We all have an inner child. I was not aware of that until I went through counseling. I just thought the way I behaved was because I was very immature and scared. Not realizing I was deeply hurt, frightened, angry, shameful... just to name a few.
As I began working on my issues and seeing how I react and think it made sense that another part of me (although one in all) was influencing me. A five year old inside me dictating my decisions most my life. Can you imagine? I can now.
I believe I had two major trauma's in my life as a child. Sexually abused and the divorce of my parents. Basically both going on at the same time. Being sexually abused as a child (9 years old), I believe began a little before I even noticed that my parents were having difficulty in their marriage. Not understanding at all what both brought to me.
When I was sexually abused, I did not tell anyone out of fear and confusion. Many of us grew up in dysfunctional homes with dysfunctional parents. Being a victim of incest, I was even more afraid of telling a parent out of fear that they might blame me. I really do not know if I could even of expressed myself. I do not even know if I thought what my brother was doing and having me do to him was even wrong. I just know I did not like what was happening and was petrified.
At the same time, I was not receiving the attention and nurturing properly from my parents. My father not offering and my mum smothering. Which brought on feelings of unworthiness as well.
Even so, I was able to adapt and survive. And the older I became, the clever I was in surviving. Mainly stuffing my pain, wearing different masks and zoning out into la-la-land. My heart was cut off.
Trust went out the window when it came to relationships. Whether intimate or platonic. I could not function in either. Fear would take over and panic would set in. I did not know how to express something I never had! I was a mess.
When my parents were having difficulty with their marriage and the constant fighting in front of us children, that just added more pain and guilt. I questioned, "Was it my fault that my parents could not get along?" Then having my father move out of our house. Then having my mum announce a few months later that she remarried and "I" was to move with her 'as soon as possible' to another state and live with a man that I had never met and was supposed to love. Love? What is that?
Forgiveness plays an intricate part to the healing of my little girl. Many years I blamed myself for the way I behaved, responded and acted out. Only to find out that I did all this only to survive.
When my parents divorced and I was forced to move away from my hometown, friends, school, family I found myself in a strange environment. That was the pivotal point where I emotionally shut down at eleven. Spending literally years isolated in my bedroom. Only to emerge to eat, go to the bathroom, go to school, forced to go shopping with my mum, and eventually work.
I had no friends. I did not know how to! Television and music were my friends. In school I was a poor student. Made fun of. Picked on. Laughed at. So when I lived isolated in my bedroom and came out, I would take out my anger by not talking and being disrespectful to my step-father. Who was a nice man. But, I was using him to get at my mum for divorcing my father. My mum would slap my face when I talked back to her. She was not happy in this new marriage as she took more to drinking daily. Making me even angrier when I would come home from school to find her in a stupor. Later admitting to me that she felt guilty divorcing my dad and splitting up the family.
Proper nurturing was lacking for me while growing up. I did not receive that from my parents. Got too many crossed wires to what love was and was not. What was safe and what was not. Disappointing and critical looks.
My little girl is just now beginning to heal. Knowing that there is a grander offer with no strings attached kind of love that never fails and that lasts forever!
I have come a long way. I did not get here over night. Took a few years and still I have a ways to go. But, I am here! Further than I was last year. And the year before that. The weight of guilt and shame are slowly coming off my heart. Being replaced little by little with my Heavenly Daddy's love.
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23
My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.
Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.
Daddy let me be secure in You only!