhappiness ruled me. Making me make some costly wrong choices. Acting out of my emotional pain.

Discovering now since in t. and slowly believing the trauma I went through as a child, "was not my fault." Even though I was also sexually abused at a young age numerous times by my older brother, that was not the turning point that shut me down emotionally. It did not help any. But that was not the turning point.

The turning point began around the same time my brother was abusing me. But the deterioration of my family unit was the focal point now. This probably over road the sexual abuse trauma. Hearing almost daily with my little ears and seeing the anger on their faces, the constant fighting, bickering and hurtful exchange of words from my parents to one another took presidence. As the pain now involved mummie and daddy. Which led up to my father having to move out of our house. A year later my mum divorcing him after 18 years of marriage. And within a couple of months, my mum remarried and ***poof*** my life drastically changed forever. I was whisked off by her without any say-so to another life full of new pain. This time worse than before.

I was a "innocent bystander." Who took on all the damaging emotions. Something that should of never been mine to take on in the first place. But, as I have learned in t., a child at such a tender age of 7 or 8 witnessing mummie and daddy fighting, not being able to fully comprehend the intensity of their arguments, will more than likely always place blame on themselves. I cringe just remembering what I felt.

Satan loves to mess with our minds. He uses psychological warfare against us. Fear is his biggest tool. Fear causes us to doubt and worry.

Even though I am still in the process of becoming more "real," and who the real JBR will be, my pseudo side still is evident when it comes to uncertainty. But when I am in the Spirit, I am known to be "the most real." My walls are pretty much down. Freer than any other time. The pseudo side of me does not have to pretend in order to be loved and accepted when I am connected to the Spirit. When I am in the presence of God, in prayer or worship, I present myself I believe as the "real me." Or very close to it.

What was brought on by my parents, my brother and others, I have no excuse now to let it take over and control me. Sure, I still need to continue to work on painful areas that have yet to be healed. And however long it takes (yes I did say that), knowing God is in my healing all the way, and having the support of trusted others, I will finish my race. But, in the right time.


  1. There is already so much more health
    and wholeness
    flowing through you
    that wasn't there this time
    last year, dear one.
    Your heart is in a healthier place.
    I bet it doesn't feel that way,
    but I sense His fingerprints all over this
    (and you)
    in a new way.
    All of heaven is cheering you on, JBR.
    Joining in with wild bright hope
    for the plans and future He has prepared for you.
    Love, love, love,

  2. Wow that was deep. I'm literally speechless. I do pray and hope that you find your healing. We all need healing from our emotional pain.

  3. Oh hon,
    Growing up is tough especially when the family dynamics are destructive. It is just not easy. I am so thankful that you are seeing this and growing from this. You are such a beautiful person and I am glad to have met you.

    Continuing to pray for you sister,

  4. Amazing post, JBR. My background is quite similar to yours (working mother, alcoholic/bipolar father) so posts like these are always helpful to me too. They are very insightful and I can very often relate. Many, many, blessings to you, my friend :)

    I thought your phrase about my puppy was hilarious! You've got him pegged :)

  5. You will finish your race and you're right to take your time. The things worth doing in life are normally the hardest and most time-consuming. Be kind to yourself. Try and show yourself the affection that you lost as a child, because you are worth it. You're doing really well, don't forget that. God bless you.

  6. Sweetie, I do hear much growth in your post. It's just too bad that we can't wash those voices in our head out as easy as we can wash our body.

    I believe that Jesus is healin' your heart right now. Hang in there Hon.

    God bless and have a marvelous day!!!


  8. Our pasts create nightmare that only God can fix. Hang in there girl.

  9. Ha, that is JBR. reading this today takes me back to a post long ago where you were so afraid of getting your own bankcard. Look where you are now. Please be proud of yourself, I am!

  10. How true...we are all in need of healing in different areas, different stages. But what's amazing, He surely doesn't disappoint...May His strength always be yours JBR! God bless.

  11. difficult words i'm reading. My heart brakes for you. You've lived a life that I can so idnetfy. Recovery is never fun. bringing up pain to be healed is never fun. Jbr your doing a great job. You've alsyw have my support.

  12. and i believe you will...we are all broken in some way...i went through my own reject at 16 that led tosome very tough years where is was a very different person just trying to survive very unsuccessfully...def not try to compare and cant even say mine is on a level anywhere near but in our relating we do find healing as well...

  13. I'm so sorry you suffered so much pain growing up but I praise God that He is healing your brokenness. Your are becoming real and that's a wonderful thing.

  14. JBR I'm sorry for what you went through. Often unavoidable changes that accompany divorce can undermine a child’s sense of security and make them fearful of the future – about “what’s next?”

    I bet from your perspective as a child, you sensed the unimaginable has happened – a parent is no longer at home.

    Feeling rejected and unloved possibly. This makes little sense to us then. But as you said as children we perceive ourselves as the center of the universe. Therefore, everything that happens must have something to do with us.

    For the same reason, you thought the divorce is your fault, caused by something you said or did, or just the way you are, and feel a deep sense of guilt and shame. It wasn't your faul JBR. Not at all. Not ever. Praying for you. God Bless.

  15. I especially relate to the idea of having to pretend all the time - putting up a false front to mask the pain we're really feeling. Good for you for 'becoming real'. hugs

  16. This is such a powerful post JBR, I really felt moved by it and related to a lot of what you've written here. I'm so happy that you are on a healing journey and that I can share that journey in a small way. Blessings xx

  17. oh my goodness JBR... if you could hear the growth in yourself from when I first logged on to your pages.

    And it is so true what you just said... so much of what we are held up by is fear related. I used to think one of satan's tools that he uses the most often is discouragement. I now am pretty sure the biggest is fear. I hear it every place I go. And so many negative emotions are fear based.

    You are identifying, and seeing things more clearly than ever. Keep moving forward, you are on God's journey for JBR! :)


  18. I like the line of "we are broken people". I agree the best of you is being real with God....

  19. I am in awe of your determination and strength. Glad you are seeking the Lord and His presence for within it is fullness of joy and the 'real-ness' God wants us all to come to Him with. I too grew up in an unhealthy and abusive home, but have found my wholeness in Jesus! The cracks are still there as a reminder, but the spaces between are coming together more and more ~it takes time.
    ~Love & Peace In Jesus~

  20. Good morning, Precious One~

    I am sorry that you have suffered so much pain in your life. But reading this post....it is amazing how much you have grown since I started visiting your blog. God is truly amazing and doing such an awesome work in your life!