Early on in my recovery my emotions were so raw so very intense and would last for days even weeks. God received the bulk of my ranting and raving. I am so thankful that He never grows tired of us.
Besides sharing weekly with my t., God heard a lot from me. A lot of anger. Stemming from a lot of pain. I was not holding back. Going ballistic. Throwing things. Expletives. I am brutal when it comes to blaming and shaming myself. I even frighten myself how angry I would become. Such intensity.
God got an earful when I would even spew my anger towards Him. He saw, but certainly was not surprised by, a lot of pain and realness coming from deep within me. Something I was not allowed to express growing up. So, holding back all this pain for all those years, I just exploded time after time after time. I believe that is what God appreciates in us. The transparency. He can work with people who are transparent before Him.
Today, I really do not rant and rave like a crazy woman anymore. When I do, I think whacked-out hormones would be to blame now.
I still have issues of pain and heartache from my past to deal with. But, now, I try and bring my personal hurts of emotional and physical pain and lift them up unto the Lord. For healing. Sure, I may still question and get ticked off now and then to some degree. But fury is not the driving force behind it anymore.
"The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom." Isaiah 40:28
Always appreciate your transparency...it is refreshing. We are all works in progress. Praise God that He doesn't give up on us when we don't look or act so pretty!
ReplyDeleteIsn't it good that He accepts us for where we are?
ReplyDeleteTHIS IS WONDERFUL JBR! PROUD OF YOU! THANKS FOR CONTINUALLY SHARING YOUR JOURNEY WITH US.
ReplyDeleteExcellent you were able to express all that anger and pain to an understanding God JBR.
ReplyDeleteWhy are you so hard on yourself?
ReplyDeleteOf course, I know the answer to that... when I was going through counseling after the death of my Dad and my divorce, which ensued just a few months later, the counselor would ask the same of me... why am I so willing to forgive others so easily when I am so hard on myself...
I guess that is in our internal wiring... no?
~shoes~
I loved all your posts. You have always kept it real, not just posted fake facades. God has a special place for you in His heart!
ReplyDeleteI also think we need to be real with God and tell him all that we think and feel. He can take it and then heal it. I was very angry with God for 5 years and I'm so grateful for his patience.
ReplyDeleteTransparency, you nailed it hon.
ReplyDeletePraying for you often,
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You have such a great outlook. I am so glad that you are no longer holding in that pain. I can relate to fury outbursts from not being allowed to release emotions, and it is no fun. Also, the rawness of emotion in the beginning of healing - ugh - but it will be so worth it in the end! Thinking of you, JBR!
ReplyDeleteSometimes, we bury our deepest wounds and shove them under the layers in our hearts to hide them and make us forget. Like a scab (I know I had said it before) that covers a deep wound, there is no healing underneath. The process of removing those scabs is truly painful but when exposed to Air and Light, healing may be slow but surely it does come. Praying for your continued shedding of those layers to expose the deepest wounds under His Air and Light so that healing comes (it will) in His perfect time. I often remind myself, "Be slow to anger" because that's not like Him...That helps me stay calm even when facing situations that otherwise will make me boil or blow up!!! Blessings JBR.
ReplyDeleteJBR I'm really proud of you. Having anger as your driving for to solving problems is never good. God bless.
ReplyDeleteI am so delighted that I have been connected to you again. You still encourage with 'being real'. We need more of it in the Christian Blogging world.
ReplyDeleteBless you my sister.
I used to know that fury, too.
ReplyDeleteIt was a pain that I don't have words for....
it's so beautiful
and comforting
when it begins to soften
and leave,
isn't it.
You are becoming
every day
more and more
beautiful:)
-Jennifer
I know that feeling of anger and frustration. I think mine came from not talking about my abuse with anyone for so many years. When God finally gave me the courage to speak to my loved ones and friends I didn't know how to express my emotions. I would either cry or be angry. We all have our journeys and God is so great how he lifts us up and walks with us on our healing journey! I love your rawness and transparency!
ReplyDeleteLisa